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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you ever ghosted a friend?

34 replies

HalyardHitch · 26/11/2019 20:27

Wibu to ghost my friend? It's not really the kind of person I am and doesn't sit right but I'm also not strong enough to confront.

Ds1 goes to a cute little Montessori preschool in the country side and goes up to the age of 7. It's not particularly different in price to her childs nursery fees. They have a mud kitchen, are out daily in wellies and waterproofs, go for woodland walks. In my view it's an incredible place.

Her (unprompted) comment was that private school prepares no child for the real world and he'll come out being unable to mix with people. She stated that it was "very middle class...let's put our hunters on darling and go and see the chickens". Ds1 also, we believe, has some mild aspergers. Preschool have raised concerns about a few things. At the same time as insulting his school she also said "and then if he gets a statement no school will want him because it will adversely impact their ofsted if they cant control him." She left soon after this.

All of this said within the space of about three minutes. I'm hurt and devastated that a friend would say all this to me so directly and harshly.

I also believe her to be wrong. Do I ghost? She's at a party I'm due to go to on friday - only maybe 6 women getting together for drinks at someone's house. I just dont know how to respond or react.

She's also told me previously that ds1 is the way he is because we give him too much attention for poor behaviour (he was playing up on a playdate).

OP posts:
PapayaCoconut · 26/11/2019 20:30

She's not really your friend so there's no need to do anything much. Just be boringly neutral to her when you see her and give short answers to anything she asks you.

Spied · 26/11/2019 20:36

Are you in contact daily?
I think I'd do as pp says and just be neutal.
Don't discuss things that are important to you in-depth with her anymore.
I'd be bright and breezy. Superficial.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 26/11/2019 20:42

Maybe a couple of times a week. We don't see each other that often as she thinks my boy is a bit of a shit. He's actually bloody lovely but has a few additional needs

OP posts:
RumbleMum · 26/11/2019 20:45

As a PP said, she's not your friend. Friends don't say stuff like that and I'm sure your life will be better without her opinions in it.

I agree with being neutral and distantly pleasant if you see her in company, but avoid meeting up alone. If she asks you, just be very busy.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 26/11/2019 20:46

So I'm definitely not just being over sensitive?

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 26/11/2019 20:47

I agree just be neutral

Ghosting is a horrible thing to do to people I’m astounded so many people think it’s acceptable. If she keeps with the comments tell her you find them offensive/upsetting and give a reason why you are cutting her off or just ignore them

If you planning to send your child to private school get used to it you will hear these type of comments, it’s not totally unfounded they are in a social bubble but it’s also a privilege so it’s what you feel is more important

GreytExpectations · 26/11/2019 20:54

Yes I have had to ghost a friend. I'd have preferred not to do it that way as it isn't the type of person I am. However, she left me very little option as when I tried to distance myself she wasn't getting the hint and she would have been awful in any kind of confrontation. She actually was one of my best friends but ended up being a toxic person who managed to fool me. It caused some drama but overhall was the right thing to do. Life is too short to deal with shitty people

commanderdalgliesh · 26/11/2019 20:54

I would never ghost an actual friend but she doesn't sound like a friend.

12345kbm · 26/11/2019 20:56

Of course you're not being oversensitive. What she said was unasked for and hurtful. She sounds jealous. I wouldn't ghost her. I wouldn't ghost someone that I had to see on a regular basis. What I would do, is be polite and friendly but no more. And the school sounds lovely by the way.

I think ghosting is perfectly acceptable behaviour if someone is being consistenly rude, taking advantage or abusive.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 26/11/2019 20:57

I did yes. I just felt we had had the same conversations too many times. I was beginning to feel obliged to respond to her messages quicker we had got in to a habit where i talked her up, she had a narcissistic xb that she could not go NC with. It was too frustrating.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 26/11/2019 20:58

We aren't doing private school. We both earn a pittance. We are purely sending him to this 2-7 Montessori school. Probably pulling him out when he starts school age

OP posts:
Original poster
HalyardHitch · 26/11/2019 21:01

I find her comments really tough because we thought carefully about the environment to send him to because we knew he would struggle in some places (this was even before we knew there was a real issue).

