To be annoyed by my friend insisting on paying for everything?

[DressesWithPockets]

I have an old friend of 30+ years. For the last few years every time I've seen her she's insisted in on paying. Sometimes it's just coffee. Sometimes it's a posh place she has chosen. I've repeatedly told her I'd like to get my own or pay this time. She always insists and it's difficult in public (I think) to have an argument about it so I've given in, while telling her clearly it's unnecessary. She and her OH probably earn 4 times what we do, but we're not skint at all either and I can definitely pay my share as long as we don't go anywhere too posh. It's come to a head as she has suggested meeting up again for a meal before Christmas, and I know she will expect to choose the place and pay to 'treat me' as she has said in the past. It wouldn't be in lieu of a Christmas present because we get presents for each other too. I've said I don't want her to pay again but from her reply I'm not sure she really understands my issue. I really tried to express that she was being very generous, as I don't want to sound ungrateful.

Am I being ridiculous? She's such an old friend and I'd rather meet somewhere low key we can both afford and split the bill. It's what I'd do with other close friends. I feel like she's breaking a social norm and it's really bugging me for some reason. I don't want to be 'treated' and it just highlights the differences between our situations.

Am I being unreasonable? Would you accept this unasked for generosity? Or is something else going on (for her or me)? I'm genuinely curious to know what others make of it.

She is being made feel like she is not gracious, when she would simply like to contribute.

This is it, exactly!

It's patronising and she needs to hear it.

I think the key is to set out how you want it to be before you meet. I understand you might be feeling patronised and like she thinks she’s being generous but she’s doing it the wrong way, to my eyes. Say to her where you’d like to go and insist on treating her or at least pay your own way.

I have a friend like this insists on paying, sneaks off and pays early if its my turn, constantly buying presents. I have laid it on the line now that it infantilises me, takes away any level of control on my part as my home fills up with her choices of tat things I mention I might need or want and will mean the end of our friendship if it carries on.

Agree on a place and meet her there. After you sit down tell her you just need to pop to the loo. Then go to the stand by the door and explain that you would like to treat your friend but she always tries to pay too and see if they can take your card details in advance. Then when the meal is over and she is looking for the bill, explain that you have already paid. It may then open the door for you both to have a chat about how you feel like she is treating you like a charity case and ask her why she always insists on paying. Her reply may give you some insight and with your feelings on the table too, you might be able to reach a compromise. A good friendship is worth an honest conversation.

I think your friend is just being generous and thinks nothing of it but it would be a good idea for you to insist occasionally, tell her you can usually afford it and it would be nice to treat her sometimes. That's fair.

I know someone who does this.

I don't want to start competing to see who can sneakily get the bill 1st and I don't want to argue about it.

She won't listen either, just brushes off other's feelings.

It puts me right off going out with her.

My ex (still a very good friend) does this all the time. He's just a very generous person but it does make me feel uncomfortable sometimes

Bluerussian I've tried this and got nowhere!

I am better off than most of my family by a fair bit. I would usually pay for meals out but they pay if it’s a coffee. That way I am paying the more expensive bill without always playing Lady Bountiful.

Is she the type to enjoy patronising you? If so ditch her.

Or is she more likely to enjoy treating you? If that is the case I would try and accept this as not the worst flaw. You have tried to pay many times so are not a CF therefore just enjoy it. Or send a thank you gift of similar value.

Would it work to move somewhere else for a drink and you could buy that?

I think she feels bad for having so much more than you and for being paid more money even though the effort she puts in is probably comparable to the effort you put into your work. The issue is not the money, it's the communication. Talk to her about this again if you can, but not when out and not when the bill arrives. She is clearly a loving friend and very generous so give her a bit of a break - I think she means no harm.

This thread did remind me of this

m.facebook.com/watch/?v=533492097081336&_rdr

"Friend - I appreciate that it gives you pleasure to treat me, but you need to let me pay sometimes so that I get a chance to feel that pleasure too"

My parents have a friend like this. It really does upset them.

I hate arguing over bills. When my friends and I meet up, we just pay our own way. It's a lot easier and we can all just order what we want without feeing bad.

I would decline meeting her this time and explain the reason why. Hopefully, she will finally understand how much this means to you.

Next time you go somewhere and have finished, excuse yourself for the toilet and pay on the way there/back to the table.
Then it gives you the opportunity to ‘get in there first’ I work in hospitality and see this a lot!

I really hope my family/friends don’t think this 😳. I just think of it as a way of paying forward. If I’ve been lucky enough to have a good year then I like to pay for them. It didn’t occur to me that I’d be thought a fool.

I think there's more than one thing here. I have a friend who does this, and I've mentioned that it makes me uncomfortable. The thing that bothers me about it is that she isn't listening. With anything else, if you told a friend they were doing something to you that bothered you, continuation of the behaviour would warrant at least further discussion. There's so much wrapped up in money. Status, power, etc. To have your feelings over-ridden is very uncomfortable. But because they're just being 'kind' you just have to sort of give in and eat the lovely food they bought you! It's a weird dynamic, this one.

She's a good friend of 30 years. Talk to her. Tell her how it makes you feel. Yes, it might be awkward and she might feel a bit uncomfortable hearing it, but you are feeling uncomfortable living it.

Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and tell her that if she doesn't agree to share the bill then you will have to decline meeting up. If she agrees, but then insists on the night I would allow her pay but tell her you are disappointed that she disrespected your feelings.

Order a starter AND a dessert.

Agree with others who say it's a sign of her not listening, in fact in some ways I think it's a form of control. The fact that she always insists on it, all the time. Every time. She can't let go of the role of the benevolent one, the bestower of favours.
I knew one guy like this and it drove me insane. He actually had low self esteem and was pretty down on himself. Maybe it's that? Or she just has issues around money based on her childhood so everyone else bears the brunt of her needing to pay... I get that many here would be happy to 'take one for the team' but I also understand how deeply annoying it is when a friend doesn't listen and puts their wishes above yours. It's actually maddening.

My DH does this. I hate it. I have resorted to telling him it looks like he is showing off and people pity him rather than think he’s being generous.

I had a mate like this...I used to hide money in his car! :D I'd stuff twenties down the seats or in his glovebox. Once, he turned up to an event with his kids and realised he'd forgotten his wallet...whilst looking for it, he found some of the notes and was so pleased.

It's really not always a measure of control. I don't know about your friend, but with me I know my friend is really struggling financially and wouldn't be able to afford a nice lunch out (I'm not talking Michelin stars here, just a cafe lunch). I can afford it for both of us.

If the situation was reversed I'd really be happy for her to pay. And if she wasn't the sort of person who'd reciprocate if she could, then I wouldn't pay for her now. I'd prefer it if she could afford to pay herself to avoid any embarrassment for her, but that's just the situation between us. I don't enjoy treating her so much as having a nice lunch together without her struggling to pay for it.

However, there are times we go somewhere cheaper/share a sandwich. and she pays for us so there isn't the Lady Bountiful vibe.

I think you should go no contact. Can you slip her my phone number instead