to be upset but mainly sad to have no mummy friends

[anonymouslady]

I basically have no mummy friends. Well, I mean, I have some friends who have kids, but their kids are all older than mine (by quite a way).

Have 1 DC aged 14 months. Joined NCT before birth and there were 8 couples in it. 4 of the girls started hanging round together doing their own thing (but with a set of girls from another NCT) but not inviting the remaining 4 of us.

They constantly post pictures of themselves on FB either on mum's nights out or having playdates with things like "we are so awesome", "we are the awesome mums" etc etc.

And it makes me sad. As I just feel like my little one hasn't got any little play friends their own age and won't have going forwards. I've tried making an effort with these girls previously but it's clear my face doesn't fit. I do see my other friends who have older kids, though not that often as we all work different days/hours etc and it's quite difficult on weekends as their kids tend to have activities then there's obviously a need for family time.

I made the effort to go to the usual classes like baby sensory etc when DC was younger and am changing my hours again in a few weeks so should be able to go to some more classes but worried these girls will be there and it might make me go a bit into my shell.

I do have friends who are good friends who don't have kids (and are not going to do so) and see them which is fabulous, but I would really like to meet some mummy friends for my DC, rather than me.

I am rambling a bit and not sure what I'm saying but I guess I'm hoping it might get easier when DC goes to school?! Or will there be the same at the school gates, me being excluded as face doesn't fit?? I just don't want my DC to be affected.

Sorry for the rambling pathetic post - seems a bit silly when I write it down but feels a bit bleak out there!

I feel for you, OP, it can be hard making mum friends. Have you tried apps like Mush? Did you get not on with the other 3 from your NCT group?

Count yourself lucky you’re not friends with those tools. Who posts stuff like that!?
Your child isn’t missing out, in fact I ended up being friends with people I liked from Nct and or kids aren’t fussed on each other so it doesn’t always work that way.

They constantly post pictures of themselves on FB either on mum's nights out or having playdates with things like "we are so awesome", "we are the awesome mums" etc

Who does that really. I mean, they sound like twats.

I found the baby days really hard and didn’t really make mum friends until my DC went to school. Now I have a great bunch. Keep seeing the friends you already have and try different classes and see what happens. I tried apps like Mush but found them to be a waste of time. Some people seem to like them though.

Have you got a local mums fb group?

My nct group were similar and in normal life it wouldn’t have bothered me as tbh I didn’t really gel with any of them but it felt awful at the time.

We had a few forays into friendship at nursery but it was all a bit hit and miss. I felt like I was never going to have real mum friends. I worked full time which didn’t help either.

I can honestly say that have made some of my best friends since DD1 started school last year and she only wants to see her school friends now so it’s great. I can’t even remember those days.

Hang on in there 😊

Hi there! Have you tried an app called Peanut? I have a friend who has successfully met a couple of mums in her area through that and now sees them regularly.

I think trying to get to more classes sounds like a great idea. Don’t let the possibility of those ladies being there put you off and remember that what people like to portray on social media is often very different from reality.

You sound like a lovely person, don’t be afraid to suggest a coffee after a playgroup. You never know, the person you ask might be feeling the exact same way. And try not to be too hard on yourself! You’re doing a great job!

Go to everything you can with your baby on days you’re not at work. At 2 and a half my daughter sees about 4 of the same children at least 2-3 times a week as they all have mums who go to everything local! Luckily, I get in really well with the mums too. Also, do you have a Facebook group for your town for the year your little one was born? I do, and there are often meet ups arranged through that.

Sorry you are upset OP. They sound awful so you're well out of it. They'll probably all fall out when their kids start arguing with each other.

The groups sound like a good idea. Are you on Facebook? You could have a search for a local mums group - the ones round here have regular meet ups. There will be plenty of opportunities later on for your DC to socialise at nursery, pre school or wherever, you may even make a friend at pick up so try not to worry

I agree with trying the app Peanut- when mine were babies I met mum's through the meet a mum section on netmums, Peanut is similar to this. I recently joined it and there are loads of mum's with young babies and children looking to meet other mums.

What about the other three couples in your NCT group?

This happened to me! I do have one friend from pregnancy yoga, and another from baby sensory- and that’s it.

Is your little one in a childcare setting? I’ve found that now DS is older (just turned 3), we have play dates with nursery friends quite often.

Unfollow the people who make you feel shit, you don’t need that in your life.

I found it does get easier when they start nursery or school, I’ve made a couple of mum friends from children that DD likes at nursery, and then suggested play dates. I still wouldn’t take photos with these women and stick them all over social media though, we’re just casual friends rather than ‘awesome mums’ (cringe! As if they write that stuff!)

Be brave. A few weeks ago I chatted to a nice lady at a soft play place. She asked me for my number and have been for a few buggy walks. New friends can be made quickly if you’re willing to stick your neck out and ask people. Good luck!

