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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want 19 year old daughter to get car on pcp

53 replies

Applepea1 · 26/11/2019 14:51

So my daughter who rejected her place at university this year, works as a hairdresser junior and has a car now wants to get a newer car with personal credit. Amazingly she can as if she doesn't pay I suppose they just reclaim the car. She's refused to pay any rent which caused no end of arguments but is now paying her car insurance (already £80 monthly) and her phone herself. She's hardly here and doesn't eat much so I gave up on that one. Anyway she says the car will help her be more responsible with money as at the moment she's just spending it on nothing. (takeaway food, alcohol and drugs mainly) I've told her I don't think it's a good idea, especially as she says she still wants to go to university next year (but I can't see it happening) but I can never stop her doing anything and as she keeps saying she's an adult she can do what she likes. She now is getting excited about the new cars and wants me to go with her to look. Her car did cost over £500 to get through the Mot this year so I accept that may be a drama waiting to happen. My partner is not her dad and is very disapproving of this and everything she's done recently.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 26/11/2019 15:57

Credit rating is personal, it doesn't affect other people at the same address.

Good point about not being a guarantor for the car finance if she does go ahead with it, which hopefully she won't.

fadedafternoons · 26/11/2019 15:59

Genuine question, how is op supposed to get the rent from her?

adaline · 26/11/2019 16:00

Genuine question, how is op supposed to get the rent from her?

Well, at 19, she's old enough to live on her own, so if she refuses to pay rent, she can find somewhere else to live, can't she?

Why should a 19yo who's not in education and who has a job live rent-free?

Beebumble2 · 26/11/2019 16:03

Next time she pulls the ‘adult’ card, remind her that you’re also an adult, so you can do what you like. So you’d like some rent or she leaves.
You do her no favours making life too cushy.
I say this as a mother of two DCs who now have their own homes and families. They are both grateful for the lessons learned as young adults living at home.

fadedafternoons · 26/11/2019 16:09

How would that be enforced though?

Change the locks?

MummyJasmin · 26/11/2019 16:11

'...at the moment she's just spending it on nothing. (takeaway food, alcohol and drugs mainly)'

and you're ok with this? Hmm

Bee1511 · 26/11/2019 16:14

I understand your concern but at 19 all I think you can do is guide her.

Getting a car in finance isn’t a great idea if she’s not overly responsible with money. But it’s probably her mistake to make...

I would charge her rent though. Even just a little bit to cover some of the bills.

I was having this convo with my partner the other day. When he started working enough he paid his mum £70 a week rent (I’m talking 20+ years ago here) and he was a high earner. His much younger brother (in 20’s, living at home). Works and doesn’t pay a bloody penny l! It infuriates him how mil babies her youngest kids and let them get away with everything!

Original poster
Applepea1 · 26/11/2019 16:15

Believe me I tried with the rent but after so many arguments I just said she can pay for her phone which I'd been paying and her car insurance as I was going to pay half for her. I was going to save the rent for uni money but she wants do it herself. I am soft I know but I just can't talk rationality to her as she'll scream and storm off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applepea1 · 26/11/2019 16:17

@11MummyJasmin no I hate that she smokes drugs, I've told her the issues and risks but she thinks she's immune from everything.

OP posts:
flipperdoda · 26/11/2019 16:18

She now is getting excited about the new cars and wants me to go with her to look.

I definitely wouldn't be doing that...I can't offer much advice for the rest I'm afraid. I agree she should be paying rent (or not taking the mick) but if you've agreed she doesn't have to/given up then she is correct in that it's her money.

Demogorgmum · 26/11/2019 16:18

My sister recently came out of a PCP deal. She sees if as one of the worst decisions she ever made, brand new car but would lose power totally, usually if driven at motorway speed. In fact she paid to get out a couple of weeks early as there were a lot of hidden charges that were due to be dropped on her at the end. The inspection of the car at the end of contract took ages to sort and they were very critical, using a magnifier to spot things that were not even visible to the naked eye. She paid £645 for wear and tear in the end.
Works for some, not for others.

adaline · 26/11/2019 16:20

You are far too soft on her.

You reap what you sow.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 26/11/2019 16:21

If she wants to be such a child about it then can you approach her another way - can you sit her down calmly on a day you're getting on ok and explain that another adult in the house costs money and ask why she thinks it's fair that she should be able to work and spend her money on things just for fun and to make her happy when the other adults in the house can't do this as they all contribute to the family?

