To consider ending my relationship over this?

[Bananablueberry]

My fairly new boyfriend referred to someone we know as a 'spaz'. They don't have any form of learning difficulties and it was said as a joke rather than maliciously but it's still absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances.

I've heard him refer to people/things as 'retards'/'retarded' on a few different occasions before, in similar contexts.

I've always pulled him up on it, every time, so he knows how I feel about it but this time it no longer feels like "an accident" or something that "slips out" as he claims. We have very different political views as I'm slowly beginning to discover and I feel like this is a big representation of this

Am I overreacting massively?

Habits can be difficult to break OP, if he's making an effort then keep pulling him up on it until he's broken it. He's been around (shitty) people who think those words are acceptable and nobody seems to have pulled him up on it before. That speaks volumes about his friends really doesn't it! Still, he's apologetic, if he's making an effort then he's surely to start showing progress soon.

Whether or not you like him enough to stay with him is entirely up to you. You don't need a reason to leave a relationship. Immaturity would bother me as well. You're in your early 20s, you shouldn't need to 'settle'. Best of luck to you!

@FabbyChix well then both you and your colleague are totally inappropriate. Just why would you do that and be proud of it! Grim!!

@Bananablueberry

All other things being equal is there any mileage in having a very deep and meaningful discussion to educate him about this.

The sad thing is that after all these years there are still some people who consider such things as acceptable

Big yikes @FabbyChix. Why on earth would you be so blase about using discriminatory language

It would be a hard pass from me OP. Not interested in dating the bigoted.

I use the word retard a lot. One of my colleagues has a cat called that

Aren't you embarrassed to admit that?

OP, dump him. He's not the one for you. Your differences will cause bigger problems further down the line. He's a new b/f, so it's easier to end it now than it will be later.

Don't ignore the red flags.

Agree with damn the man.
Habits can be very hard to break if you’ve been in a toxic environment where you had to use offensive language to fit in. It would have been more pressure on him being mixed race too.
It depends if you are willing to wait for him to mature and erase the habit from his life or not. PEople are works in progress. You will never meet a person in their twenties who has achieved perfection.

Part of a good relationship is helping each other become the best person they can be. You never start from the finish line.

Yanbu get rid! As a mother of a sen child it really rubs salt in to the wound hearing horrible phrases like this. I'd refer to your ex as penis from now on

Unless he can very quickly realise that what was totes acceptable japes 🙄 in his privileged school background is not remotely ok now, then I'd move on.

if he isn’t otherwise nasty or uses derogatory slang I’d tell him the word upsets you & is offensive & ask why he uses it.

just thinking of my brother who still uses the 90s term “gay” - he sees it as meaning happy, homosexual & also to refer to something as dumb/silly/stupid/lame etc.

People say “that’s mental” or “that’s crazy” or “the weather is so bipolar today” and terms for mental illness are still used.

I actually think spaz & retard are those retro words that are sometimes said in jest, in an ironic sort of way.

This isn’t a great response, what am trying to say is yes he used an offensive term. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean he thinks ugly thoughts about non neurotypical people. Some words you just used growing up & can slip into your language as an adult.

It’s like how my dad still refers to gay people as “poofs” and I keep reminding him you can’t say that word now! Folks also have a foot stool called “the poof” and it is just its name to me. Would still call it that and am not sure why it was given that name. As far as am aware it has nothing to do with being a homosexual slur. It just is.

Maybe this is an opportunity to create a dialogue with him about it. Possibly it’s not a term he has thought about in great depth but it doesn’t mean he is a without question a hateful person. I would talk to him about it. If he loves you & is a good person he will take it on board.

@prawnsword - Agree 100%

If he is over 16 then it is something that

Folks also have a foot stool called “the poof” and it is just its name to me. Would still call it that and am not sure why it was given that name. As far as am aware it has nothing to do with being a homosexual slur. It just is.

I don't know how it got it's name, but it's spelt "pouffe" (there might be an extra e on the end, and an accent over the first e). We called them pouffays (that's how we pronounced it) but it often got shortened to "poof". So, nothing to do with homosexuals.

Pouf is derived from the French word bouffer which means to puff. A pouffe is a low footstool or ottoman. It is also derived from the French word bouffer.

FabbyChix Retard is an awful word. If you move in circles whereby your friends call their pets by this name, then that's simply not funny. My Sister had severe Downs Syndrome. She was called a Spastik, a retard, mentally and physically handicapped etc. My Mum was repeatedly asked what she did wrong in her pregnancy. This was in the 70's. The answer is Nothing. It was wrong then. Ignorance was the excuse. It's utterly disgusting to make a comment like that in 2019. Let alone feel it's actually funny. Disgusting.

Oh and I've reported your post @FabbyChix
Shockingly disgraceful.

Thanks @iklboo. I had a feeling it did have another e!

referred to someone we know as a 'spaz'. They don't have any form of learning difficulties

Surely "spaz" is a nasty, insulting word for people with physical disabilities, not learning disabilities.