I'm in touch with a few from when dd's were babies but playgroup friends often end up going to different nurseries or schools so friendships tend to fizzle out.

My three main Mum friends were made at nursery and primary school, I got to know them by going to the same kids parties and chatting on the school run, seeing them twice a day even for a few minutes made it easier to get to know them than a baby group.

My DS is two. I have no mum friends. In fact I have no friends full stop. I’m totally over it, there’s no point being upset because nobody wants to be my friend. I’m sure DS will make his own friends when he goes to school.

"We are so awesome", "we are the awesome mums" Why would you even want to be friends with these ninnies?… why can’t you just have normal friends instead of “mum friends”? Or be “mum friends” with the other 3 women?

Oh, and I second unfollowing- I’ve deleted all of the nasty Mums from our NCT group

Hi. Thanks for all the replies! Made me feel a little less alone, but so sorry to others who have experienced/are experiencing this too!

Yes, got on with the other 3 and we do meet up, but it's not regularly - it's maybe once a quarter for about an hour! We had a night out without babies too, once, but I'm not sure we're all that compatible as it felt a bit forced (i.e. not saying from my end but think we were all trying to cling to one another as we had been the misfits from the original NCT group if you know what I mean!). Plus we all work different days too.

I've not tried apps but sounds like a good suggestion! And there is a lady I see in the supermarket every week (though my day off is changing soon!) and we made conversation in the queue last week as her little one (slightly older) started talking to my little one. So maybe I'll bump into her again.

Yes, they do actually write this. And I've unfollowed, but can't help but torture myself every now and again by reading their updates! But have to stop doing this as it makes me very sad. I did feel like NCT was a bit Mean Girls with Prams!

I really am hoping it gets better by school age. But thank you for the suggestions and I will just try and hang in there. Was going to go to soft play with DC today but just felt was going to bump into those girls so avoided it - which isn't good for DC!

I have three DCs, the youngest is 6. I've made all my friends who are mums since they started school.
While I'm still in touch with a couple of the women from NCT with my oldest (nearly 12) we don't see each other regularly.
You will find your people.

I haven’t made any proper ‘mum friends’ either bar one. I have done mum friends I get on with but it’s pretty clear we’d never be friends if it weren’t for our children and I expect to drift apart over time. The reality is that it’s unlikely you’ll have much in common with people you meet through your children.

Sorry you are sad OP. It can be a lonely time at first as a mum. I remember being at NCT classes longing to make friends of a couple of the women there and being ignored. Some years later I did get to know these women - and found they were not people I would want to mix with at all. You may well be swerving a few bullets.

Honestly don't worry on behalf of your little one. Children don't actually care about others the same age until quite a bit older, boys especially. It's a load of balls when people talk about their 18m old having "friends" at nursery, and the sort of terminology childcare workers use to reinforce the idea that your child enjoys/benefits being one of many children in their care (The reality is most young children prefer adult attention!).

From about 2.5 onwards you will see them play alongside other children, but it's not until most are 3 and older that they will truly play "with" another child the same age.

If your child goes to childcare or playgroups they will have plenty of opportunity to develop socially with their peers. NCT friendships often don't last that long as people aren't sending their kids to the same school.

Sorry to pry OP but you say twice that your "face doesn't fit". Why do you say this in particular? You sound rather lacking in confidence, especially regarding your appearance. Love yourself and others will. Those who exclude based on appearance won't be worth being friends with any way.

Get off their Facebook for a start and you'll feel better

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland - yes I think I do have confidence issues and especially about my appearance. Maybe I’m giving off vibes I don’t mean to or something, which probably doesn’t help!

If it is all for your child, then I wouldnt worry about it. My DC are 4 and 5 and they never really played much with my friends kids even though they are the same age. They would usually play the same with anyone and didnt show particular interest in the kids they saw more often. Now that they are in kindy they made their own friends. The 5 year old just told me i cant inv my best friends kid to his birthday party because he only wants kindy friends over, even though they grew up together seeing each other every week since birth..
I dont know any school mums personally, because we dont have anything in common, but my kids have plenty of playdates that they organise themselves. Well they tell me they want to have someone over and i organise it at the next drop off.

Thanks and yes, it’s mainly about DC so good to know they don’t really have “friends” as such at this age. I guess it’s also selfishly a bit about me too - I’d like to have some friends I could hang out with with DC when I have a day off, rather than just taking DC to shops/park by self.

Being a third time around mum, there's a big gap, has been the loneliest time of my life. I actually had more mum friends as a single parent. I do worry about my son too but he's just started nursery and has friends everywhere, so don't worry on that score.
I still seem to repel everyone but at least he's blissfully unaware of my pariah state. I do often look around with ever so slightly envious eyes when out with my son at all the groups or twos of mums and children.