to be upset but mainly sad to have no mummy friends

[anonymouslady]

I basically have no mummy friends. Well, I mean, I have some friends who have kids, but their kids are all older than mine (by quite a way).

Have 1 DC aged 14 months. Joined NCT before birth and there were 8 couples in it. 4 of the girls started hanging round together doing their own thing (but with a set of girls from another NCT) but not inviting the remaining 4 of us.

They constantly post pictures of themselves on FB either on mum's nights out or having playdates with things like "we are so awesome", "we are the awesome mums" etc etc.

And it makes me sad. As I just feel like my little one hasn't got any little play friends their own age and won't have going forwards. I've tried making an effort with these girls previously but it's clear my face doesn't fit. I do see my other friends who have older kids, though not that often as we all work different days/hours etc and it's quite difficult on weekends as their kids tend to have activities then there's obviously a need for family time.

I made the effort to go to the usual classes like baby sensory etc when DC was younger and am changing my hours again in a few weeks so should be able to go to some more classes but worried these girls will be there and it might make me go a bit into my shell.

I do have friends who are good friends who don't have kids (and are not going to do so) and see them which is fabulous, but I would really like to meet some mummy friends for my DC, rather than me.

I am rambling a bit and not sure what I'm saying but I guess I'm hoping it might get easier when DC goes to school?! Or will there be the same at the school gates, me being excluded as face doesn't fit?? I just don't want my DC to be affected.

Sorry for the rambling pathetic post - seems a bit silly when I write it down but feels a bit bleak out there!

Try and foster friendships based on actual things in common, hobbies, activities etc.

As your little one gets older things like joining a PTA or the committee of a preschool can often being you within a natural group, although getting involved in either of these things can be very political and simply a pain in the arse.

Delete and block them. They’re probably just sat there on their phones the whole time ignoring their kids! And if you want an extra boost, delete your social media apps!
Your child does not need lots of socialisation at that young age and play dates are usually a nightmare.

It can be so hard. I only really got on with one of the mums from NCT, and we do see each other every few weeks, but she is soon to have DC2 so I'm sure that will stop, at least for a bit.
But I actually just recently (DD IS 22months) made 2 new friends, that I had met in the early days at a class, but didn't exchange numbers, and then bumped into at the library (on different occasions), realised they most likely were my 'people' and made the jump to ask for numbers (very unlike me, normally pretty shy). And have been seeing them weekly the last few weeks.
I think you just have to hang in there, keep trying to go to different classes etc, and eventually you'll meet some people you actually get on with 🤷‍♀️
I do realise I've been quite lucky and am grateful that fate stepped in with putting us in the library at the same time

I would go to as many baby groups as you can and shamelessly start up conversations with lots and lots of other mums. Good staters are: How old is your little one? How old is yours? Which one is yours? Do you go to any other baby groups? Which ones are good? Have you been here before? Have you got any other kids? It really doesn't matter what you say, just try to strike up conversations. Just smile, be cheerful and interested in them and you won't come across as needy. Even if 50% of the conversations fall flat, you're bound to eventually find some people you like and click with. I suspect about half the people attending baby groups feel exactly the same way as you. People will like it if you are friendly towards them.

Ridingthegravytrain Mon 25-Nov-19 16:49:56
Count yourself lucky you’re not friends with those tools. Who posts stuff like that!?

TheHootiestOwl Mon 25-Nov-19 16:56:20
They constantly post pictures of themselves on FB either on mum's nights out or having playdates with things like "we are so awesome", "we are the awesome mums" etc

Who does that really. I mean, they sound like twats.
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What the above posters said!

I'd have hated any sort of group like that. I had a few friends who were parents, also colleagues and we socialised but didn't talk 'babies and children' all the time.

You'll probably make a couple of friends, as will your daughter, when she starts school but don't be anxious about it, let things happen naturally; it's not too bad if they don't happen at all but your daughter will make friends.

