Why is MIL so fixated on doing things the 'right' and proper way?

[thesparrowflieshigh]

For example, I opened the dishwasher while it was running to put a spoon in - she went mad. I had a bunch of flowers and she was putting them in a vase. She removed 5 leaves max then made a huge fuss about putting them in the compost bin,. It was raining heavily and that bin is quite a way from the house so I told her to chuck it in the rubbish bin. She absolutely refused and left these few leaves by the door. We told her to arrive at our house at 1pm. I saw her pull up outside at 12.50pm and sit in her car until 1pm when she came and knocked on the door. She is very uptight and unable to relax and enjoy the moment. If we have made plans to do something then suggest doing something else this throws her terribly. For example, we had arranged to go to the zoo on Saturday but it was raining heavily so we suggested we went there on Sunday as weather was better, and did the indoor activity originally planned for Sunday on Saturday instead. Well you've never seen anything like it - completely unable to cope with this threw her into a frenzy about what we'd eat, and other such what ifs and non events. These are just a few examples of what she is like. She goes to church every Sunday but is extremely intolerant of other people who do things wrong in her eyes. She exhausts me. Makes me on edge and I don't enjoy her company at all. What makes her like this?

My MIL is similar - inflexible and immensely fussy over tiny details.

I’m fairly confident she’s not autistic. My theory is that because she’s never worked and has always been financially dependent on my FIL, intense fussiness is her way of making herself feel useful and giving herself a purpose.

There have been cross posts while I was posting. BiL isn't like that over napkin rings, but is very pedantic over the DIY and all the components involved. DH is a geek, but this is another level...

There are people who find comfort and stability in a predictable rigid world of correctness and detail. (My idea of hell but it's not personal, it's not personal...)

@thesparrowflieshigh If only they could meet up and we could be flies on the wall. The competition and bragging would be phenomenal.
It seems to be making you unhappy, and I was unhappy with it too until I learned to laugh at it all. Everyone can see through the folks I know and they are too busy bigging themselves up that they don't see that people are laughing at them.

I’m presuming she’s in her 60/70s went to boarding school? Depending on the boarding school she was at, If the family had money, maybe she was treated as getting ready to become somebody’s wife instead of someone with brains who could be anything she wanted

Or maybe she thinks you’re sneering at her and it makes her worse

My MIL is a bit like this. You must eat with napkins which MUST go on your lap before you start. Knife and fork MUST be placed at 6 o'clock on your plate when you've finished. When tidying the table food must NEVER be scraped onto one plate, only into the bin etc. You have to massively overcater or else it's RUDE. She thinks anyone who has a less posh accent than the queen sounds massively common (that's me - which is funny as most people think I 'talk posh')

DH thinks it's in part because she is a 2nd generation immigrant - her parents emigrated to where she was born, she emigrated here, so she feels she has to get everything right. She likes a bit of gossip about people in her local community like whose daughter seems to have been engaged for years but her fiance doesn't seem to want to marry her, or whose son can't hold down a job etc etc, and I guess she doesn't want to be the person who is being gossiped about.

@Monkeynuts18 MIL hasn't worked since she got married when she was 22 yet still tries to make out she has a sore neck because of her job (she's 74 now)?!? Agree that her fussiness and general making life hard makes her feel important - she is doing things the proper way, not like me!

@Evilspiritgin yes boarding school and from a wealthy family. She definitely doesn't think we're sneering at her. Even though she is incredibly hard work I go out of my way to try to be nice and get on with her.

In my experience in older women it tends to be class related. It is ultimately a fear of looking poor or uneducated, party driven by a fear of being out of their comfort zone. So opening the dishwasher when it's on might imply a lack of knowledge of 'posh' gadgets. Arriving early might imply anxiety at being out of the home, but not quite knowing the correct etiquette to follow on arriving early. Changing plans due to the rain probably meant taking her out of her comfort zone for the alternative activity, which she hadn't mentally geared up for.

At least it doesn't sound like she's overstepping boundaries etc.

God forbid that a MIL should overstep the DIL-imposed 'boundaries' !

I've had experience of diagnosed anxiety and would have done all the things in your OP

Like @LizzieSiddal I've had treatment and have come through the other side now

Maybe just try your best to be tolerant as she may find your ways just as frustrating ;)

You’re obviously annoyed by her but try to think of it all from her point of view.

She was sent off to boarding school (god knows what happened to her there)
She hasn’t worked for decades.
She doesn’t appear to have a good relationship with her son. (Hiding in her room if she has to be in a room with him alone).

Looking from the outside I’d feel very sorry for her. Yes her behaviour sounds ofd, but she’s not behaving like this to annoy you, it’s coming from her own experiences, probably as a child.

If you try to be bright and breezy about these incidents, they won’t annoy you.

I usually try to ignore this type of behaviour - but theres no real excuse for it, childhood issues or not, people should try and control their behaviour if it negatively affects others

The leaf thing sounds like me! But apart from that she sounds very anxious. My mother is a real catastrophiser and it left me with terrible anxiety. I'm better now but still struggle to deal with the drama. The latest is many messages every day fretting over Christmas.
You won't be able to change her so I'd set about minimising the impact on you and your family's lives.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to do things as you see fit in your own home, and I think it's very reasonable to tell her that as each incident arises. I'd tell her once for each thing and then refuse to discuss it further.
If she keeps haranguing you, I'd reduce the number of visits.
If she can't be flexible about plans and it turns into a huge drama for you, and she still goes on and on even if she's not really getting engagement from you, reduce the number of joint plans.
Ditto with visits to her house.

