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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my mind about having another baby?

39 replies

AnneTwackie · 22/11/2019 23:08

I had my eldest at 20 and she is almost 18, I have another child who is 15 and I met my current partner when they were 4 and 2. He has been a good step dad, they both see their biological dad. I made it clear from the beginning I wanted to be married and have all my children by 30 as I had started so young and wanted to feel secure. He agreed and said he wanted two children. He delayed proposing and we got married at 30. We started trying for a baby, it took a long time and he refused to seek any help. We eventually had a baby when I was 36. He was not much help, the whole thing made him feel anxious and he’d be quite critical, but he does love our son. We started to try for another but now our son is nearly 3 I’m beginning to get some freedom back. I feel too old to start again at 38. I don’t want to go back to sleepless nights and less time with the kids I do have because I’m so knackered. I don’t want to be an old mum when I’ve also been a young mum- when do I just get to be me?
He argues that I’m depriving our son of a sibling close in age and being unfair to not have the second child we agreed to 14 years ago as he has made sacrifices to raise my two older children. He says he’ll be different with his second child.

AIBU to stand my ground and say I don’t want another child?
Has anyone had this disagreement and one has come round to the others thinking?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/11/2019 23:12

He didn't stick to what he said either about marrying and having children before you were 30. He doesn't sound great tbh, definitely not someone to have another child with. He sounds like a knob

Celebelly · 22/11/2019 23:15

Given his lack of help with the first one, there's no way I'd be getting guilted into having another with him.

BlueEyedFloozy · 22/11/2019 23:15

I'd be livid at his "sacrifice bringing your children up" being used against you for a start. He chose to be a part of their lives when he settled in a relationship with you - their Mum!

Secondly, why would he be a better Dad with this hypothetical baby when it didn't matter enough with his eldest?

He is not someone i'd be contemplating having another child with.

Fatted · 22/11/2019 23:16

YANBU. I'm 39. My youngest is 4YO and there is absolutely no way I would consider having another at this age. I'm like you, I've got my freedom back and no way would I go back to prams, nappies, bottles and being up in the night! I did have my two close together which didn't help. I don't have grown up DC. I would feel even less inclined to have another if I did.

I do understand how he feels about having another sibling close in age and I kind of agree with that. But I still wouldn't have another in your position.

If he was useless with your youngest, do you think he will genuinely change with another baby? Would he consider giving up work to look after it?!

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 22/11/2019 23:21

He has said he would give up work to look after it and bizarrely I could even go away to a retreat for a month after giving birth but I’m not that kind of person, I’ve breastfed my babies and worked from home on a low wage to be around for them.
He has said he’d never forgive me if I deprived him of a second child, I suppose I think he same way I’d resent him if I had another and felt trapped.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/11/2019 23:21

You both need to agree to have another child. He hasn't stuck to any agreements so far has he about marriage, having babies whilst you were younger etc.

Rainbowtheunicorn · 22/11/2019 23:22

Absolutely do not do it. You have enough children! Sort out some long term contraception and reclaim your life. Of course he can casually say let’s have another when he’s done fuck all when it comes to the actual long hard graft that having a baby/ toddler entails.

He won’t change and if you have another you’ll be stuck doing everything all over again. Your child does not need a sibling close in age. He has siblings, you can focus all your energy on him- plenty of activities he can do to socialise and make friends.

RandomMess · 22/11/2019 23:24

It sounds like he's issued an ultimatum on your marriage...

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 22/11/2019 23:27

Just to be clear he’s not a terrible father, just wouldn’t do any work around the house, doesn’t really give me much time to myself, if he’s bathing the baby I’m doing the dishes that kind of thing. I have to have c sections so really need quite a lot of help in the beginning.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneTwackie · 22/11/2019 23:28

It does random mess hadn’t thought of it like that

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2019 23:30

Don't have a child you don't want. No wins over yes.

Point out your original agreement was before 30, but because he didn't want to get married or get help, 3 was at 36. You're now nearly 40. If it takes 6 years again, they still won't be close in age. There's a greater risk of complexities. And you don't want to do it.

If he resents you for that, he can make his own choices on what he does.

RandomMess · 22/11/2019 23:40

So you would need to have a 4th section????

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 22/11/2019 23:45

Yes random mess

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneTwackie · 22/11/2019 23:47

He says he feels like me saying I don’t want another child is like me saying I want a divorce because it’s changing what he wants in life, he’s really upset about it.

OP posts:
Stefoscope · 22/11/2019 23:56

YANBU. It sounds like you were clear with him about wanting to be done with babies by 30 and he's now expecting you to be almost 40 with a newborn. I don't personally buy the argument about a child needing a sibling close in age. The flip side to not having another is he can focus his time into playdates/hobbies etc with his son, so there's no real reason for him to be lonely or miss out socially.

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 00:00

But he made you change what you wanted in life and wants you to change it even more!!!

riotlady · 23/11/2019 00:03

He sounds like a twat.

It doesn’t matter when he doesn’t stick to previously made agreements but if you change your mind, it’s the end of the marriage?

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 00:08

I had my 1st at 24 4th at 33, that was knackering enough!

If he divorces you how long will it take him to have a 2nd child then??? Certainly won't be close in age as siblings!

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 23/11/2019 00:09

He doesn’t say he’ll leave me but he says he’ll always resent me. I wouldn’t want to split up to be honest I want to find a solution we’re both happy with. I couldn’t take his son away from him and we do get on most of the time.

OP posts:
dreichwinter · 23/11/2019 00:09

He is being daft.
Life doesn't always work out the way you plan for.
He didn't help by refusing to look at fertility issues in your 30's.
It is your body that would have to go this.
Your dc will be perfectly fine with the family he has.
Your DH can't guarantee another dc would be a perfect sibling playmate for your dc anyway.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 23/11/2019 00:10

Yeah that sounds hardcore random

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/11/2019 00:14

Well you could use contraception such as deepo and "try" for a baby... 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 23/11/2019 00:17

Hahaha no I couldn’t do that!
You’re all right, I’m just not sure how to put my foot down without it ending in a lot of bad feeling

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/11/2019 00:23

Ask him how long he wants to try for, 2 years, 5???

Are you sure it's not a way of keeping you dependent on him? Makes him feel more secure?

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 23/11/2019 00:31

He doesn’t want to put a limit on it. I do think there’s an element of that but he mainly just likes getting his own way!

OP posts:
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