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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not see my parents this xmas

38 replies

ladyofearlybedtimes · 26/11/2019 14:29

This might be a long one. My dad has pretty much ruined every xmas, by starting some kind of argument xmas day. He moans that he hasn't got what presents he likes, my children are too loud, all whilst he sits in his chair and expects to be waited on hand and food by my mother. My dad is abusive, but as I love my mum I do put up with him for her sake.

I'm now divorced a couple of years and only have my children every other year. My sister sees her husbands family every other year, so this year it will just be my mum and dad if I don't go. I'm expected still to see them this xmas. I have told my mum I just want to stay at home alone and will see them the next day when I have the kids. I can tell my mums deeply hurt, but I can't deal with my dad two days in a row and she can't understand why I would like to be alone this xmas day.

If it wasn't for my mum I wouldn't see him at all.

OP posts:
bgegmum · 26/11/2019 14:37

Could you invite them round? For the sounds of it your dad won't come anyway. Then at least your not outright saying your not seeing them.

richteasandcheese · 26/11/2019 15:44

Invite them round, couple of hours, suck it up for your mum. Don't push her away because she's stuck in an abusive relationship

NearlyGranny · 26/11/2019 15:48

Christmas is a 12 day festival. Your DP could be reminded of this! Arrange your visit to suit you and your DC. If your DP want your company, they need to make themselves agreeable, don't they?

Original poster
ladyofearlybedtimes · 27/11/2019 09:51

The thing is if I did invite them, they would come, but my dad wouldn't leave and would spend much of the day criticising my house whilst he's at it. I would love to see my mum and will see them on boxing day anyway, but I can't manage two days in a row with my dad, and there is no way I can see her without him, as he doesn't let her go out much.

OP posts:
AaandBreathe · 27/11/2019 10:11

Is there something you could do with your mum that your dad would absolutely refuse to do, e.g. a carol service, walk?

Original poster
ladyofearlybedtimes · 27/11/2019 11:52

Its a nice idea, but he wouldn't let her go out whilst he was left all alone at home. He hates to be left out of things. If I want to see my mum on my own we plan a day out when she's suppose to be at work and don't tell him :(

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/11/2019 11:54

Your poor mother!

What would happen if you had an open and frank discussion with your dad and told him how he makes you feel?
Would he just go NC and make your mom do the same?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/11/2019 11:57

He's an abusive bloke, I doubt any discussion with him about it would have a good result IME.

Ponoka7 · 27/11/2019 12:01

"Don't push her away because she's stuck in an abusive relationship"

She isn't though. She's enabled and colluded in his abuse and now, when the OP has broken free she still wants to drag her back.

If my Father had have lived past my age of 16, I wouldn't have ever seen my Mother.

Do you subject your children to this often, OP?

RatherBeRiding · 27/11/2019 12:08

Ponoka is right - hard as it is to accept, your mum chooses to enable your DF to be an abusive arse!

In your shoes, I'd go Boxing Day but stick to my guns to spend Christmas day on my own, without the stress. And I'd tell her exactly why.

We all have choices.

Cookit · 27/11/2019 12:09

Would you need to stay overnight or can you pop in? Especially if it would mean staying, I think it’s fair enough. I used to hate going “home” for Christmas and dreaded it all year round.
Now I have DH and DC we do our own Christmas (when I was little we didn’t go and stay at my grandparents house so they can hardly be put out that I’m doing the same).
If I didn’t have DH and DC I hope I would have stopped going back by now as it was really miserable.

Original poster
ladyofearlybedtimes · 27/11/2019 12:11

There is no having an open and frank discussion with him, he's a narc, he will feel backed in a corner which will then leave me being verbally abused, whilst my mum gets upset that I've poked the angry tiger. There is no winning with him, so I have low contact with him and my children only see him when i'm there too. If it wasn't for my mother I would have left and she did try when were kids to leave him, but she just isn't strong enough to do it. Generally he just watches TV or gardens so we don't have much conversation and I just don't engage with him, but apparently that's because i'm a bitch, I do it as I don't let him feed off my emotions anymore. Obvs Christmas he will be in the house and will be moaning that my sister dares to see her husbands family and why I have let my children go and see their dad on xmas day. I just don't want my dad dragged down by him. Boxing dad my sister and husband will be there and he's much better behaved when her husband is there as he's not the alpha male.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyofearlybedtimes · 27/11/2019 12:16

