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To be annoyed a date has an fwb having told me they were looking to pursue something serious?

5 replies

caketree93 · 24/11/2019 16:52

I met this girl over an app a couple months ago and really liked her. We went on two very long dates, kissed for quite a long time on the second one and were texting loads. Then she is never free to hang out and eventually tells me that she's not ready to be in a relationship because she is only recently broken up with her long term partner. I was disappointed but understanding and said look ill see you round.

Then out of nowhere, she texts me a big long apology that she really liked me and was finally ready to date after the breakup and really wanted to give it another go. I say sure, we talk all week and go on another very long date.

During the date it becomes clear that a)the apology was a drunk text and b) she has been dating other people since we met, so obviously the 'I'm not ready for dating' line wasnt true but I said whatever. I mention in passing that I'm kind of anti open relationships for myself because they have ended disastrously for me because I have always found myself coming in second to whoever is the third because they are new and demand less effort.

At the very end of the date, she reveals she has an ongoing friends with benefits situation with a close friend of hers. They considered making it serious but then wanted different things, but it was still very much live when we were on that date.

I got quite annoyed and was like this really doesn't vibe with what you've been telling me about not wanting to be in a relationship before now. I kind of felt like every other option had been expended before returning to me and now I was going to have to compete with an established sexual relationship, which kind of makes the whole early dating process far more fraught. I personally also don't see the difference between a close friend you have sex with and a girlfriend, I think fwb is semantics, particularly when you're hypothetically looking for something serious.

I now feel like kind of a dick for getting so angry. Obviously we're not exclusive and I totally wouldnt mind if she was dating other new people, or had she not spun me such a yarn about how much she liked me. I'd already been rejected once by this girl and now I was like my time has been wasted twice.

AIBU to have gotten kind of mad and left?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 24/11/2019 16:56

Yeah you were U to be mad but she clearly is a bit dithery and you're not U at all to block her and move on to bigger better things


JacquesHammer · 24/11/2019 16:56

I don’t necessarily think she’s done anything wrong - she told you she didn’t want a relationship, not that she didn’t want to be dating.

Do you think you reacted the way you did because of the feeling of imbalance - you wanting more and her not?

I personally also don't see the difference between a close friend you have sex with and a girlfriend

Exclusivity, commitment etc.

It doesn’t sound either of you are unreasonable. You might not be compatible, at least without some serious conversation.


RightYesButNo · 24/11/2019 17:02

Yes, I think you have a right to be upset (though maybe not “so angry”) with anyone causing you this much drama by the third date and I do think she was being disingenuous. She said she wasn't ready to date, but then was dating. She waits until the absolute end of a date to tell you about a FWB; I kind of believe she knew it might be a problem then or would have mentioned much earlier. I’m sure you must have really liked her, but it sounds like she is NOT a good fit for you. Block her so you don’t receive any more of those drunken texts, and sadly, back to the starting line.


Pretzelcoatl · 24/11/2019 17:04

As PPs have said, a FWB isn’t the equivalent to a bf/gf - it’s a friend that you can have no-strings sex with and is based on familiarity rather than love.

She’s not unreasonable to have that while also looking for a romantic connection with others (but should be open about if she intends to continue it while developing feelings for new people), and you’re not unreasonable to decide that doesn’t work for you.


1Morewineplease · 24/11/2019 17:06

I’d move on if I were you, you both want different things.

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