I'm very lucky that I can choose what preschool he attends and what hours he does. But I do have to work every single evening to be able to logistically do that

OP posts:
onthecoins · 26/11/2019 21:01

She sounds horrid.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 26/11/2019 21:02

Before you ghost her please educate her. It is Muck Boots or Le Chameau all the way for chicken herding here.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 26/11/2019 21:04

She's very judgemental!
Agree with all the previous posts. I wouldn't ghost her as you could be cutting yourself off from your friendship group, but just be polite to her but have minimal contact with her if possible?

Yetanotherwinter · 26/11/2019 21:15

Wow she’s awful. What a horrible thing to say to someone. How you educate your son really is no one else’s business and your “friend” needs to learn to filter. The nursery sounds lovely. Even if your child does end up being statemented I’m pretty sure that schools get more money for taking children with extra needs so I don’t understand why she thinks you’ll struggle to find a school. I would just distance myself from her as much as possible and male yourself unavailable if she tries to engage with you again.

Cuddling57 · 26/11/2019 21:15

I agree don't ghost her but do distance yourself.
And never bring up your DS schooling in front of her! Or do it loads to wind her up Wink!
My DSis loves repeating negative comments about my DS school to me and it's not even a private school Confused. Some people are just not nice!

Frenchw1fe · 26/11/2019 21:43

She sounds a bit jealous to me. It's the sort of thing people with an inferiority complex come out with.
My dn is homeschooled and vegetarian you'd be amazed at some of the ignorant comments I've heard.
I agree with pp keep your conversation superficial and if she says anything point out he is your dc and she is welcome to parent her own dc how she likes and you'll do the same with yours.

Savingshoes · 26/11/2019 22:13

Would you prefer her to be deceitful to spare your feelings?
She clearly trusts you/your friendship enough to believe you don't want her to lie to you about her opinion.
She's looking at your life from a different angle and giving you a chance to think about it from someone else's perspective.
Friends can completely disagree on many subjects: politics, parenting style, relationships, careers etc. Rather than ghost someone you have valued and cared about so long, start standing up for what you believe in.
Agree to disagree and tell her so.

MzHz · 26/11/2019 22:24

Oh ffs. Montessori isn’t even that posh/aspirational!

She’s a twat, not nice about your ds, so phase her out!

Simple

FraglesRock · 26/11/2019 22:24

Agree she's jealous. I wouldn't ghost as such but there'd be no play dates or things organised between the two of us. Just be polite.

If she's ask just say, you really hurt my feelings when you put down my parenting and the school where my child is flourishing.

BanKittenHeels · 26/11/2019 22:52

I didn’t like doing it but I’ve ghosted a “friend”. She was an awful person to be around and if I’d told her I didn’t want to be friends she would have made my life a misery, so I blocked and ignored her.

I do feel bad about it because it isn’t the way I would normally behave and I’m usually quite open when friends hurt me but this woman wasn’t the kind of person to take that kind of conversation well and I wasn’t willing to keep her in my life for the sake of avoiding that fall out.

Original poster
HalyardHitch · 27/11/2019 07:53

It sounds bad but I probably wouldn't miss her. Because I'm home with my boys I have no shortage of play date offers - we have a full and varied calendar. Its good fun. I guess she could be jealous. Although I'm home because we can't really afford day time childcare. Both my friend and her husband earn enough to put both their boys in nursery 4 days a week (although her eldest is only doing 3 full days rather than 4 now she's on mat leave). I'm not jealous in the slightest.

I'll follow advice and distance myself rather than ghost. I stood up for my choices at the time but it's her opinion that hurt me. It's negative against my ds and his potential special needs and the choices we have made to accommodate whatever needs we see he has. He wouldn't have coped full time at a busy nursery. Genuinely wouldn't have. At 12 months he was still having x2 two hour naps (minimum)

OP posts:
FreedomfromPE · 27/11/2019 08:03

You don't need to miss her anyway. Her nasty abelism doesn't really make her friend material for anyone, does it?
I'd ignore her and steer clear. I wouldn't sugar coat it by saying she hurt your feelings. Just keep her at a polite distance. Why explain that her constant put downs are tiresome? She's surely doing it on purpose, you can't accidentally criticise everything in one conversation.

Winterdaysarehere · 27/11/2019 08:09

Just be less available...
Maybe Santa will bring you a new phone +new number. Keep forgetting to give her it imo!!