He wasn't so bad when my ex partner would come over with me, as he wouldn't verbally attack me in front of him. Now i'm single i'm fair game I guess just like my mother. I wish he would just disappear one day and just let my mum have some kind of normal life again. She's such a good woman and grandma, but incredibly weak to stay with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyofearlybedtimes · 27/11/2019 12:17

I could attempt to nip over, but I would be pushed to stay the day by them both. It's hard to pack out when you are guilt tripped by him.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 27/11/2019 12:22

Don’t go. You know exactly how he’ll behave. Your plan to go on Boxing Day when there’s a crowd is a good one.
What will you plan to do at home on Xmas day?

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/11/2019 12:26

Have you told your mother the reason why you don’t want to go

Whoops75 · 27/11/2019 12:28

Don’t go, my grandfather was like this and it’s awful to be around.

Original poster
ladyofearlybedtimes · 27/11/2019 12:29

Yes my mum knows and she's understanding, but I can tell she wants me there. I didn't choose to have this man in my life though and she has, so I feel I should have a choice in bailing out this xmas. I plan to drink some Baileys in my pj's, watch xmas films and look forward to seeing my children when they get dropped off that evening x

OP posts:
blindmansbluff · 27/11/2019 12:32

Don't go, your Mum has made her choice now you get to make yours.

Herocomplex · 27/11/2019 12:33

Have you ever looked at the Out of The Fog website? Might help you to get some perspective.

I understand why you want to help your mother, but just bear in mind she hadn’t saved you. You can set a good example to her though.

Drum2018 · 27/11/2019 12:34

No way would I go. Your mother has made a choice to stay with him but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate him. You don't have to visit and I'd be telling your mother exactly why you're not going. Call on Boxing Day if it suits you and if he makes one negative comment get up and leave.

diddl · 27/11/2019 12:35

" Now i'm single i'm fair game I guess just like my mother."

So he abuses you in front of your children?

If so I don't think that you should go at all.

messolini9 · 27/11/2019 12:35

"Don't push her away because she's stuck in an abusive relationship"
She isn't though.

Of course she is, @Ponoka7!

If it were the OP's DM posting here instead, writing something like "my DD doesn't want to spend xmas with me because of my narc DH, & I only get to see her alone the rest of the year by lying to DH that I am at work", you'd probably acknowledge her abuse.

The facts of the OP escaping (to a degree - she's still saddled with dealing with DF's arsery intermittently) does not mean that her mother's lack of escape means she isn't in an abusive relationship.

There is no clear black & white dividing line between "escaped abusive relationship" & "enabling & colluding". Piling onto the OP's mum because she is still a trapped victim is out of order.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/11/2019 12:42

You can acknowledge the abuse while facing the fact that she is choosing to stay there and has allowed her children to be abused by him. Her bed to lie in.

OP. You have broken free from his abuse. Now do what your mother failed to do for you and protect your children.

Enjoy Christmas. Tell your mother that your relationship with her is dependent on him not being around. The ball is in her court.

messolini9 · 27/11/2019 12:42

OP, this is a horrible quandary & you are trapped between a rock & a hard place. Flowers

The only sensible option I can come up with is talking to your mum - assuming you can get her alone - & telling her directly, clearly & compassionately how much spending any time with DF affects your wellbeing & mental health. That you are concerned about & sorry for her, but cannot manage the xmas day visit with just the 3 of you. That you wish she had managed to leave all thise years ago, & that it's not too late now & you will support her through it if she can summon the courage.

You may already have done this ... in which case you can only reiterate ... but at least it gives YOU a boundary.
If it has a chance of also showing your mother your line in the sand, & her path over & beyond it, all to the good. But for right now, you just need to extricate yourself from what would be an untenable xmas day for you. You are not responsible for your mother's relationship - all you can do is not be further drawn into conflict or arsery from DH by avoidance - & show your mum that it's possible to live without him.