People you meet at work are generally far more interesting, even those who have young children.

@Neolara thank you - some good suggestions there as to how to strike up a conversation. I definitely feel it’s a confidence thing (at least in part) and I guess sort of a vicious circle! My confidence has been damaged by feeling excluded which in turn makes me less confident and pushes me back into my shell which then means I struggle to chat to people again!

I’m nearly 33 weeks and this is my biggest fear I hope you find some mummy friends soon OP, and even if you don’t just know as long as you and your family are happy and healthy together than you’re smashing it! Don’t let anyone make you feel anything less than your worth

When I had DS, I joined a class and met 6 other mums. I was so thrilled that I thought I had found mum friends for life. Mat leave was fine, then they all went back to work while I was a SAHM. Slowly, contact dwindled and despite my best efforts at keeping in touch and trying to arrange play dates, I now barely see any of them, especially as I now work full time.

I moved house 18 months ago and joined a local toddler group. I met another 4 mums and they have become better friends. We all work but everyone makes the effort to keep up and it's far better.

Maybe try something local like that rather than a paid for class.

Aww you sound lovely. I have felt the same as yourself but my DS is 2 now so with working, life etc it has taken my mind off not having many friends. Could you put your child into nursery for a morning/afternoon if you are worried about them socialising. Regarding yourself I think sometimes if you are shy and listen rather than get involved straight away people see this as a disadvantage and you do get excluded. My face definitely didn't fit but I'm starting to learn thats ok. I would love to do play dates more with my DS but everyone has commitments and their own life's. Everything will fall into place and you sound like your doing amazing wanting the best for your child.

I found that local toddler groups in the church hall/ community centres etc were the best places for me to make friends. It takes a little while and it feels like everyone has known each other all their lives but they haven't. Just keep going and you'll get to know everyone.

@SexlessBoulderBelly - please don’t worry about it, I am sure you’ll be absolutely fine. Good luck with the next few weeks!

Thanks everyone and sorry for not replying to all individually. All of your comments are great and appreciated so much.

Persevere with the other 3. You do have something in common - you’re all having your first babies! Don’t give up x

My NCT group all got on fine, and we managed to keep up weekly meetings from pre-birth until the babies were about 11 to 12 months. However, now I'm working part time I've seen a few of them once in 6 weeks, although we have an active Whatsapp. One of the two I like best is working the days I don't!
I think friendships are so transient in the baby years. You may as well try and strike up a conversation but don't take it personally if it doesn't work out! Sometimes circumstances change - mine have in that I don't always want to commit as I get 2 days off and one of those requires exciting things like appointments and errands.

Dont worry if it takes you time to find your mum friends. You will - but it may not be until your kids are at school or even later! Once my kids were in later primary I had worked out the ones who arent interested in playground politics tend to be quieter, and you have to seek them out. They tend to be awesome! You'll get there, dont give yourself a time limit.

My Nct group was the same they actually have a WhatsApp group called the ‘in crowd’ sad fuckers.
You’ll make friends if you keep at it- it gets easier as your children get older and make friends themselves and you can chat more to others (and supervise less).

I'm like this. I say hello but and get hellos, but that's it. I can't seem to be interesting enough to chat to regularly and I can't think what to say. I think I probably look a bit rough/ knackered. I certainly don't have nice things, so think people assume I'm a bit poor. I always look like the dog walker ( we do have a dog and I'm certainly not loaded as a SAHM) I wonder if this is my issue?
Also people like to stick with others that reinforce their decisions, like going back to work full time or part time/ bottle feeding/ controlled crying. If you give off vibes your doing something different they don't want to know.

A load of us swapped numbers after attending an activity for a year, then I tried to organise a meet up. Only 2 came, and we went out just once, but I wasn't feeling it and I don't think they were. I've seen one of them about and say hello, but no further messages from either side. I can't even say why. It's just different locations, one had two kids which is more problematic v one. The other was only off Mondays and was vv posh and intelligent. They probably feel the same. I don't think having kids the same age always makes you compatible.

