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To want DS to go to nursery rather than MIL?

29 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 09:07

mil is somewhat a difficult character.
There are many little things that have added up to me not wanting her to have him while we're at work...
DS is 1 year old.
She has no concern for my routine and the needs of DS, she does what she likes when she likes.
Ie... taking him out in the pram at 3.30pm, 2 hours later OH is texting me panicking that she still isn't back with him, it's dark, it's freezing, her phone is going straight to answerphone.
Or giving him whole grapes... As long as they are peeled, that's!?

I try to tell her and she just talks over me and doesn't listen to the way I'd like things done.
She makes sarcastic comments to DS about us in front of us, he doesn't understand at the mo, but he will one day.

Tbh - I rather he went into nursery than mil to have him.
I know this is going to cause issues... My mum has him one day of the week, but of course if trust my mum 100% with him and she doesn't do silly things putting him at risk.
So AIBU???

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 23/11/2019 09:08

Of the available options I'd send him to a nursery.

RolytheRhino · 23/11/2019 09:11

And I say that as someone who has their mother in law look after DC while I work and decided I didn't like the local nurseries enough to trust them with my DC.

Notsurehowtofixit · 23/11/2019 09:12

Maybe? But you have to trust your instincts.

EleanorReally · 23/11/2019 09:14

do you get on well, can you be firm with her about your wishes, about safety?
if not, tell her you prefer the socialisation he gets from nursery.

MamaToTheBabyBears · 23/11/2019 09:14

You would be unreasonable to let someone look after him that you didnt trust. The grapes thing especially is extremely dangerous, and surely those sorts of comments come under emotional abuse?

Pinkblueberry · 23/11/2019 09:16

YANBU. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her that’s why you doing it either - sounds like she’s been very out of order and doesn’t care, so it might get the message across.

Also - I suppose she’s not wrong about the grapes, but why would anyone go through the effort of peeling them rather than just slicing?? She sounds bonkers Confused

Shelby2010 · 23/11/2019 09:24

I think nursery sounds the better option. But just be aware you will soon be changing your routine to match nursery’s. Whatever your DC does now, if he is with 15 or more other children who have lunch at 11.30 & all nap at 1pm then that’s what he will do too! Not because they will force him to, but peer pressure works from a very young ages!

Tableclothing · 23/11/2019 09:27

She makes sarcastic comments to DS about us in front of us
OH is texting me panicking that she still isn't back with him, it's dark, it's freezing, her phone is going straight to answerphone.

She's using your DS to punish and control you/OH. Fuck that. Nursery it is.

MrsAJ27 · 23/11/2019 09:33

No way she would be having my child

youcancallmequeenE · 23/11/2019 09:37

It's up to you to make the decision about whether or not to send him to nursery but doing that under the pretence of safety is a bit of a cop out.

Taking him out at 3:30 for a walk and not being home when you get there is not a safety issue. It's a communication issue. You don't need to be able to get hold of someone 24/7. You want to be able to do so. That doesn't make it unsafe.

I take your point re the grapes however I don't cut them up for my 2 year old. I also don't leave him eating them unsupervised. Peeling them sounds like something my mum would say 😂. She also peels grapes and mushrooms 😂🙄

Think about everything from a holistic point of view. What's the ideal? If your mil started cutting up the grapes would that be more acceptable to you? What about if you agreed that she should be back by a certain time with baby?

I do have a lot of empathy with you. My mum looks after my 2 a day a week each child and I have to be more firm than I'd like about things that I see to be common sense. But then I also need to consider that it's been 35 years + since she had a young child and that they forget. Same way that I've forgotten a lot even in the last year 😂.

I could easily put the kids in nursery more but that would be at the detriment of their relationship and I hold family relationships in high regard.

I find I have to be very clear about things that are and are not acceptable to me and that in itself frustrates me as I don't think I should have to, but ultimately it makes for everyone having a good relationship and also I think my mum would feel isolated and sad if she didn't get to see the kids and I definitely don't want her to feel that way.

Why not sit down with your oh and have a think about what it is that is and isn't acceptable and go from there.

Don't barrage your mil with a list of demands, but saying to her that you expect her to take her phone with her when she goes out and that she needs to be home by x time so that you can sort out dinner etc is not unreasonable. Likewise re the grapes. Either cut them up or don't give them to him.

I'm sure you can work it out.

couchparsnip · 23/11/2019 09:42

I read that as your MIL wants to go to nursery for a second! Maybe she should go, it seems like she's acting like a child and needs to learn some manners.

youcancallmequeenE · 23/11/2019 09:44

Also re mealtimes, as another poster said- it changes at nursery anyway. I don't stick to nursery times for meals ... I'd never be out of the kitchen!!!! Kids do adapt but it's also important that on the days your kids aren't at nursery and they're with someone else that they are aware of your meal time routine.

