To consider ending my relationship over this?

[Bananablueberry]

My fairly new boyfriend referred to someone we know as a 'spaz'. They don't have any form of learning difficulties and it was said as a joke rather than maliciously but it's still absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances.

I've heard him refer to people/things as 'retards'/'retarded' on a few different occasions before, in similar contexts.

I've always pulled him up on it, every time, so he knows how I feel about it but this time it no longer feels like "an accident" or something that "slips out" as he claims. We have very different political views as I'm slowly beginning to discover and I feel like this is a big representation of this

Am I overreacting massively?

Not overreacting. Chuck him.

Mmm I can't stand the word retard, I think spaz is offensive I find the word a bit cringe but I suppose people don't actually realise it's offensive, saying that my kids have never come out with it so a grown man is a bit embarrassing.

Completely unacceptable. LTB.

Dating is about getting to know one another and if you have such different outlooks then don’t bother wasting anymore time. Next!

Depends entirely on non-verbal cues for me. I grew up in the very privileged south during the 80s/90s where words like spaz and mong were a very common playful insult. It's taken me years of dedicated effort to cut these habitual responses. I've been lucky though to move to a place that is very socially aware and responsible and to have learned but it was quite common for these words to slip out in the first year or two of the effort.

How does your partner respond to being pulled up on it? Does he apologise or just breezily blow it off? Does he seem to be making an effort to stop the habit or does he seem to not give a shit? Those are the questions to be asking as the answers lead to different choices for me. If he's making an effort to stop and apologises when called out, give the lad a chance. If he dismisses the problem? Then I likely would leave as well.

Bin him this is a deal breaker for me personally

Definitely not.

Why prolong the unpleasantness.

If it's a deal-breaker for your then whether other people think you're being unreasonable or not is irrelevant.

I grew up in the 80's where 'spaz', 'mong', 'flid' etc. were common playground insults and we're really considered particularly offensive. If someone I was dating used them (assuming they were used in a 'jokey' way and not said with malicious intent or at someone with genuine learning difficulties) then I wouldn't really care.

Like I say though, it's irrelevant what other's think and, if it's something you can't overlook then maybe you're not compatible.

We have very different political views as I'm slowly beginning to discover and I feel like this is a big representation of this

I can't imagine political views have much of a bearing on his use of the word 'retard' to be fair.

How would his political views be part of this?

We have very different political views as I'm slowly beginning to discover and I feel like this is a big representation of this
I think that means you should dump him. You need to be with someone who holds the same values as you.

I would expect someone who has reached adulthood to have worked out for himself why these words are offensive and not need 'reminding' - you don't accidentally use offensive words repeatedly - he understands they are offensive and upsetting but he is choosing to continue using them.

Also if he has different political views from you, t suggests his outlook on life is very different to yours - that his fundamental belief system is different from yours.

Both of these things you have mentioned would be a deal breaker for me. He's a new boyfriend, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period and you are already finding out things about the way he thinks and behaves that you don't like. Ditch him - he won;t change and you'll just get more upset and fed up with him.

We're both in our early 20s so he has no excuse really. Aside from anything the word spaz is really outdated so I was surprised to hear him come out with it at all.

His political views do not (imo) represent any tolerance or compassion towards disabled people and I feel that his continued use of such words highlights this

Your gut feeling is trying to tell you something, so listen to it. Other people might overlook this but there’s a tiny voice telling you that this behavior is a dealbreaker for YOU, so I would reconsider my relationship with him if I were you.

You are young, you’re not married/have kids with him so it should be a relatively easy breakup.

End it now. He will get worse and more extreme in his views as he ages and by then your lives will be too entwined to ditch him. First you will ignore his comments and eventually you will find you begin to agree with him just to avoid constant arguments. (Yes I'm speaking from personal experience!)

Sounds like you're not compatible. I wouldn't be compatible with a grown man using offensive words like that. He sounds like a fucking prince 🤨

My fairly new boyfriend referred to someone we know as a 'spaz

That was primarily what put me off someone I was developing feelings for earlier this year. I thought, I really couldn’t have sex with a man who casually refers to people he doesn’t like as ‘spastics’ and ‘retards’.

I have very mild CP (non-spastic variety) but that was irrelevant here. It’s just 🤮.

Sounds like he's simply an immature twat. Just end it.

Move on.

Totally different values and vile, outdated disablist language. Both deal breakers.

I had an ex like this. Very different political views/values and he often said derogatory things about gay people. Got rid of him and never looked back

Get rid. His language is very telling.... you've mentioned it to him, it's not changed. Mutual or at least comparable values /politics are really important for compatibility. He's either immature or not very nice or both... either way sounds like he's not your type. Good luck with the next one!

How does he treat other people? Personally I would find this much more of a deal-breaker than his choice of language. If he's kind, polite and respectful (the type that's courteous to service-industry workers) then I would personally overlook the use of certain words provided their not used deliberately maliciously or to cause offence.

Totally upto you though, if you think the you're incompatible for any reason and it's sufficient to call it a day then do just that.

I think it's immaturity more than anything. He's actually very respectful to staff and tolerant in other ways (never said anything homophobic/racist etc - he's mixed race) but I think it's the sort of language used by his school friends.

He was privately educated and (obviously not the case for everyone or even the majority, this is just my theory) I think this language is more acceptable amongst his circle, maybe because less disabled people go to private schools? I've heard his school friends say retard so it seems to be the done thing.

He is apologetic when he says these things and he hasn't called anything retarded in a while. But I'm sure he would continue saying these things if I hadn't been pulling him up.

The immaturity annoys me as he's actually older than me and I've managed to learn not to use offensive and derogatory language. I don't have to try really hard not to let slurs "slip" out, I just don't do it.

Ugh

I use the word retard a lot. One of my colleagues has a cat called that

You know that’s not actually something to be proud of, right?