To expect my children to get up and go to school?

[staceyflack]

How do other people get their kids off to school in the morning, on time without lots of aggro? My children 12 & 14 are so bloody resistent, it's a daily battle that is giving me (and them) huge stress. I feel I've tried everything... kindness, cajoling, shouting, rewards, threats and its still shit. All advise gratefully received. Thanks.

And I find it finny that ppl have a problem with a little cold water yet not with abandoning their child for half of their life in a cesspit of bullying, indoctrination and general suffering

Well, the second is a legal requirement unless you want to homeschool your kids.
OP, give them alarms and make them responsible for getting themselves up, ready and breakfasted and out the door. You may need to heavily supervise this at first, perhaps with lots of lights and noise in the morning.

My 15 and 11yr old get themselves up and sorted. I do help them by setting everything out (even the towel for the shower) the night before. They set their alarms half an hour earlier then mine and they just potter on getting themselves ready, bags packed, breakfast. No nagging, no panic for lack of organising. I also don’t give them a time to go to sleep. They have worked out what time is best to go to sleep themselves so they won’t be tired in the morning. other parents I know struggle in the morning but that is because the children have to sort out their uniforms and are told what time to go to sleep and what time to get up and their house is chaos in mornings. They are independent in other ways and I don’t do everything for them. It is just one less thing for them to worry about and they have time to wake up before the house comes to life.

Get them those gradual daylight alarm clocks and get everything ready the night before

I had the same problem with my 15yo. Eventually I stopped. Every time he's late, he gets detention at school. Not worth it. So he still stays in bed until very last minute, and than rushes to school like crazy. Hasn't been late once.

I must say I would tend to let natural consequences assert themselves! DD (model student) had three late detentions in her first three weeks of yr7. She hasn't had one since!

I always found that a hyper husky jumping all over my dd and bed worked wonders. Dd was usually out of bed about 30-60 seconds after I let ddog in.
I'm happy to loan her to you if needed

Thanks everyone for your varied responses. Some helpful - some, 'ice cold water' frankly horrible! I want to help them not bloody torture them. They usually have lights out about 9pm and no devices in bedroom. I think I've probably done too much for them over the years. Their Dad left 6years ago, and I've been over compensating ever since. It was so awful, a big shock. They live half time with us both and I don't think he has anywhere near as much trouble getting them to school as I do. They both have some anxiety issues, and older one has some health challenges, so it's not without cause. It's just so bloody hard. I should get the sunrise lamp from Amazon... and breath. I think I basically need more rest and support myself!! Thanks again people.. 💐

Hmm, mine are 14 and 16 and I make very little effort to help them get out of the door. They get up at the right time, dress themselves, feed themselves, pack their own bags.

The 14 year old has ADD so I do a few checks with him to make sure he has what he needs but I don't nag or cajole.

I leave it to the school to manage it if they are late eg if they are late more than 5 times they get detentions, then they aren't allowed to do school activities like after-school sports, choir events, music events etc.

I couldn't get up when I was a teen - to the point where I was putting several alarm clocks at different points in my room to make sure I would have to get up to turn them off and not be late. It was that bad, but wasn't a rebellion, just teen need to sleep!

So I do cut some slack to mine - I mean it can be a battle, but we have a schedule, and there's a cut off time when they have to be up by. Threats of throwing cold water have been used, to which one replied that they have a thick duvet and I would be the one stuck with laundry. Not totally untrue

I tend to send the 2 youngest in there, they can be noisy and very annoying.

Teenagers HAVE to sleep but they still have to be on time, so whatever works to get the out of bed. Going back to a "reward chart" with stars can be humiliating enough to force them to make an effort.

I leave it to the school to manage it if they are late
It's not up to the school to parent your kids, up to YOU to teach them to be responsible and be on time in the morning.

I used to have this every morning. I now turn their bedroom lights on when I get out of the shower, so 15 mins before they need to get up. This has worked wonders. They also lose access to the WiFi for the rest of the day if I/we get any grief/backchat before school.

at 14 I didn't see my parents before school. they would stay in bed and I'd be out the house by 7.40. but I was a nerd and the thought of missing the train and being late for school was enough to motivate.

not saying it's great to leave them to it but they could take responsibility for much more.

I would just leave them to be late...a few detentions and i'm sure they'll be on time

Tell them they can choose, in advance, one day to take off each month

Worst idea ever...

And who the hell throws cold water over their child?

At my ds's school, they get after school detention for being late? Don't yours op? It's a pretty good deterrent.

