To be annoyed by my friend insisting on paying for everything?

[DressesWithPockets]

I have an old friend of 30+ years. For the last few years every time I've seen her she's insisted in on paying. Sometimes it's just coffee. Sometimes it's a posh place she has chosen. I've repeatedly told her I'd like to get my own or pay this time. She always insists and it's difficult in public (I think) to have an argument about it so I've given in, while telling her clearly it's unnecessary. She and her OH probably earn 4 times what we do, but we're not skint at all either and I can definitely pay my share as long as we don't go anywhere too posh. It's come to a head as she has suggested meeting up again for a meal before Christmas, and I know she will expect to choose the place and pay to 'treat me' as she has said in the past. It wouldn't be in lieu of a Christmas present because we get presents for each other too. I've said I don't want her to pay again but from her reply I'm not sure she really understands my issue. I really tried to express that she was being very generous, as I don't want to sound ungrateful.

Am I being ridiculous? She's such an old friend and I'd rather meet somewhere low key we can both afford and split the bill. It's what I'd do with other close friends. I feel like she's breaking a social norm and it's really bugging me for some reason. I don't want to be 'treated' and it just highlights the differences between our situations.

Am I being unreasonable? Would you accept this unasked for generosity? Or is something else going on (for her or me)? I'm genuinely curious to know what others make of it.

Patronising is the word you are looking for. Use it.

Tell her that you can't be both a friend and a charity case, and if she doesn't stop treating you like a charity case, then you feel too uncomfortable to continue being a friend.

You really have to be that blunt. My idiot EXH was a lot like this. I loathed it. We started losing our good friends and attracting the worst group of spongers ever until I put a stop to it - and only throwing the biggest fucking tantrum ever and threatening to never socialise with him again was the only thing that got through to him.

She’s not listening to you and that’s the part that would drive me potty. I’d say something like “I realise you have good intentions in always picking up the tab but it makes me feel like a charity case and it upsets me that you’re not hearing me when I object. If you can’t respect my wish to pay my own way, I’m afraid I’ll have to refuse to meet up anywhere that involves spending money”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. You've expressed better than I have why I'm frustrated and that gives me some useful phrases to use when I do talk to her about it.

I agree, I’m a bit wiser too, thank you.

I completely see why you are annoyed. An ex bf of mine was like this. He thought everyone was impressed and in awe of him. They weren't - they just thought it awkward and pretty pathetic that he was trying to show off. But a big difference is that he was skint and it all went on the credit cards. If your friend is well off and genuinely sees it as a practical thing, I'm sure you guys can work it out. It would be a shame to sour a 30 year friendship over money, in the opposite way it would normally happen (cf friends being cheap).