MIL Christmas visit

[eggofmantumbi]

I need to ask if IABU because I'm feeling totally rubbish after an argument with husband last night & part of me feels awful, but the other part thinks I am justified.

Early December last year my FIL passed away. They live abroad and I couldn't get to the funeral with a toddler in tow, so DH went and MIL came back with him. She stayed with us until the end of January, except Christmas week, which she spent with her other son and his wife/ child, as we had already organised to spend time with my parents.
Fast forward a year and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I have a medical condition which really impacts my pregnancy and means food has to be tightly regulated. Understandably MIL doesn't understand this, as it's quite complex, but she LOVES cooking.
She was due to be arriving to us about a week before Christmas- she's now coming a week sooner. I had assumed that she'd be leaving around the end of Jan again, but it's been decided now that she'll stay into Feb.
I won't be allowed to carry my baby to term and have more chances of various problems, so this feels a bit closer to die date for me.
Our argument yesterday was because i'd asked DH about what the arrangements were and he told me it'd be Feb. I just want a clearer date really, and would've liked consulting on it going into Feb, but I'm ending up feeling guilty for asking, because she's bereaved & he's worried about her.

She's a lovely lady, but she does get a bit much sometimes. She likes things her own way and treats DH and I like children, so it does get annoying after extended periods of time. I know I need to chill out about that but it's hard when it's a bit undefined.

Christ that's long. AIBU to want a clearer idea of when she'll be leaving? AIBU to be a bit concerned about the length of her stay?

It's perfectly reasonable to want a clearly defined length of stay, especially in those circumstances. Your husband needs to ask her when her flights are booked, and if she hasn't booked yet, explain that because of your pregnancy, due date, and potential complications, it is important that you are able to make plans for that time of year. He can suggest a leaving date to her and ask her to confirm when she has booked a flight.

Take a deep breath OP, you sound very overwhelmed ( understandably )

End of Jan going into Feb is neither nor there really. Could you cut the visit to mid Jan?

I don’t understand the food issue, are you worried she won’t abide to your strict rules regarding your diet?

Exactly what Bridgetreilly said .

Why did you argue? What is your husband's point of view? Can you try o make him see what it would be like if his MIL came for two months??

Is it possible for her to split the time here between you and her other son? That is a long time to have a house guest.

Will your DH be around much of that time. Will you be expected to entertain her?

He says he doesn't have a problem with anyone staying for any length of time and can't understand what I'm worried about (that was part of the argument). The other part of the argument was because I said I had assumed as previously discussed we were looking at end of January and that is like to have been consulted about lengthening it.

Food wise, it's more that she gets upset that I don't eat her meals and I feel bad for not eating it or picking bits out!

@ineedaholidaynow the other brother now has a 1 yr old and they live in a small flat, so she feels to cramped there. We have a spare bedroom for her, so makes it easier.

Bloody hell! I would be saying she needs to be gone 1st week or Jan.

I hope DH is doing all the work for MIL not you?

How many weeks is she staying?

3 days is my cut off for house guests!

Well he's not the one compromising his health to bring his child into the world is he?

What a selfish narrow minded prick.

Can you ask him when he plans to give you a fraction of the care and consideration he is pouring into his mother.

Yes she is widowed. And that is awful. But that doesn't mean vacancy has opened for him to become her surrogate husband. She is an adult woman. She needs to now learn to live independently. She needs to learn her new normal.

Well, for a start, you need to really reinforce the need to cook to your diet. Can you get leaflets about your condition to give her? Because obviously you want her to do a lot of the cooking while she’s there.

I think you do need to get a firm departure date at the very least. Can you go to stay with your parents for some of the time?

Does she help out much? You may be thankful for the help with your young one while heavily pregnant

He says he doesn't have a problem with anyone staying for any length of time and can't understand what I'm worried about

Charming.
Beause it doesn't bother HIM, it doesn't occur to him that anyone else might feel differently. When informed that they do, he doesn't care, & instructs you to change your feelings to suit his.

I wonder which of you will be facilitating this long visit? You know - shopping, cleaning, bed-making, entertaining ..? Yeah, what a surprise - not him.