So, my mum will think nothing of giving them a large late lunch around 2;30-3 and then a snack at 4:30 and then wonder why I'm furious as I'm constantly throwing food away at 5:30 because they're not hungry 🤯. I've had to be exceptionally clear. Lunchtime is 12-2. Not starting at 2:30. FINISHING by 2pm. Don't give them snacks an hour before dinner. Make sure you bring them home by X time. Ensure that they have at least one vegetable with their meal. Don't give them fruit all day long.

I'm not that precious with what they eat, they get a balanced enough diet. But I do insist that they have at least one veg during the day. Because if I didn't she wouldn't necessarily consider it because she'd given them up teen grapes and various other fruit 🙄. Nutrition is different for the older generation and yes mum, mini milks are not better than ice cream

Anyway I digress... I get the frustrations, I really honestly do. But the better the communication and the more it's reiterated the more successful it will be

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/11/2019 09:45

Nursery offers the socialisation that I think children need.

Even if I had family to look after dc I would still opt for nursery

AJPTaylor · 23/11/2019 09:56

You had me at the grapes. My colleagues 3 year old choked to death on a grape.
Put him in nursery. Don't apologise or explain.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 23/11/2019 10:06

I wouldn't leave my child with her for five minutes, let alone a full day.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/11/2019 10:08


Whatsername7 · 23/11/2019 10:12

Agree with PP that nursery is the better option. If MIL kicks off, tell her the reason you are putting him in nursery. Just be honest. She will either agree to follow your lead as parents or she will kick off. Either way, your child, your rules.

Fatted · 23/11/2019 10:14

Put your DC into nursery. It's easier to be able to have a 'professional' relationship with your childcare provider. That way it doesn't get personal or turn into a family fall out when you object to something. Like grapes not being cut up.

But I will warn you. At nursery, your routine will be completely disregarded and your DC will have to fall in with their routine. There are things to be precious about and routine is most certainly not one of them!

champagneandfromage50 · 23/11/2019 10:17

send your DC to nursery. She ignores your requests, is dangerous and doesn’t even remain in communication when she does have your DC.

FizzyGreenWater · 23/11/2019 10:19


You can't 'be firm' with a family member like this. The issue is that they think that THEY are just as much in charge of 'THEIR grandchild' as you. Where there is slight tension this can be heightened into deliberately going against the wishes of the parent just to get to feel they're the one in the driving seat.

Your MIL doesn't respect you so it isn't possible for her to look after your son, because that would require her to respect you and follow your wishes on care. So that's that.

'No MIL it wouldn't work well because I know you won't follow my wishes on DS's care, so I won't put any of us in that position. I don't want a fall out.' Said very directly and plainly.

If your H hestitates, tell him in no uncertain terms that this is the best option for you all to get along long term. What you are doing is removing the flashpoints. Because you know she will not respect your decisions and what will happen is that you'll bite your tongue for so long then one day lose it when she disappears with him, or perhaps puts him in a situation you see as dangerous, or does something you've asked her not to do. When that happens there will be a fall out and then it will be hard to come back from that. Make sure he knows that if it came to that, you'd be really letting rip - it won't be a polite grumble. So - what we do is just not create that situation in the first place.

luckygreeneyes · 23/11/2019 10:24

The grapes (and cherry tomatoes) is a hard kind for me, if they can’t be arsed to do something easy to avoid such a huge risk I’d stop him going unsupervised.

To the PP who said they give their 2 yo whole grapes- you’re insane, no matter how well you supervise

littlepaddypaws · 23/11/2019 10:25

what does your dp say about it ? it's his mum and you seem to be doing the convos with her. why isn't he speaking up unless he's one of the many men on here who don't want to cause trouble, just ignore it etc.
get him to back you up and put a collective foot down, ds is going to nursery, pick the bones out of it. if she rants or cries that's not your problem.

luckygreeneyes · 23/11/2019 10:25

*line not kind

littlepaddypaws · 23/11/2019 10:30

incidently, re; routines at nursery, dd works in one and says that all parents have different routines 'my child HAS to have'. the nursery wouldn't be able to function if they carried out them all. nursery has to have it's own routine except when it's nap times for the babies and very little young ones.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/11/2019 10:41

Communication is an absolute must with any childcare provider and it's much easier to have any difficult conversations with someone you are paying in a professional capacity.

My PIL looked after ours when little but they worked with us on their care. Keen to keep to our (non-existent) routine! We still had small issues, some we ignore but one we did have to talk about. It was awkward for a while and my PIL are totally lovely.

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