Mine are up at 6.30 and 6.45, to leave at 7.20. Never had an issue with DD who has ASD and anxiety, DS can be grumpy sometimes but generally good. I get up at 6 to sort myself out and packed lunches and then I only have to worry about them.

Chivvying. Lots of chivvying.

The 13 yr old gets up and gets on, the 11 year old is chivvied. All else fails he gets a lift as I drive his sister in due to her asd/hsd.

Alarm set twice - 10 minutes apart. They are expected to get themselves up, showered, dressed, books sorted, have breakfast and make any lunch they want to take. They know what time they need to leave to get the tube. No WiFi before school. If they are late school will issue the detention.

I am home one morning a week, I lock myself in my bedroom and let my two get on with it. I seem to only upset the dynamic when I interfere.

I'm terrible in the morning, as a teenager I used to scream at my mum to leave me alone it doesn't really help raise fully functioning adults but she used to bring me breakfast in bed. I did manage to look after myself when I moved out!

A couple of detentions for repeated lateness, plus being kept behind everyday to make up the time they're missing, tend to have the effect of concentrating their minds and making them more amenable to trying something different.

In addition, waking them at the same time at the weekends, using sunrise alarms and making sure that they have got everything ready (uniforms, bags packed, etc) the night before encourages them to feel tired at the same time each night.

I'd also think about working in threes (or 90 minutes) - even teenagers sleep in roughly 90 minute cycles, so it might be that you're trying to wake them right in their deepest sleep; for example, if they normally sleep by 12 and struggle to get up at 7, wake them at 6 when they are more likely to be in light sleep. After a few days, they're likely to start going to sleep earlier - or at least coping with the 6am start better than the 7am one. If you feel particularly kind, you could then adjust the 6am Saturday and Sunday wakeup to 7.30am, thus giving them an extra sleep cycle.

I didn't realise that my sleep cycles are so fixed, thanks to chronic insomnia. Turns out that getting up early is way better for me than staying asleep and having to drag myself out of bed to stagger around looking for things. Which is why I now start work so early - I thought a later start would be better, but it really isn't; if I don't sleep, as long as I have a multiple of 3 hours or 90 minutes, I'm fine, but I usually go to sleep three hours earlier than what was, until this year, the earliest I would ever go to sleep.

Other than that, no TV at all in the morning if they like doing that (or if you do) and no phones until they're out the door. Less distraction from what they are supposed to be doing that way.

@Stressedout10
We use a spaniel with the same results. It's her favourite 'job'!

staceyflack From your update it's clear you know yourself that they don't get up because they don't feel it's their responsibility, you've taken such good care of them that they haven't taken over responsibility at your house, but probably have at their dads..

I have a 12 and 14 year old and had to leave them to get themselves to school this morning as I had to leave at 6:15am with their younger sibling to drive him to an 8am hospital appointment 80km away (we only just made it on time). My older children managed fine and were at the bus stop early apparently.

On a normal day I knock in each child's door and turn their lights on, then have my shower and get dressed (10 minutes total) then go back and tell them it's time to actually get up, and at this point if DD wants a shower she goes into the bathroom, then I brush my hair and put my contacts in and read for 5 minutes, then double check they're each at least sitting on the edge of the bed and warn them I'm going downstairs for coffee - all 3 appear downstairs fully dressed within 10 minutes of me going downstairs.

Older 2 leave for their bus 10 minutes after that, 8 year old finishes breakfast more slowly reads to me then goes for his bus which leaves 20 minutes after the secondary school one.

They can do it, most of it is that you have to expect them to and make it their responsibility. This is obviously easier said than done, but works a million times better than punishments, because punishments acknowledge that they are only doing what you tell you for fear of punishment, instead of taking responsibility for their own school lives because they are no longer 5 years old...

The lamps sound like a good idea too.

Stricter bed times and no screens in their rooms. They need more sleep. They still might be grumpy teenagers about it, but it'll definitely be easier.

Also, stop making it your responsibility. It needs to be them taking charge of what needs to be done when. They're plenty old enough for that.

I say to mine that unless they won't to go in their pjs then they best hurry up as they are going whether dressed or not. My children know i don't make empty threats.

Give them responsibility for being ready.
Tell them the problem, ask them to come up with a solution you think is workable.

If they don't, use your own solution. Explain the new system to them, tell them why a new system is needed, let them ask about it.

In my house it worked like this
If they are not ready on time in the morning, without your help, then that evening they go to bed/turn off gadgets 15mins earlier.
Next day same again, so 30mins earlier in total.
It builds up until they are ready on time. Then they can earn a later bedtime by being consistently ready on time.