My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To go home and help her or stay here?????

27 replies

wherearemypaintbrushes · 23/11/2019 16:06

Hi all. Currently on a date with a lovely man that I have met Smile I am staying up until tomorrow. I have trusted my eldest daughter (twenty years old) and her boyfriend to 'babysit' DD14. They are planning to get a chinese tonight but DD has, for the past week, counting her calories responsibly and exercising Smile I had told DD that her best friend could stay over for the day if she wanted. They had made a plan and all seemed fine until I got an email by DD14 that basically said she doesn't want chinese because of the calories, she just had a panic attack and was sobbing, friend couldn't come over, she doesn't want to go downstairs because of DD20's bf (she seems to dislike him for reasons that I don't know although she is an anxious/ shygirl)
I am now concerned due to the number of problems here. I don't know whether to go home or leave her to calm down Sad especially the part about the calories. We have experience in our family of eating disorders and the way she wrote it seemed worrying. I only got the email an hour ago and there have been no more but I still don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
wherearemypaintbrushes · 23/11/2019 16:07

Any suggestions on what I should tell her too? Can't call her (her phone is broken) and she's having to use her laptop so will have to write an email back.

OP posts:
Monr0e · 23/11/2019 16:09

Call her sisters phone and speak to her on that?

Joerev · 23/11/2019 16:10

Do you have a home phone you can ring her on?

Ring your eldest phone? Ring her boyfriends phone?

I would go home. Kids come before dates in my eyes.

wherearemypaintbrushes · 23/11/2019 16:10

@mon I would but I don't want her bf to get involved as it would make it all worse.

OP posts:
wherearemypaintbrushes · 23/11/2019 16:11

He's lovely and I wouldn't know what to say Sad

OP posts:
Monr0e · 23/11/2019 16:11

Sorry, not much help with the rest of your post but I agree, the obsession and anxiety over calories is worrying.

If she doesn't want the Chinese surely there is other food in the house she could eat? Is this the first time you have stayed away? She may be struggling with the idea of her DM having a relationship.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/11/2019 16:11

Are there no other phones in the house? Have you rung your eldest daughter to see how things are from her perspective? How about if eldest's boyfriend doesn't come over after all?

Neolara · 23/11/2019 16:12

Do you think your dd doesn't want to to go on your date?

Joerev · 23/11/2019 16:12

You also need to shit down the calorie thing and quick. Very quick. Don’t let it get out of control. Keep her in sight as much as humanly possible. Check the net for tips. So you can see if she’s not eating or exercising too much. There unfortunately are websites out there where they give each other tips on how to starve themselves. Check these.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2019 16:12

I be concerned about why your youngest doesn't like the boyfriend, first of all. I think I would tell your eldest to send her boyfriend home and focus on her sister, at the very least. If you feel your youngest is very fragile, go home.

Joerev · 23/11/2019 16:12

I would also tell your eldest to send her boyfriend home too.

Crunchymum · 23/11/2019 16:16

You need to speak to both DD's to gauge exactly what is going on.

wherearemypaintbrushes · 23/11/2019 16:16

DD20 is madly in love with her bf and doesn't like how DD14 dislikes him. she was very supportive of me going on a date and this is the first time her being alone. I honestly think she would have been fine by herself but I wouldn't have felt right leaving her. I left egg and mayo sandwiches in the fridge but she doesn't want to go down to get them as bf is there.

OP posts:
wherearemypaintbrushes · 23/11/2019 16:17

I'll text DD20. Be updating in a few hours hopefully. Thank you all Flowers

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 23/11/2019 16:21

Wondering if DD is upset that the other females in her life are making changes.
It won't harm her too much if she has to accept you have lives.
Tell her you will be home tomorrow, be side if you give in, you will find it happens all the time.

Soulstirring · 23/11/2019 16:44

This sounds very bizarre about the boyfriend. If your 14 year old is so uncomfortable around him she won’t even go downstairs I’d ask your elder daughter to ask him to leave. 14 year old sounds very anxious and as though she needs some reassurance. I hope you manage to sort it out with your elder daughter and can stay on your date.

Going forward I’d address the eating issue with your daughter but you know this already so sorry to preach. Not wanting Chinese is fine, panicking about it isn’t. I don’t think it’s something you can fix
Tonight though. Good luck x

Joerev · 23/11/2019 18:07

@Soulstirring. 100% agree. Mum hasn’t stated any mental health issues. So for her to hate the boyfriend

I’d tread very carefully on this one

I once got nearly raped at a party. Guy was one of the ‘popular’ kids. No one believed me. So I just ended up never being alone with him again.

puds11 · 23/11/2019 18:10

Why is she counting calories at 14 Shock

runoutofideasnow · 23/11/2019 18:16

If your youngest dd won't go downstairs in her own house due to the bf then I'm afraid the bf needs to go home until the reason can be ascertained.

GloriaMaximus · 24/11/2019 14:59

Is your DD ok op?

Countryescape · 24/11/2019 17:18

Your 14 year old clearly had serious issues she probably should see a GP/ counsellor about. I’m confused by your post. You seem thrilled she’s counting calories and exercising, then the next minute you’re worried about it. A 14 year old should not be counting calories. That’s miles away from healthy behaviour. I think you’ve played a large role in this “eating/exercising/anxiety” issue that’s playing out. Ring your 20 year old, tell her the boyfriend leaves now.

JasonPollack · 24/11/2019 17:52

Is your DD14 overweight? I don't think there is any responsible calorie counting at 14! Focus on healthy diet for sure, but including treats. Why would you allow this if you have concerns about Ed? Why would you leave her alone in the house with a man she doesn't like? That seems very unfair on her. Surely your DD20 can do without her boyf for the weekend.

Sorry but 14 is very young still. I think you should take this seriously and go home, or at the very least tell DD20 to send the boyf home.

MustShowDH · 24/11/2019 17:59

Go home.
Your DD needs you.

You won't be able to enjoy your date anyway. When you get there, don't be frustrated that you had to come home, be pleased she trusted you enough to tell you things were bothering her.

BackforGood · 24/11/2019 18:20

There has to be a lot more to this.

The fact you've said she's been counting calories all week, as if this is normal.
The fact you say she won't go downstairs because boyfriends is there.

None of this is within the bounds of normal behaviour. Only you know more about what is going on here.
Presumably you know more than you are telling us about the dynamics between her and the boyfriend? That is hasn't occurred since you left home this weekend ? In which case surely you would have set the groundrules beforehand - from either telling her not to be so ridiculous right through to telling older dd he isn't allowed to be there.

As a total aside, why on earth would you need to make sandwiches for a 14 yr old and a 20 yr old Confused

Sleeplesssleepseeker · 24/11/2019 19:31

Why are you pleased to have your 14 year old daughter is counting calories? That's fucked up!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.