AIBU to not see my parents this xmas

[ladyofearlybedtimes]

This might be a long one. My dad has pretty much ruined every xmas, by starting some kind of argument xmas day. He moans that he hasn't got what presents he likes, my children are too loud, all whilst he sits in his chair and expects to be waited on hand and food by my mother. My dad is abusive, but as I love my mum I do put up with him for her sake.

I'm now divorced a couple of years and only have my children every other year. My sister sees her husbands family every other year, so this year it will just be my mum and dad if I don't go. I'm expected still to see them this xmas. I have told my mum I just want to stay at home alone and will see them the next day when I have the kids. I can tell my mums deeply hurt, but I can't deal with my dad two days in a row and she can't understand why I would like to be alone this xmas day.

If it wasn't for my mum I wouldn't see him at all.

sorry DF not DH in that last sentence above!

Word for word I am with you op. I am in your position, exactly the same.

I am so sorry you are in this position, it is particularly hard without the support of a dp. I so understand this.

My father will never accept he is anything other than perfect, even though he is the same as yours. And you are right, you will be fair game and he will be even worse as you will be on your own.

Your mother (the same as mine) has decided to stay with him, that was her choice, but no way do you need to do the same! No bloody way.

Stand your ground, and see some friends on christmas day? Can you do that? And if you can't, I would not go to their house, no way. Have a lazy morning as you suggested, and then decorate the house and get ready for when the children come home and have the best party and fun once they are home. Tell your mother you can not face going anywhere, and being with your father will make it even harder for you, so that has been decided. You will pop in for an hour or whatever on Boxing day.

It is ultimately about self preservation. You have enough on your plate, and you can bet your life that he will capitalise on your vulnerability. Don't let him!

I haven't seen my parents for three years at christmas, we have bene very low contact, I don't trust him to be kind to my children because my father is so volatile. They are coming for a few hours this year, I am very nervous and worried even just about that. So I understand x 100000000.

Do what works for you. Your mother made her choices a long time ago, and it wasn't your safety and well being in mind.

Does she want you there to take the pressure off her. Almost to deflect his rage.

Maybe without you there she might think it is time to move on.

I know this sounds not a nice thing to say but sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will escape.

I don’t know your parents circumstances, are they in a rented or own the house?

Because if they own then your mother might be surprised at how much she is worth just on her half alone.

If your mother is like mine, she will have given up on the idea of leaving a long time ago. Age, lack of good health, fear of being alone will keep her tethered to him. It has been agonising watching this over the years, I pleaded with her from the moment I realised around seven years of age that you do not need to stay with a husband, and begged her to leave him. She flirted with the idea for a few years, tantalising us with the prospect of a quiet and happy childhood before deciding, for reasons only known to her, it was better the devil you knew.

I can not tell you what a life sentence it is for a child trapped in this position, it is impossible to escape as a child. Op, is now an adult and does not need to live like this anymore. Even Christmas alone is preferable. Where do you live op? You are welcome to come to us.

Your dc should not be party to his abuse. Seeing you verbally abused and dgm isn't giving them good examples of healthy relationships...
Maybe actually not going could give dm the nudge needed to Ltb.
You don't owe her your own mh /happiness.
Or take a strapping male friend to answer the fucker back...

What a great website, out of the fog.

I agree YANBU

I feel very sorry for your mum and yes it's not her fault she is in an abusive relationship. And it sounds like you are there for her, and she knows this.

But expecting you to go round her house and be abused too is too much

Sending you a big hug. My dad is exactly the same as yours. My dad is in his 70s. I'm in my 30s. I have had 30 years of treading on egg shells around him, constant negatively etc. As soon as I am in his company I completely change as a person and my anxiety goes through the roof!
When I lived at home we used to argue all the time. My mum is exactly the same as yours. Had waited on him all their lives. She goes nowhere without him and he's in charge of everything. He tried this with my husband and I, especially when we had kids, but i pushed back. I now barely speak to him at all during visits. I absolutely dread the day if anything happens to my mum. I'm an only child. He will expect me to take her place, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping for him whilst he does nothing. It's horrible.
I do everything for my mums sake so I would say just do it for her. Just go for the afternoon maybe.

ladyof this sounds like an awful situation for both you and your mother
If she knows, and you will be going boxing day, don't go. Won't be easy, but you need to do what's best for you. I've a similar situation with my mum (she's the abuser to me though, she's single) and I always get the guilt trip about visiting at Christmas, but my view is it's my Christmas too, and I don't want to spend it miserable.

snuggle Do you feel you need to replace your mother? I just wondering why you would consider doing so, given how awful he is. I intend to give my father the number for the local cleaning company and that will be that. I won't be guilted into being there for him as his personal domestic slave. I see it as an opportunity in some ways to not have him in my life. The only reason I am still in touch is for mothers sake, and for her sake only.

Yanbu, such a shame your dm hasn't the strength to leave him

@Considermesometimes I hope your xmas goes as well as it can. I'll be thinking of you.

She was going to leave my dad when I was around 9 and told me and my sister to be ready to go in the night, but for whatever reason she didn't. My sister who's older told me he threatened to burn the house down if she ever left. My dad went away from a couple of weeks when we were kids and I remember it being such a lovely couple of weeks and how happy my mum was and is my favourite memory of my childhood. I have mental health problems and have had therapy for years, which i'm certain is down to my dad. I have good boundaries now and know not to engage with him, so my contact is very limited with him, as is my childrens. I tried to teach my mum about abuse, the freedom program etc etc, but her way of dealing with it is to bury her emotions. Luckily she still works, which gives her some kind of break from my dad and i'll often pick my mum up from work and take her shopping so I get some time with her one on one. I know it sounds horrible, but I do hope she gets some years of her life without him, so she can shine again.