To not want to holiday with sil?

[Cobblersandhogwash]

Dh's mum died recently.

Sil lives abroad.

Dh wants to go on holiday to theirs next Easter.

I don't want to holiday with them. They're okay for an afternoon. Just not really my cup of tea.

I've suggested to dh he visits them or we take a shorter holiday visiting them but that I don't want our main family holiday being with sil and her family.

He is obviously raw with bereavement and keen to spend more time with his sister. All good - he's welcome to do that. But why do me and the dcs have to as well?

Would he do the same for you?

Your attitude seems to be that you think it's a shame that his mum has died but you shouldn't be inconvenienced by it. He's your husband and he's asking you to put yourself out a little bit at a horrible time when he needs his family and a bit of support. His sister may not be your cup of tea, as you put it, but you could just fucking get on with it couldn't you? It's a minor inconvenience for your husband who has just lost his mother, it isn't about you right now.

Is your DH a good man? Do you love him? Would he do it for you?

Sounds like my idea of hell, but if the answer is yes to all of the above, I think you should suck it up, put on a smile and go. I would do it, be supportive and kind, and bitch to my friends upon return.

Maybe it's an idea to accept that he needs this time with his family to grieve their mother? 2 weeks in a lifetime isn't an awful lot to give up, so maybe arrange for a few days out and weekends away.

Everyone needs to jump off their high horses!
OP is offering a very reasonable compromise in a week with her and DC. If he wants spend more time with Ds there is no reason he can't go alone.

Based on the scant information given I think I agree with you nicarro.

I’m not sure the OP is obliged to be there for the full fortnight. Her dh can stay with his sister on his own surely? Why not?

I have asked if he would do the same for her (twice) but she hasn’t said.

I imagine the answer goes a long way to deciding whether she is BU or NBU.

Bloody hell.

Just suck it up for the love of your husband. Your post really does make you sound uncaring.

Of course you go at Easter, with good grace, and make it as fun for DC as you can. And be proactive about helping your DH through this.

OP I'm assuming there's a massive backstory here that you're not telling us? YABVU otherwise. There has to be something beyond them just not being your cup of tea as to why, in the circumstances, you wouldn't do this for your DH.

Would it be possible for him to go and spend some long weekends with her, before next summer? He then gets time with his sister without her having to host you all whilst she is grieving. (Mention in in terms of trying to be considerate of both his & her feelings).

And then maybe you could all go for a week at Easter, then have a holiday for a week to yourselves in summer?

YANBU but you need to develop and demonstrate more empathy and tact in negotiating this than you are currently showing in this thread.

The question is how can you support your bereaved DH, and his sister.

Be 100% positive about a shirt visit. How about suggesting he go for longer to spend quality time with his sister without the rest of you. And you go for 4 days or so.

Say it will be good to then save some hol for later in the year as he will need some rest time and s change of scenery.

Never let your disdain for your SIL show.

Suck it up. Their mum has just died. FFS.

Not sure if my suggestion is what you have already proposed, but again, put it in terms of being fair on his sister having to host whilst grieving.

I don’t think YABU.

You don’t want to go, you’re fine with your DH & DC going for a week.

You want a normal family holiday.

If your DH needs to be near his sister and wants to spend more time with her can you cut back your family holiday to a week and your DH spends two weeks with his sister instead?

If you and your SIL don’t get along anyway, she probably won’t want you around either.

One of the stand out pieces of bad behaviour I have ever witnessed was when my mum's best friend died on Christmas Eve.

My mum was obviously upset, but actually put on a brave if highly nervy and irritating show.

My sister was an utter sulking brat, winding her up and gurning at me in annoyance whenever my mum did anything.

You're reminding me of that OP, it's not a good look.

Surely you can do it just once. Be a nice person.

thecatsthecats - sorry...what? I don’t understand your comparison. Seems very detailed based on what scant information we have here. Maybe you should take this up with your sister?

I wouldn't want to either OP. YANBU.

If he wants spend more time with Ds there is no reason he can't go alone

He obviously needs to spend time with all his family as he is grieving.

I feel like you should just go and be supportive of your husband who has lost his mother, your children who have lost their grandmother and your sister in law

It might actually turn out to be the best holiday the kids have ever had if planned well.

OP, you haven’t told us anything about the ‘abroad’ where SIL lives, and that affects responses.

Is it by the sea / holiday-friendly countryside or a fab city or a suburb of Düsseldorf?

Is it a £60 EasyJet flight or long haul?

Good weather or N European?

Ywbu to not go at all.
Yanbu to go for 1 week instead of 2.

Could you suggest that your dh goes out separately before your trip for a weekend to spend with his dsis? This is understandably a very hard time for him. If one of parents died I think I'd like to spend time alone with my siblings so that we could grieve together.

If you've said a week is fine, but you don't want this to be your main family holiday then I think you're being utterly reasonable - in my book anyway! My DH's family live OS and I am always prepared to go and visit them, as long as we have a 'proper' holiday somewhere else too, with just the four of us doing something that is our choice. I have bugger all in common with my ILs, so going to see them usually means doing stuff I wouldn't choose, but I'm married into their family and DH is very good at doing things with my family, so it's give and take, but YANBU.

I agree with you @Cobblersandhogwash. My mum died and I am able to visit siblings without Dh tagging along. I certainly wouldn't land myself Dh and kids on any of my siblings for a 2 week holiday. That would be very intrusive. Is he assuming you will stay in sil's house? That would be a definite no from me. If you booked a holiday home and met up a few times with sil and her family, then that would be more manageable. Of course it depends on the area and whether or not there would be stuff to actually do with kids for 2 weeks.

Try putting yourself in his shoes, your sister lives abroad, your parent has died, you want visit, would you want h8m t9 support you in your time of grief?

Suck it up, it’s once, not every year

I can see OP’s point, it’s hardly going to be two weeks of fun in the sun with activities and sightseeing for the kids is it. More two weeks of watching daddy and aunt be all sad and reminisce about grandma. They’ll probably feel mega uncomfortable.

I’d go for a week then a week elsewhere if possible, if not encourage DH to go for a week on his own to grieve with his sister for a week then all together as a family have a week in Spain or something x