If you have to, get your obstetrician involved as you know the situation in relation to this pregnancy and you can have someone medical telling your DH that having his mother to stay for 8 weeks or longer is not helping your medical conditions and he needs to shorten his mothers visit.
Alternatively, can you find a local flat that does short term lettings (for business people for example) that you could get your MiL to stay in? Suggest that to your DH. MiL is welcome to visit but she must stay in these lovely flats that are available at X amount. We can have her to stay from X date to Y date and after that, when the baby is born I must insist that she move to these flats, or I move to my mother with the baby.

I really don't understand these blokes who can't see that having their mothers rock up to stay for weeks on end isn't likely to ruffle the feathers of their wives/partners.

Ladies, you've made me feel much better just knowing I'm not being totally unreasonable.
Sadly she's not great with toddler. She doesn't really spend time with her when we do see her (prefers cooking!)
I won't have to entertain as such, but yes, I 'run the house' so that all comes from me.

I need to tackle this again with DH, but need to think through what I want to say. He's great at jumping on semantics/ my emotion and then I just end up guiltily apologising.

@watchyamacallit

Your last paragraph is basically how I feel - but my feeling of being unreasonable I guess is from her back story and the fact she's a nice person (when I read some mil stories on here I feel lucky!)
About 5 days is my maximum when my own parents before I get grumpy and they are 2 of my favourite people in the world- 2 of my best friends!

Why is he even arguing with you when you're carrying a high-risk pregnancy? I'm not sure I've got anything helpful to say but I AM angry on your behalf OP. You saying this is too much for you should be enough.

When you talk to DH use I statements, its difficult for him to argue with what you are feeling. Also dont use absolute statements, so some of the time, not every time. Again its harder to argue against.

Then a few key phrases ...

thats not the issue. If he tries to morph your point to something else that suits him better

I dont feel you are listening to me DH and that is upsetting as I want us to understand each other.

And then please be very clear about your pregnancy risks. Be clear with him that he will be doing the extra washing shopping hoovering amd running around while his Mum is visiting and if her stay is extended then that work for him is extended too. Is he just goijg to leave her at home all day in Jan while you are both at work? I would be suggesting that it isnt very welcoming of him and he should take some holiday to be with her... if he is working and you are on medical leave then make it clear that you wont be entertaining his mother 5 days a week while he is away. Finish up with asking him how he would feel if you were suggesting this plan with your mother coming to stay while he was suffering from acute IBS and high blood pressure (or some other illness that you can approximate to your pregnancy complications)

Is it a cultural thing with your DH? Where living with in-laws is common? In which case it will be harder to get him to see your point of view.

Of course he doesn’t have a problem with anyone staying. He gets to fuck it to work and leaves the running of the house to you. He’s a Lilly liveried selfish prick and you need to find your courage and stand up for yourself.

Tell him your mum is moving in the help with the new baby in February and will be leaving in April, maybe May or early June?

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Your husband sounds like a bully.

Having someone to stay for a couple of months is huge.

Why have you so little say about a visitor to your home.

I repeat, your husband sounds like a bully, who minimises what you say.

Does he gaslight and twist things in arguments.

You sound very vulnerable with this pregnancy.

I think you need to get support.

Could you go and stay with your parents?

It seems your needs are last at this difficult time.

💐

Have you tried to explain your dietary restrictions to your MIL? Not just what you cannot eat but why? She may not understand now, but does that mean she is incapable of understanding?

Seems to me that this nice lady has lost her husband and your DH is conscious of that. That is a good thing really.

Could she not go for a week to DH brother? May be cramped but it would give you a break.

I am more of the opinion that sometimes we need to suck these things up to support and help family.

Give your dh a deadline - she must be gone by 3 February or whatever. Sorted.

Thanks again everyone.
@Yarboosucks I'm of that opinion too and do feel like I can it up to some extent, but I'd at least like DH to say thank you for accepting a long stay and discuss it with me if it's getting lengthened.

He'll be going back to work end of Jan sometime. He works in higher education so they're on holidays most of the rest of the time.
We're at my parents for at least 5 days over New year ( I'm trying to make that stay as long as possible, but my brother's wife is having twins on NYE so don't want them to feel burdened by us)

He is an arsehole when we argue, but the rest of the time he's brilliant.
I think the not minding being in each others shoes is a cultural thing definitely.

The food thing, she is starting to understand, but even with lists of acceptable foods/ amounts still seems to cook something different. I'm quite happy cooking for myself, I love cooking too, so that's not the issue, it's more the feeling guilty!

Me and MIL get on really well but I get stressed after a few days of her staying. I can't believe you're hosting her for 2 months.. and whilst pregnant!