AIBU EWO rang ex asking why I hadn't answered phone?

[SpinneyHill]

2 DC both been off with a flu bug, DC2 was hospitalised with it for 36 hours and I was advised to wait for fever to go AND then wait a day or 2 to ensure they are well enough (lethargy and painful coughing were the concerns GP raised).

I've contacted the school every day they've been off, today I get an angry msg from the ex as the school welfare office rang him (15min of being lectured he says and I believe him) demanding to know 1)where the kids were and 2) why I hadn't answered my phone or rung them back in the last 40mins(!?). He explained that he had no idea, was at work, knew we had all been ill with Flu and this had included a stay in hospital. He suggested I hadn't heard the phone and then snapped 'i don't know maybe she went to the shop?' when he was questioned again.
This led to "well if the boys are well enough to go to the shop we shall expect them tomorrow"

We are all suffering with it and I'd left mobile in my coat, nothing sinister or untoward about why I hadn't answered. When I rang her she demanded to know where the DC were, claiming the office did not know (this was a lie) and that she's not sure the head will 'accept' the absence. She then interrogated me about shopping if the boys were so ill, I had no idea what she was talking about. She then told me she had questioned my controlling abusive ex about why I hadn't answered my phone as if this was normal.

As it stands he's not going to use this as a lecture stick to use against but it's better luck then judgement that he's not done so.

AIBU to be fucking furious about this? I'm an adult I don't expect my ex to be contacted because I don't answer the phone less than 2 hours after speaking to the damn school office. He has nothing to do with school and his number is as an emergency contact

I'd speak to the HT or put it in writing. Sounds like this attendance officer is totally overstepping.

she said attendance is close to 96% for youngest...who is 4 and missed lots following tendon transfer surgery.

That's ridiculous in itself, given that a 4 year old doesn't have to be in school at all.

Don't phone to complain as people suggest, put it in writing. Get a copy of the school's complaints policy and ensure that it is dealt with on an official basis.

Will definitely be asking that he is only contacted in emergencies, he wouldn't know if I'd collapsed anyway.

Does he have parental rights? I’m not sure this will be possible if he does.

Sorry, Parental responsibility rather than rights.

Write and complain. Mention how poor their internal communication policy is as it appears the Welfare Officer was unaware of your call. Also mention they might want to update their safeguarding policy as ringing your abusive ex had put you in a vulnerable position.

I don't see what the issue is. They rang you and you were not available so they rang the father

Lots of issues Firstly, the school had the paperwork and she hadn't bothered to check with the office next door.

Secondly she said "if they've gone to the shops they're well enough to come to school". Not in her remit or skill set.

Thirdly she was rude and aggressive.

Fourthly - well shall I continue?

I could see how they might argue that they thought it was an emergency if they knew the entire family was ill, one had been in hospital and no-one was answering the phone actually I would have thought that was the answer right there. Also shows exactly why I don't like mobile phones - the "requirement" to answer them. Bog off, I'll answer the phone when I want to, not when you decide it's time to speak to me.

" She is not remotely interested in the dynamics of the parents and the various issues surrounding who they should and should not contact."

But isn't the issue that she didn't need to contact anyone as Op had already phoned the school to say that her children wouldn't be in?

Don't phone to complain as people suggest, put it in writing. Get a copy of the school's complaints policy and ensure that it is dealt with on an official basis

Yes a clear, objective and non-emotive timeline of events and phrases used and refer to any instructions you might have previously given regarding your ex.

Point out also that by sharing information about you with your abusive ex they are potentially putting you at risk.

Send it direct to the Head

It was probably just a case of miscommunication, There was seemingly 70 kids off at our local primary the other day, they are probably up to their necks in absences , if first on the list doesn’t answer of course they would carry on down the list, the trouble is loads of people lie about why there kids are off that’s why I think they don’t believe people right away anymore

appalling behaviour on behalf of EWO unless there is a previous history that might make them consider the worst. But if not then a formal complaint should go in, it could have put you three at considerable risk. EWO's should check family circumstances before getting hold of exes etc

Unfortunately 96% attendance is a metric schools are judged on.

That's probably what sparked their intervention.

My son had four days off with a sinus infection first half of this term, that brought him below 96% and I got a warning letter......

I went back and pointed out the absurdity of how they had calculated a percentage.

The EWO was definitely out of order here, on several counts. If you feel strongly enough you could raise a formal complaint about her/his actions to their superiors in the local authority, making the point that it is a breach of confidentiality and totally inappropriate to be asking exH about you and the children since you do not live together and the children live with you.

I would ring the Head and complain. Tell her you were on the toilet/ busy with sick children.

