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Missing out on my family Christmas again

217 replies

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 15:40

I've name changed as this could be quite outing. This is first married Christmas with DH, obviously not our first Christmas, we've been together for six years. We live in The Midlands and the whole of my family live in Scotland, about seven hours drive. DH has two adult children (18 and 20) and I don't have children. Every year I've visited my family either between Christmas and New Year or in January as I understand how important it is for a father to see his children at Christmas. As we're around for Christmas we do see the rest of his family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, making the whole of Christmas a DH family event, while I don't get to see my family until after the event. I'll be honest, its not ideal but it's one of the perks of being a childfree stepmum. This year, his children have their own plans, girlfriends/friends but we still can't change the plans, we still have to be around for all of his family events, while I don't get to see my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews until after all the lovely Christmas feeling is over.

AIBU? Please please don't say I chose this life when I met him. Six years ago when I met him I wouldn't have expected to have to give up seeing my own family at Christmas forever. It simply wasn't the choice I made.

OP posts:
Havaina · 26/11/2019 09:03

Normally (on here) step mums are encouraged to put themselves last in favour of the children (regardless of age) and the father of those children.

I don’t think this is the case. Yes there are some strange people who think SMS need to put themselves last but they very much in the minority.

user1471590586 · 26/11/2019 10:45

You need to ask your husband if you are ever going to be go as a couple to your family at Xmas. What about next year, and the year after that, will he have the same excuse? Sounds like he will never compromise on seeing your family instead. Your parents are in their 80s, it's time to spend a Xmas with them. Your husband sounds very selfish.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 26/11/2019 10:52

My mother moved away a number of years ago with her husband & is now approx 4-5 hours drive away from us. My step son visita Xmas Eve & goes home Xmas day around lunch time or arrives Xmas day lunch time & stays boxing day alternating every year.

My mum's husband won't leave the house over Christmas as he's convinced this is prime time for burglary & she won't come on her own therefore I don't spend Christmas with my mother anymore, haven't for 10 years & probably never will again (aging).

It's something i'm fine with - we see them at other times when the weather is nicer, the traffic is better & the whole time spent together doesn't have any of the stress of Christmas

Biscuitsdisappear · 26/11/2019 11:30

Your other half is being totally selfish.

GreenTulips · 26/11/2019 12:22

He is a selfish git, always has been, but I've now got a lot of food for thought and might just put myself and my own family first

See DH didn’t like travelling with the kids, so I used to take them in holidays, or he wouldn’t comment so I booked leaving him to book and tag along if he wanted to

Now he asks to be included

If I’d lay down and did as he asked we’d never go away

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 26/11/2019 13:00

@Havaina I disagree, I find that SMs are usually given quite a hard time on here if they try to put themselves or their relationships first. I say this regardless of the age of the children. I read posts recently where adult step children were being infantilised and the grating term of 'poor kids' overused. I think it was a case of the couple wanting to go on holiday and the adult step kids having a hissy because they weren't invited. But there's been loads of examples.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 27/11/2019 19:35

I’d organise myself and go to Scotland. Hopefully his kids will see him for an hour each over the course of a week and he will realise he a selfish stupid idiot and should have come with you. If your parent/s aren’t here next year would you be ok with that? Would your marriage survive knowing the only reason you didn’t go was so he could again spend Christmas with his kids(and saw them for probably 6 hours over the period). He sees his kids all the time. Go to Scotland!

underneaththeash · 27/11/2019 19:41

Surely, all that needs to happen is that he texts his children and asks when they would like to come round and then you plan around them?

Babynamechangerr · 27/11/2019 19:53

I think lollypop's point is right, if you go up this year seperately and he seperately goes to where his kids are, only to find thst he's not prioritised by them and ends up spending most of the tkme on his own he might appreciate you more.

When you're in a step parent situation or people have partners you have to alternate. Surely these kids spend some Christmasws with their mother?

IdiotInDisguise · 27/11/2019 20:03

I have yet to see a thread in Mumsnet when a SM is not nastily demanded to back off, sacrifice her life, put herself at the bottom rung of the family hierarchy or leave because the step kids are the first priority.

Frankly, I would rather no step parent did that for my child, I want him to become a considerate adult that can become a team player, not a selfish twat convinced the world and their dog revolve around him.

Go to Scotland OP, I would much rather spend Christmas alone with my family than spending three days resenting the husband and the kids for keeping you on hold and sacrifice your Christmas just in case they, possibly, fancy to drop by if they get bored with their plans or do not know where to go when the shops or restaurants are closed.

PinkiOcelot · 27/11/2019 20:20

Your husband is a selfish bastard and you are towing the line. It would be bad enough if there were actually plans in place to spend time with his sons over Christmas but there isn’t.
How would you feel if something happened to one of your parents and they weren’t here next Christmas?! For these non arrangements with his sons?! I don’t think you would forgive yourself. I know I wouldn’t and I’d bloody resent him as well!!

wineandroses1 · 27/11/2019 20:29

Op stop being such a wimp about this. 6 years! You know it’s never going to be your turn. So just go and visit your parents for Christmas. How sad must they be that you don’t. At their age you know anything could happen between this Christmas and the next. Or perhaps you don’t really like them very much? Can’t think why you’d not go otherwise.

Drum2018 · 27/11/2019 20:59

I'd go to Scotland. You have put your Dh first for 6 years so it's time to put yourself first. It not too late to make arrangements and surely your parents would be delighted to have you for Christmas. You don't need to make an issue of it, just tell him you have made the decision to go but you understand that he doesn't want to go with you. Let him see you are not allowing him to control you.

TowelNumber42 · 27/11/2019 21:26

He's having a hard time accepting that his kids aren't bothered about seeing him at Christmas. I bet your parents feel the same. Show him what nice children do. Maybe he will bloody well demand a set date from his lot next year.

ShinyGiratina · 27/11/2019 21:29

Go to Scotland. The DSCs are grown up enough that they are not bothered enough to fix plans to see you. You should not waste the opportunity to have a family Christmas and should not be deprived of a family Christmas year in year out.

DH's family is a flight away. Visiting with family at Christmas isn't very practical for several reasons. MiL has a Christmas birthday and the last time she had a significant birthday DH flew over for a couple of days getting back home in the early hours of Christmas. The DCs were 3&6 so not ideal, but DH went with my blessing as he has a right to spend time with his family too, and that opportunity will not be there forever.

GonnaBeMaayy · 09/01/2020 08:15

Hope you’re well OP.
Enquiring minds want to know how you got on?

owlalwaysloveyou · 09/01/2020 10:39

Only just seen this thread. Hope you had a lovely festive period. It strikes me that dh won't leave dc at Christmas now to visit your family and it will be the same in a few years with potential dgc. You will likely both want to see young dgc at christmas and then you're never getting back up for your side of family Christmas again.

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