Secret Fucking Santa for 8-9 year olds???

[AaandBreathe]

Just had a letter home from school about a Secret Santa. Each kid picks three names out of a hat over the next three weeks and has to buy (three gifts shouldn't cost more than £10) a gift and at some point over the week secretly deliver it to the child.

The aim of the exercise is to learn how to keep secrets and how to plan strategically.

I have to sign a form saying that either my DS will take part any by signing he is agreeing to keep secret:
Who his gifts are for.
What the gift is.
If he spots anyone else delivering or wrapping their gift.

Or I can refuse to let him take part. Because that will be fun when all the other kids in the class get gifts.

DS has ASD & ADHD. He has never understood the concept of keeping something secret He will happily hand you a gift and say "open it, it's your new X".

He still believes in Santa.

WTF are the thinking and what the hell do I do next?

Oh and AIBU for thinking the school are miserable tossers who want to destroy my DS's Christmas?

I kind of feel like the school shouldn't be teaching kids to keep secrets.

Secret Santa is shite anyway.
We also hear a lot about children living in poverty so what happens when they can't afford to partake?

I actually think it's quite irresponsible of the school.

Schools should absolutely not be teaching children to keep secrets! Have they not heard of safeguarding? Also, what if you don’t have £10 spare, or your child dislikes the child they pick, possibly for very valid reasons? I cannot begin to think how anyone thought this was a good idea.

Even for adults secret Santa is a normally bit rubbish! Nobody ever wants the gift they get

Honestly if you’ve got to buy 3 gifts for £10 no child is going to get anything decent!

I mean I’d let him take part so his not the only one left out but I can see so many issues with this what if a family is too poor? What if a child gets Sophie who they don’t like? What if a child gets upset because the gift they got was rubbish and Sam got a better one?

I thought surprises were ok but secrets aren’t for children.

I’d be so annoyed of my daughter had to take part in this and it puts pressure on families that are already struggling.

School should not be teaching kids to keep ’secrets’. Maybe it’s a lazy choice of wording but that a word abusers use.

And who are school to set a price limit when it’s the parents who will be forking out?

I’d be going in to school and explaining my reasoning for why I’m declining.

To learn how to keep secrets? As a primary teacher, I'm not sure how that links to the curriculum and why it's something a school needs to teach. I wouldn't give permission, OP, but perhaps give the teacher a gift to be given to your DS on the same day the secret Santa gifts are being given out? Just something small but at least he won't wonder why everyone else has a gift.

I'd be steering clear myself if it was DS's class.

I have a few issues;

10 is a lot of money for some people
Children shouldn't be encouraged to keep secrets
And mainly, it could potentially ruin xmas for children if they realise their parents plays secret santa every year!

I would try speak to some other parents, you might find your son isn't the only one who wont be doing it

More wife work for parents.

Huge potential for children being upset.

I feel uneasy about the teaching to keep secrets side of this more than anything else. It feels wrong. I think I'd have to raise my concerns to be honest, maybe say he can do it but write a note to the teacher saying your child does not keep secrets and you are not happy at the promotion of this anyway, so although he will participate he cannot sign anything he cannot stick to.

Sounds like the sort of thing that could end up causing a lot of trouble.
Plus even more work/organising for parents (probably mostly mothers lets be clear).
I’m irritated for you OP! Why do schools do this sort of thing?!

I have no moral issue with this but I do think secret santa is a massive pile of wank and, ultimately, this will just ANOTHER thing to the list of 'school-related Christmas naffness' that parents have to do/pay for.

I don’t think we can castigate a school for allowing the concept of a ‘secret’. I mean, come on. How many times have you said to your child something like, “Don’t tell Grandma we’ve got her the X - it’s a secret”? Bringing safeguarding into this is going to make you look odd.

But it’s done now, isn’t it? It isn’t going to destroy your DS’ Christmas. Just say he won’t take part.

I very much doubt a school would do this. Even DS's school where the HT is daft as a brush wouldn't make kids keep secrets.

Ridiculous extra pressure on parents who do not need the extra expense on top of everything else. Then kids having arguments about who got who what and then there will always be one or two that go overboard. How about the class getting together to do some good in the community- make cards or craft gifts for people local old folks home or maybe give donations to make a Christmas shoe box parcel for local food banks.

I wouldn't be able to afford this, and would really resent being forced to participate in something like this. If the total price of the 3 gifts is £10, then all the gifts are going to be useless tat anyway, or just boxes of chocolates.

Lots wrong with this. Encouraging gifts for the sake of it, encouraging kids to keep secrets. Unnecessary expense for families who may not be able to afford it, inevitable consequence of some children just being left out. Horrible idea. Have a word with the school.

I very much doubt a school would do this.
So how do you explain away the permission slip sitting in front of me then?

Yes, for all of these reasons. If I withdraw him, it underlines his differences to the rest of the class. I like the idea of giving the teacher gifts for him, but what do I do about the lesson when they pick each other's names out of the hat?

How many times have you said to your child something like, “Don’t tell Grandma we’ve got her the X - it’s a secret”?
Actually I say surprise rather than secret. Said...because I don't tell him any more what gifts are because I know he will blurt it out, then get upset that he told.

This strikes me as a bit of a disaster waiting to happen.
But it might be fun if everyone participates and gets similar types of gifts I suppose.
I can imagine it only happening once though.

Actually I say surprise rather than secret.

Okay, but with respect, that’s you, isn’t it? Secrets aren’t inherently bad things.

We don’t keep secrets. I drum that in to my DS.
The money thing is a worry. More pressure for parents who haven’t got a spare tenner.
Have the school got an fb parents page. Ours would be going off at this!

Three gifts?? Over the next three weeks? Like no one has anything better to do inside or outside school? And I can only imagine the fallout when some people get good presents and others don’t. Also signing a form about keeping a secret and not being seen delivering gifts - is there a sanction for failing in these tasks?!

Nah I wouldn’t like this, £10 is a lot to some people. In fact I know there are struggling family’s in my kids school. I can’t imagine it running smoothly

Also signing a form about keeping a secret and not being seen delivering gifts - is there a sanction for failing in these tasks?!

Who knows. Shaming in front of the class probably 🙄

Ok, well maybe not. But I've no idea. Both DS and I have to sign the permission slip.

I think I'm going to go with "people sometimes like to pretend to be Santa and give little gifts to each other" .
Or not, because that will give the game away. Any better suggestions?
And I don't know how the teachers have described it in class.
And I don't know if he'll want to take part. Or if he does, how to make him keep quiet.

I think I'm going to go with "people sometimes like to pretend to be Santa and give little gifts to each other" .
Or not, because that will give the game away. Any better suggestions?

Just say it’s a game. You pretend you’re Father Christmas and buy some secret presents, then you see whether you can guess who bought what.

Or you could speak to the teacher and say you think it might not work for your DS.

It just sounds like it was a great idea in the staff room but in reality it won't hold water. I think you should certainly discuss your concerns regarding DS and how he might react to it and if he participates how this might work for him. It would be difficult for alot of parents to find a spare tenner at this time of year too.

Well if he wants to take part that’s great.

Sign the form and just don’t give a monkeys if he blabs, what are they going to do about it?? I assume they know he has ASD and ADHD so they must have to make allowances for his needs?