We haven't had EWO's in this county for 12 years. I had one insist I came to school to speak to her about DD absence over a headache. Attendance was 87%.I had to leave work and a meeting I was supposed to attend to find a panel of staff including her.
She went on to lecture me on the "VALUE of Education" and told me to give DD a paracetamol and send her to school. She also accused DD of skivving on the way to school to which I told her it would difficult as we lived 9 miles from the school and there were no buses so I drove her, which she would have known if she had checked her file. I also informed her that her headaches lasted for days and paracetamol was useless. She scoffed at a headache lasting this long until my trump card was to ask her if she had asked DD about it or checked her records. She didn't want to admit it but I knew she hadn't because it was on record before DD went to the school that she would be having absences from school for extremely bad headaches as she had been left with these after having Meningitis as a young child. I told her to ring the Meningitis Trust and my GP. I told her this and then announced I would have to leave to get back to work as I was needed for a SEN meeting in the afternoon to give a report as I work in EDUCATION!
She was the rudest, jobs worth EWO I had ever met. The school SENCO came out afterwards to see if i was alright ( she couldn't really apologise but I think she wanted to).

I feel your annoyance because if you sent them to school they would send them home again. The fact that you rang each day as well. We usually accept that if a child has been in hospital they will be off for a while. We usually ask if you could ring the day before a child comes back to make arrangements if they need to stay in for a couple of days.
I can only think that it hasn't been passed on but in ours the secretary was also in charge of attendance.

I hope you all get better soon at least you can cosy up and watch some Christmas films when they feel well enough.

I had dds attendance brought up at parents evening once. Dd got chicken pox 6 weeks after the autumn term started. They knew this already. I could guarentee theyd be the first to complain if had sent her back too soon.

That sounds like a serious breakdown in communication at the school if you had spoken to the office on each day of absence.

There is good reason for calls to be made to additional people IF no reason for absence has been received though.

Just one example...

www.standard.co.uk/news/education/new-rules-for-schools-after-absent-boy-starved-to-death-with-mother-s-body-a3846306.html

It’s to prevent the “single parent collapsing at home alone with children and nobody knowing about it for days” type scenario

I'm not single but Dh works a lot and I often don't hear from him whilst he's working, it's just me and ds (6) most of the time and he has complex special needs so this idea is brilliant as he wouldn't know what to do in an emergency he wouldn't even know how to alert anybody and it's something I often worry about.

I'm sorry OP. There seems to be something about Attendance Officers where the title goes to their head.

When my younger DD was in year 12, she was on work experience. The deal was that she had to hand in her documents by a certain date or she would not get exam study leave. The day before said date, her WE person had not confirmed. In a panic, she texted her dance teacher, explained the situation and asked if she could go there instead. Her teacher replied immediately yes, so DD wrote this down & handed the forms in. The owner of the dance school is a former pro dancer, but she is in her mid-80s. She is a wonderful teacher and lady, but technology has passed her by. She answers her brick phone, but has to get her pupils to open texts for her. She doesn't have an email address. Therefore DD didn't include an email address on her forms.

All hell broke loose. On day 2 of study leave, DH texted me in a fury to ask WTF was going on as he had received a text from school asking where DD was. Had the jobsworth attendance officer got off her lardy arse and walked 20 metres along a corridor, she could have asked me, but no, she texted DH who was skiing in Austria. I then received a text asking where DD was, to which I gave the standard sarky response "on study leave" and was then given an almighty bollocking by the head admin person for daring to be rude to the precious attendance officer. All because a dance teacher didn't have an email address. DD's attendance for that entire fortnight was "unauthorised". Every time someone mentioned it, I referred back to the letter which I had received as a parent saying that forms had to be completed by said date which they were. Nothing about email addresses. In the end they gave up.

Stick to your guns. If your child has been hospitalised, stand firm. Ask to see evidence of their medical training to be able to override the advice of the clinicians (there won't be any). Be that parent.

@mountainwoman1 schools should know the dynamics of family relationships. It can affect so many different things.

I'd be livid! What a bitch! You called to explain their absence. You have to wait 48 hours after the symptoms stop before sending them back to school. Has she not read the policy?! Both my kids were off school for 4 days a few backs because of the 48 hours policy. Most kids are off for at least 3-4 days when correctly following the policy. Phone the school tomorrow morning, tell them what happened today and also point out you have call logs to prove you've contacted the school regarding the childrens absences. And also demand an apology!

@havingtochangeusernameagain no you don't need to give a fourth. I read the original post. She called you. You didn't answer so she called your exDH. You felt she should have contacted another section of the school first and that she shouldn't have paid any attention to what your ex DH said. I agreed she shouldn't have been rude. A lot of posters agree with you and think you should complain. By all means go ahead but I can't see her facing reprecussions because she telephoned the contact numbers on file and didn't contact another section of the school first.

If the youngest is 4 then they don’t legally have to be in school until 5 so next time they ring remind them of that

@MissEliza I agree but OP has the father listed as a contact so they were not to know he should not be contacted.

Two kids from the same family off simultaneously for a few days. There's been a call every day, but perhaps that's been a message on an absence line, or taken by someone who doesn't know the caller to recognise the voice.
It's not unreasonable for them to follow up with a call home, just in case something terrible has happened, and someone else has been calling in the absence to stave off discovery. Nobody wants to be the school who have to admit they've not checked out the absence. I guess they got worried at the lack of response when they called because some people can't understand anyone being more than 2 inches from their phone at all times. Contacting the emergency contact might not be so stupid - if it were to turn out you'd had to go back to the hospital they might have known that.

However, once having got hold of you to talk, there shouldn't have been any need for aggression.