Its sound like my mum. She has anxiety. No words of wisdom as its exhausting to be around but maybe she if she will open up about it?

My mum is similar, and was recently diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder which she’s probably had for most of her adult life. I’ve found that she’s happiest when she has almost an agenda for a visit, and I get her to help out as much as possible - prepare veg, etc. as it keeps her mind busy.

It also helps to do things that are as close as possible to her (quite rigid) routine at home rather than trying to think up exciting days out. She’s much more relaxed when we go out for coffee at 10am, have lunch at noon, and dinner at 5pm. She likes to read or have a nap in the afternoon. And that’s all we do while she’s here. If she’s negative I ask her how it could be improved. Not very interesting, but it makes the visit a bit easier.

She reminds a bit of my DSM who was a lovely lady but inclined to panic at changes etc. She was not as bad as your MIL but I was definitely anxiety in her case. She has a very good GP who persuaded her to try a low dose AD and it really helped.

I think strict adherence to rules can be a way of creating an artificial structure in a world that feels random and confusing.

The simplest answer is probably the right one. She suffers from anxiety, badly. It sounds tedious and frustrating and it’s always extra draining when the person who suffers from it doesn’t understand that that’s the root of the problem. It would take a very gentle and kind conversation with her to even try and start her talking about it, but honestly I find someone that age is rarely interested in self improvement. Looking in the mirror is hard for anyone. My mother is a classic for this. My approach is to stay calm and be the voice of reason. For example the change of plans with the zoo visit, what will we eat? Offer a couple of simple solutions. Leaves in the bin? What’s the worst that can happen if a few leaves don’t make it in the compost? Unfortunately she’s kind of living in a very stressful world of her own making. If you see it from that perspective maybe it will help. It effects other people though so it’s fair for you to be frustrated.

She sounds a lot like my late MIL, except she was also obsessed with "resting"', we were far too busy (normal jobs and teenage kids), and we should 'rest' more.

She passed away from Alzheimers and many people have said to me that this behaviour could have been the beginnings of it.
That said, DH is autistic and I can see her in him as well (can't deal with over-complex arrangements - eg DD1 needs to be dropped off at X, then need to go and pick up DD2 at Y)

It could be anxiety / OCD related... or she could be a little autistic, just undiagnosed.

Try not to let it get to you - it's just who she is.

My mum is very particular about certain things, I.e she won't let anyone else do any jobs in her house because she has her own "way" .... but she's my mum and I've never known her any different so I honestly don't even bat an eye to it anymore, but I know my OH struggles with her ways.

X

Sounds like my late mum (no autism, but a control freak).

She'd sit, fully dressed with her handbag on her knee, from about six in the morning, while I and the kids blundered about in our dressing gowns, trying to eat breakfast, telling me that I wasn't 'organised' enough and how were we ever going to get out of the house?

We had to be out at nine. Even with five kids it didn't take me three hours to get everyone ready and out by nine. She was also obsessed with 'where's your bag? Where are your keys? What are we going to have for dinner tonight?' because she couldn't cope with the apparent chaos I lived in.

I just smiled, nodded and did my own thing. She never twigged that I left home as soon as I possibly could because her 'ways' drove me up the wall.

I LOVE things done right. It gives me great calm. I’m not so rigid but if I had the time to do things properly I could see myself getting a bit more married to it to be honest.

Be kind to her. Everyone has their quirks. If it’s causing her problems then I would prefer to see her getting help with that but it sounds like she wouldn’t be open to that and wouldn’t appreciate you suggesting that. For anything that doesn’t impact you, let it go. You might find her predictability and carefulness helpful at times too so it’s not all bad.

My dad is like this. And I lived in Japan a long time too, so I love things being done with care and the right way☺️

My late XMiL was like this. Very very "proper", wealthy background, lived in another country as a child and teenager. Basically her whole life was modelled on the Queen, or at least how she imagined the Queen would behave and the people around her would behave. Rigid formality, rules for everything, a lot of doing things you don't want to do because "duty" and "appearances".

Very very class conscious. She hated me from the off because "we don't know her people. Who are her people?" (I was from another part of the country). It made her extremely uncomfortable that she didn't know anything about me other than what I chose to tell her. My parents were middle class professionals which she found challenging because her background and that of everyone in her social milieu was self made, successful business.

I agree with others, it's probably anxiety and you won't change her. It's so tiresome, especially as it's unlikely she recognises it and wouldn't be open to getting help.

Anxiety. My mum can be like this, and her mother was too. Keeping things rigid is a coping strategy and when you do it for years it becomes habitual
My mum had a meltdown recently because a road she uses is closed for ages and she has to drive a different way. The thought of driving a different route was overwhelming, she drives the same way, same day, same time and her life is highly structured. Deviation is really triggering. It’s infuriating for others but it actually makes me sad for her.

My MIL can be like this too. Similar age group, possible ASD, keen to show off her 'considerably more middle class than you' background to FIL. Huge dramas around the correct condiments, cheese knife, getting the Denby out etc etc