I used to feel like this. I have twins and was desperate to find twin mum friends. It made me look a bit desperate if I'm honest and it's a turn off for a lot of people. Don't focus so much on making mum friends just carry on going to things, chat and eventually you'll find your gang. These women aren't living their best life on facebook you know , they probably all have to fit in with a gang leader of some sort 🙄.

It sounds like you had an unusually young NCT group (round here it's usually older mothers, not those who are young enough to stil, be called titres themselves)

This will all change at the school gates, as there will be a much wider range of ages and types at school.

You may or may not make closer acquaintances there, or even friends, but it is an excellent time for a fresh start. It would help if you are th friendly person, who chats at the school gates and suggests play dates and events.

And people may or may not respond. But that's not because of you IYSWIM, it's their choice and you'll never quite know what's going on with them, nor why they might be friendly or remote.

If that seems daunting, then is there anything you can do before DC starts school to meet people. Not necessarily people with DC the same age as yours, but anyone who you might like, or with whom you might have something in common. It's the old advice of 'take a class/sing in a choir/join a club' which has become somewhat trite, but is trotted out because it's still useful

Your LO doesn't need friends as they are too young.

You may need company when you are on your days off but to be fair any adult you get on with and has time will give it to you.

If myself or mainly my DP is looking after our LO, the people we mainly see are OAPs. They are so happy to have a toddler around, have time and thankfully don't just talk about children.

Sorry to pry OP but you say twice that your "face doesn't fit". Why do you say this in particular? You sound rather lacking in confidence, especially regarding your appearance.
It's just a turn of phrase, OP doesn't literally mean there is something wrong with her face. It usually means that you just don't fit in or can't find a a place in a particular group (usually a work place).

OP many people don't do NCT but still have mum friends. Do you take your LO to play groups or toddler groups? I find they're better for meeting people than classes like baby sensory, because there is less for the parents to do and therefore more time to chat.

Don't worry about your DS not having friends, they really dont at that age. My DD is 2 and a half. She doesn't really have friends yet, just children she recognises and plays near. If he is in childcare of some sort he will meet other children there.

Aw OP, I've been there. Made one really good friend when I had my first but we moved at about 6months and although I met new mums in my new area I just didn't click with anyone. Everyone was nice, we just either had nothing in common or clashing schedules.
It used to get me down and I really thought it was me. It does take me awhile to get to know new people and I never seem to be able to force friendships.
I switched the focus and met some new people via two local hobby groups that I attend. Some are mums, some aren't but it has helped my confidence. Since then I've been chatting more in the playground and to the mums who live on my road. I've just had a second baby and by complete chance I've met two lovely mums that I really get on with. So it can happen.
Fill your days off with fun activities for you and your child, enjoy the quality time together and hopefully friendships will follow naturally.

I find it impossible to make friends in groups, but did make 1 good friend from the app Mush. One on one suits better for me and we now try to meet up most weeks. I was so nervous initially asking her to meet up but I was so lonely I had to try.

Yes, got on with the other 3 and we do meet up, but it's not regularly - it's maybe once a quarter for about an hour! We had a night out without babies too, once, but I'm not sure we're all that compatible as it felt a bit forced (i.e. not saying from my end but think we were all trying to cling to one another as we had been the misfits from the original NCT group if you know what I mean!). Plus we all work different days too.

The thing is, if you're not that bothered to meet up with three who literally ARE available as 'mummy friends' then why should the group of four be concerned about including you if they feel it would be 'forced'.

In the nicest way possible, I don't think you'd be remotely concerned about any left out people if you were 'in' with the others.

You need to stop thinking of it as 'mummy friends' and just as 'friends'.

(from my perspective, being expected to socialise with people whose only starting point for similarity is going through the same life event at roughly the same time is galling)