To think this is not on?

[passthetea]

Exdp and I separated in August it's very amicable and was a joint decision to split.
We have an arrangement that he has our DD's every other weekend Friday- Sunday except he's never had them fri-sun yet because somethings always come up, he moved out and got his own place in September and I gave him some time to get his flat in order plus he had a holiday (was booked a year before so I knew it was happening) when all was sorted and he was home he had them sat-sun and every time it's been his weekend he has texted to say he's working the Saturday he's got them so can't have them until he's home which is anything between 2-3pm. By the time he's showered and got over here it's around 4pm then he brings them home about 3/4 on the Sunday.

This week Has been a nightmare what with my boiler breaking and my youngest being poorly I've had no sleep and I'm quite exhausted from the constant demands from 2 young kids and 3 teenagers.

Ex texted me Wednesday to say he has to work on Saturday (today) and can have the kids after work til Sunday, this has really pissed me off not only because I'm exhausted stressed and fed up but because his parents are having them Sunday so he will only have them for such a short time while I'm here do the brunt of the parenting. I noticed he paid me a little extra last night in Maintenance and he's probably done it so I have less to moan about. Aibu to feel like this? I called him yesterday to talk about a different issue and we got on the conversation about him having the kids and I told him how unfair he's being especially as I have 3 teenagers and I'd like to be able to plan something with them and take them out but how can I when he's so unreliable. I've told him to work the Saturdays that he doesn't have the kids but he says he needs the money, which I get but he didn't work that many Saturdays when we were living together and struggling

I would tell him that he either sticks to contact times or he can't have the kids at all unless he gets a court order.

And get the CMS adjusted accordingly, say he has no overnights.

Nothing else is going to work because he's got nothing to lose at the moment.

I think his mistake is thinking that you are still his childcare option.
If he needs care for the children in his time, then he needs to find it. Assuming you would be happy with that. If not, you’ll need to change the contact arrangements somehow so that when he’s on, he’s guaranteed to be free to have them.

He's a selfish man & a shit father, which is presumably why you left him.

Tell him from now on you are not his free default childcare & if he chooses to work on his access days then he needs to sort appropriate cover for the DC.

If you don't put your foot down now, you will be doing 99% of the parenting forever.

He is stopping you from moving on with your life by expecting you to always be there whenever he needs you.

Why is he selfish he's working ?
He probably has to work more now to support himself plus give you maintenance. You need to work together and compromise, suggest a evening in the week . No point to agreeing to have them all weekend if he's working .

I agree with above - he needs to know that those days the girls are his responsibility. If he wants/needs to work he needs arrange childcare.
Maybe his parents would like to spend time with them? I assume you would be ok with that?
Although I understand it would be better for the kids to spend time with their father but that’s not something. You can force

If you don't put your foot down now, you will be doing 99% of the parenting forever.

This is what I keep hearing from my mum. My older 3 have never had any contact with their father (his decision) so I done it all by myself.

I had similar with ex it’s been about a year now and has got better. Now we sit down with a calendar and work out 6 months in advance when he’s having them. so the last 8 months he has stuck to the plan so it’s worked well and avverages out to him having them every other weekend.

He does want to see the children and his work doesn’t have a pattern, but the most important this is children want to see him, so we’ve developed a system if they didn’t want to see him it would be a different story.

In the early days he used to do similar to your ex and I said that’s fine however we are not waiting around for you and a couple of times when he was ‘ready to coles t them we’d be out. This seemed to sort him out a bit which is when we decided on the 6 months ahead plan system.

This way I know when I can go out and can plan with the children and he can work, and the children get to see him.

I wouldn’t worry about the in laws looking after them I don’t think that’s your call.

Can you change contact so that he has them every Saturday night until Sunday teatime rather than every other full weekend. That might work better as it means you get a bit of a break every week and he also gets to work Saturdays.

It’s really unfair being the resident parent sometimes as you can’t force contact and are expected to just pick up the slack. I wouldn’t stop contact completely though as that will just make things worse for everyone.

I'm going out for lunch with him tomorrow so I'll try and work something out with him.
It's hard atm is doing all the putting to bed which can take an hour with each of them a night as they will only have me sit with them until their asleep, by the time I come downstairs I'm ready for bed myself

I think it's time to reassess the childcare arrangement. Maybe one or two evenings during the week or longer stays during school breaks. I'm sure he has more expenses now and needs to work. I think it could be worse and at least he is working and paying and does see his kids.

If he's having them from fri night to Sunday twice a month, that's just 4 days a month.

He therefore has 26-27 days a month he can work/party/whatever, you are really asking very little of him.

It's pathetic that he won't step up to do such a small amount of parenting.

• Why is he selfish he's working ? He probably has to work more now to support himself plus give you maintenance. You need to work together and compromise, suggest a evening in the week . No point to agreeing to have them all weekend if he's working*

Yeah, poor guy huh? 🙄

He does what every parent needs to do when they’re working - find childcare. It isn’t the OP’s issue to solve.

OP YANBU. He needs a schedule and to stick to it.

Is he paying relevant maintainance?

*maintenance

Surely if he is supposed to have them Friday to Sunday then it is his responsibility to find childcare not yours.

You have plans.

Is part of the reason you split because he was controlling because it sure looks like he wants to still control you

Stop being so accommodating. If he needs alternative childcare on a Saturday then he needs to organises it. Don't be available.

Could he have them from Saturday tea until he drops them to school Monday?

He can't have them in the evenings he isn't home until 5pm and the go to bed 7-7:30 so it's pointless, he doesn't get any holiday he is self employed so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. He has got 2 weeks off at Xmas so there's no excuse for him not having them then. I've just looked and he is on his way home (10 mins away) so I'll wait to see when he texts to arrange pick up

@SunniDay he leaves for work at 5:30am so can't

I wonder if I texted him about when he's getting them he'd say "I don't know because I'm still at work" when I know he isn't

I've told him to work the Saturdays that he doesn't have the kids but he says he needs the money, which I get but he didn't work that many Saturdays when we were living together and struggling confused

He probably doesn't get to choose which weekends he works. Also, running a house alone and paying maintenance is more expensive than the two of you running a house together.

@spacepyramid he does get to choose because he is self employed and he can work any saturday he wants hence why I told him to work every other Saturday.

I think you need to have a chat with him about definite dates he will stick to. So perhaps every Saturday after work until Sunday afternoon and then once a month Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. That might be easier all round. Otherwise can he make childcare arrangements of his own for them to be looked after on the Saturday if he does work (his parents or siblings?).

I appreciate it’s really annoying that he isn’t currently sticking to what is agreed but (because you haven’t said otherwise) I’m assuming his children love him and want to spend time with him so it’s what’s best for them rather than most convenient for you.

If he’s self employed then he needs to manage his time better, but you need a break single parenting is exhausting, try siting down with him and see what happens.

If money motivates him maybe try the approach of the less you see then the more it costs you.

Why is he selfish he's working ?
Because he is expecting his EX wife to just suck up childcare at his behest, change any other plans to do so, & spend less time giving focus to her older children while she covers for him.

He probably has to work more now to support himself plus give you maintenance.
Quite probably - & he can do so on the weekends he doesn't already have a mandated agreement to spend time with his children. Or he can arrange for his children to be looked after by a 3rd party if he wants to work on 'their' weekends.

Could you offer for him to have them every Saturday night to Sunday as he is struggling to do the whole weekend every other week? Offer him a choice of either and see how he reacts.