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Missing out on my family Christmas again

217 replies

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 15:40

I've name changed as this could be quite outing. This is first married Christmas with DH, obviously not our first Christmas, we've been together for six years. We live in The Midlands and the whole of my family live in Scotland, about seven hours drive. DH has two adult children (18 and 20) and I don't have children. Every year I've visited my family either between Christmas and New Year or in January as I understand how important it is for a father to see his children at Christmas. As we're around for Christmas we do see the rest of his family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, making the whole of Christmas a DH family event, while I don't get to see my family until after the event. I'll be honest, its not ideal but it's one of the perks of being a childfree stepmum. This year, his children have their own plans, girlfriends/friends but we still can't change the plans, we still have to be around for all of his family events, while I don't get to see my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews until after all the lovely Christmas feeling is over.

AIBU? Please please don't say I chose this life when I met him. Six years ago when I met him I wouldn't have expected to have to give up seeing my own family at Christmas forever. It simply wasn't the choice I made.

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ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:15

Yes, @Hont1986 that's right, they're 18 and 20. They have their own plans which are mostly centred around girlfriends and they've yet to decide when the can fit us in.

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MsPavlichenko · 25/11/2019 16:15

If you want to be there then go. He can join you or not. His DC are grown up and have their own plans. He can arrange a "Christmas" with them for before or after.

To be honest if you don't break the pattern now that is going to be it from now on He has had it all his own way so far and clearly has no plans to change. You can talk all you like but ime actions get a better result. Tell him you're going home. You'd love him to join you but either way you are going. Tell your family Get travel sorted/booked. Otherwise he won't believe you. Hopefully he will come. If not you will have a better Christmas with your family than resenting staying at home ( yet again).

gamerchick · 25/11/2019 16:16

Thing is, it seems you have a choice if he won't budge. Do what he wants or go alone.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/11/2019 16:18

Hmm. I wonder if your relationship has always been a matter of letting him have his own way and, now that you are actually married, his idea that he is the boss of you is going to get even stronger.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:21

I don't think he feels he's the boss, he just feels he is more justified in spending Christmas with family because he has children and because I don't it doesn't matter (to him). We have a good relationship and I get on well with his children. We're happy and don't have any power struggles. I chose to live here and don't usually have any complaints.

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Rubyroost · 25/11/2019 16:27

Yep they're 18band adults who don't need their 'daddy' round at Christmas. Op go it alone if you have to, your husband sounds like a pita.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:28

What's a pita? Sorry, quite new to mumsnet.

OP posts:
ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:28

Oh, pain in the ass?

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Rubyroost · 25/11/2019 16:29

Not mumsnet, just me being lazy.. Pain in the arse 😂

Rubyroost · 25/11/2019 16:29


ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:30

Ha ha, yes he is over this! But he'd only say I am being too.

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Hopefloatsaway · 25/11/2019 16:31

First married Christmas or not you should just go on your own to see your own family.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 16:32

I've tried negotiating with him but he simply won't budge

This is your Christmases forever OP, think about that.....

DarlingNikita · 25/11/2019 16:33

He's very inflexible and unreasonable. Does he know how important it is to you to see your family? If he does, and he still won't compromise, I think you'll have to tell him you're going to Scotland regardless and he is more than welcome to come. If he realises you're not kidding he might think again.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 16:33

We're happy and don't have any power struggles

because you do as your told... Hmm

howabout · 25/11/2019 16:33

I have teenagers similar age to your step children.
When they are busy with their own plans and won't firm up on anything "absence makes the heart grow fonder" works wonders. Also they appreciate the space of not having to fulfil parental obligations. My parents are divorced and I have a step-Mum. If my Dad had gone away for Christmas occasionally it would have been fine with me and helped a lot with continual splitting myself in 2.

Has your DH ever considered his "needy" signals from his DC's PoV?

And yes YANBU. We live a long way from my in-laws so I keep this in mind when making plans for the holidays in fairness to them and DH.

Nousernameforme · 25/11/2019 16:34

Yeah but your not though you've done what he has wanted for the last 6 years.
Go on your own, I don't think I would even offer beyond a I'm off to my parents for Christmas are you coming with?

Hont1986 · 25/11/2019 16:34

Genuinely can't believe that there are Mumsnet posters who think an 18 year old is a grown adult who doesn't need to see their parents at Christmas.

I wonder if the advice would be the same if OP was posting about her new husband wanting to take her up to Scotland for Christmas to be with his family rather than her 'adult children'.

gamerchick · 25/11/2019 16:36

I wonder if the advice would be the same if OP was posting about her new husband wanting to take her up to Scotland for Christmas to be with his family rather than her 'adult children'

Yep it would. It doesnt matter what the sex of the adult. One doesn't get their own way every single year.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:36

Thank you all very much for responding, much appreciated.

I suppose what I'm looking to drill into is the fact he has children and I don't, so does that mean he should be available for them to come and visit on the three important days (Eve, Day and BD)? They're still young adults and although they've never believed in Santa Claus since I've been around, it's not all that long ago we were opening presents together and enjoying the magic of Christmas. AIBU to want to take DH away from this for my own wants?

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Disfordarkchocolate · 25/11/2019 16:36

It's tough, I think his children are both old enough to be asked to set a date to see their Dad. Him just sitting around waiting to be fitted in some time is going to end in grief at some point.

See what his children say and then make your plans, no matter what he says he can't and shouldn't put his children first every year now they are adults. I'd go to Scotland.

justasking111 · 25/11/2019 16:37

Supposing the boot was on the other foot and you too had children with a dad and family all in Scotland you would have to alternate then would you not.

justasking111 · 25/11/2019 16:39

At 18 an 20 mine were hungover at xmas and no fun at all. I was steaming at the time that they were such flakes. So your OH should not get his hopes up that his kids will be bright eyed and bushy tailed at xmas.

ChristmasbloodyChristmas · 25/11/2019 16:40

@Hont1986 I'm absolutely not saying his 18 year old shouldn't see his father at Christmas. Nor is he a grown adult, but his is of adult age. He's a young adult.

But shouldn't Christmas be about sharing time and not giving in to just one person.

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BigGlasses · 25/11/2019 16:41

I would possibly just suck it up this year, but on the very clear understanding that next year (when the kids are 19 and 21) you are going to your family for Christmas and that you expect him to come with you.

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