If she argues like a child when you approach this then I'd be absolutely charging her a decent rent to tackle the level of entitled she must feel if she was to say yes it's fair she gets to do that and she doesn't give a shit the other people in the house don't get the same opportunities as her.

Frenchw1fe · 26/11/2019 16:22

My son paid rent on his gap year, he was 18.

I just don’t understand how she gets away with refusing to pay rent.
As pp says don’t be a guarantor. Sounds like she knows everything so let her sort out her own car finances and don’t bail her out when she gets in a mess.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 26/11/2019 16:26

Stop relying on the rest of the world to correct your daughter once she is inflicted on society.

Parent your daughter!!!

IHaveBrilloHair · 26/11/2019 16:26

I made my DD move out in July, she was 18 in August, best thing I did for both of us, and she said the same to me yesterday when she surprised me by visiting on my birthday.
She's a great girl, ad I'm sure the OP's DD is, but sometimes they will take advantage, and your relationship is a long round of arguments, or tip toeing to prevent them, and its just not healthy.

NoSquirrels · 26/11/2019 16:28

I just can't talk rationality to her as she'll scream and storm off

Not sure what advice on this thread will help you, then.

Tell her you think it’s a bad idea, you won’t be part of looking at cars with her and if she doesn’t go to uni next September at that point she needs a new place to live so she should plan accordingly. Make sure she understands you’re not paying for anything as she is an adult with her own income living rent-free.

mencken · 26/11/2019 16:38

drugs?

throw her out. End of. She is supporting knife crime, county lines and cuckooing.

DeRigueurMortis · 26/11/2019 16:43

She screams and throws a tantrum because it works.

As a pp has said you reap what to sow.

I'll bet good money she won't ever go to Uni. She's clearly not saving to do so and buying a car that she won't need/be able to park/afford if she went is madness.

She'll get used to her current cushy lifestyle, free rent, nice car, money for fags and drugs and never develop any aspirations or work ethic to do better - an attitude your enabling.

So by all means keep giving in to her OP and she'll be living with you at 27 having never gone to Uni and moaning that her friends that did are now earning more than her, driving nicer cars and feeling sorry for herself and you'll be posting back here asking for advice on how to get her to move out/pay rent and you'll get the same answers and probably won't listen because you're "too soft" not stepping up as a parent because you don't want to deal with your child's shit attitude to life and responsibility.

Harsh yes, but frankly I'm not sure you're listening to what everyone is telling you....

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/11/2019 16:45

I am soft I know but I just can't talk rationality to her as she'll scream and storm off

So what if she screams and storms off? It's hardly the end of the world is it. Shrug and carry on with your day. Start again when she comes back. Repeat.

MummyJasmin · 26/11/2019 16:48

@Applepea1 No wonder she is the way she is then!!

Surely the fear of your parents or the throught of disappointing them should be enough to stop someone from even contemplating drugs, no?

Wolfiefan · 26/11/2019 16:49

Let her storm off. She can sleep in the car she wants so badly.
If she wants to live with you then she has to contribute.

adaline · 26/11/2019 16:50

I am soft I know but I just can't talk rationality to her as she'll scream and storm off.

In the nicest way OP - so what? Why does it matter if she has a tantrum?

You're not doing your DD any favours. She's an adult, stop babying her.

IHaveBrilloHair · 26/11/2019 16:55

You really aren't helping her either you know.
I went along with it for far too long, because Dd was under 18, and even then she was in care for 14 months because her behaviour was intolerable.
We have a fantastic relationship now, because she doesn't live with me.
So many things she still does that would be an argument, but nope, not now, her money, her home, she'll sort it out herself, and do you know what, she does, and do you know how much money I've given her since July?
£0.

Devereux1 · 26/11/2019 17:01

It always makes me laugh when 18+ year old adults bring out the "I'm an adult" card and demand they can do what they want, but sponge at home and aren't responsible for themselves.

She is living under your roof, eating your food, benefitting from all your bill paying and not paying board? Spending it on drugs instead? You let her get away with such contempt of you and your partner? Why on earth would you let her do that to yourselves?

If she wants to make a silly financial decision, let her. She will learn. But you must charge her board.