To change my mind about having another baby?

[AnneTwackie]

I had my eldest at 20 and she is almost 18, I have another child who is 15 and I met my current partner when they were 4 and 2. He has been a good step dad, they both see their biological dad. I made it clear from the beginning I wanted to be married and have all my children by 30 as I had started so young and wanted to feel secure. He agreed and said he wanted two children. He delayed proposing and we got married at 30. We started trying for a baby, it took a long time and he refused to seek any help. We eventually had a baby when I was 36. He was not much help, the whole thing made him feel anxious and he’d be quite critical, but he does love our son. We started to try for another but now our son is nearly 3 I’m beginning to get some freedom back. I feel too old to start again at 38. I don’t want to go back to sleepless nights and less time with the kids I do have because I’m so knackered. I don’t want to be an old mum when I’ve also been a young mum- when do I just get to be me?
He argues that I’m depriving our son of a sibling close in age and being unfair to not have the second child we agreed to 14 years ago as he has made sacrifices to raise my two older children. He says he’ll be different with his second child.

AIBU to stand my ground and say I don’t want another child?
Has anyone had this disagreement and one has come round to the others thinking?

[Kokeshi123]

As PP have said, HE has reneged on his promises---several times.

You need to say NO to this, very very firmly. This is HIS responsibility.

I just had a baby at 40. It is fine. But the difference is that I did not spend all of my 20s and 30s looking after kids as well! I spent that time traveling and doing career stuff. If you agree to this fourth child, you basically get to spend only a few years of your life being a child-free, non-retirement-age adult. Four kids is a LOT---how can you both finance another child unless you are very wealthy? And most doctors tell you to stop once you have had three CSs.

[NewErin1]

Why does he even want another child? At this point they won't even be close in age anyways so it's not like that is a good reason (if that is his main reason). Maybe he could see the doctor with you and listen to the reasons why another pregnancy and c-section would be really risky for you because of your age and prior sections?

[FizzyGreenWater]

Sorry he fucked this up!

You TOLD him you wanted to finish your family by 30. HE delayed.

HE CHANGED WHAT YOU WANTED IN LIFE. Him. He's done that bit already. He created the issue in the first place.

You've already conceded for his sake, already compromised.

Now that is over, and it's his turn to compromise.

You didn't get to finish your family until 38 because of him.
He isn't going to get his second child because of you.

Totally equal. Life clearly didn't work out perfectly.

Selfish of you? Absolutely not. Maybe he should have thought ahead on the extra dangers, risks, exhaustion of continuning pregnancies into 40. Of the risks of a 4th section at that age too. Maybe he should have thought ahead. He didn't.

he says he’ll always resent me.

Then I suggest you tell him in no uncertain terms that his choice there is to stop that nonsense or get the hell out. If he wants to be that kind of idiot, the person he can resent is himself for being too selfish and stupid to listen to you properly when you told HIM what YOU wanted out of life. He's reaping what HE sowed, and there is no way on earth he will be allowed to indulge his idiocy by spending the rest of your lives throwing this back in your face, using it as a way to spoil all your lives and a free pass for him to be a total dick. If that's his plan - he can fuck off right now!

[RandomMess]

So yet again your "wants" of being done with kids by 30 didn't matter to him?

He is very self centred!!!

[AnneTwackie]

Thanks for all your replies, that’s pretty conclusive and really helpful. We didn’t get married until we were 30 because he wasn’t ready. I think I’ll probably book to see a marriage counsellor to talk this decision through with us so I can get my point across.

[MummytoCSJH]

He sounds awful, frankly. LTB. How dare he use the 'he sacrificed to bring up your kids' - how snide - as if it wasn't a choice he made. Disgusting and manipulative.

[Monkeymilkshake]

Why did you wait until 30 to get married? Was there a reason (as in illness, money...)? Or did he just delay it? Just asking as if he is the reason for the delay then it's his own fault really. I personnally wouldn't have another child if you dont want one. Like you said, you've done it 3 times; now time for you to enjoy yourself.

[pinkyredrose]

He sounds a bit of a twat. Do you believe him when he says he'll give up work? If he's saying he'll never forgive you he's laying the foundations for treating you like shit in the future.

[RandomMess]

I can't imagine them being particularly happy about you having a 4th section!!!

When he comes out with "resent" and "never forgive" turn the tables on him that you will always resent his behaviour since the youngest was born and will never forgive him for leaving you to do all the work and perhaps it's time to end things so he can have another child elsewhere.

Will be very telling what reaction you get, perhaps he just lives have a stick to beat with you?

[burritofan]

He doesn't sound nice or kind or a good father at all. The guilt-trip language, the implications that you somehow "owe" him a baby for taking on your elder children; it's all horrid.

YANBU to not want another baby, let alone when it would be a fourth section, with very little support from what sounds like an immature partner.

Don't bring a baby into the world to placate this man child.

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

He sounds very manipulative- he'll "resent" you, he'll "never forgive you", he's "made sacrifices to bring up your children". It's all about him isn't it? What he wants, what he feels entitled to. Well, he's not entitled to another baby regardless of what you may or may not have agreed all those years ago. You would be the one carrying it, having major surgery, feeding it and let's face it, doing most of the work. Do not, under any circumstances, have a baby you don't want to appease a man who thinks is acceptable to use emotional blackmail and issue ultimatums in order to get his own way.

[Ihavetoomanyfeelings]

Jesus! You're the one who will be carrying it, dealing with pregnancy related issues, giving birth (or c section), then lets me realistic here once it's born you know full well he has no intention of taking time off work, so the childcare will fall to you.

On top of that he's shown you already that he's more than happy to allow you to do all of the housework too while you have a baby??? People will say ANYTHING when they think they're losing a battle and want to get their way.

To me it sounds like he just wants the novelty of having another baby and thinks it's your job to do the majority childcare/housework. Don't do it to yourself, you sound so strong so please don't just give in to keep the peace

You know full well if you fall for the lies then have a baby, he will revert to his old ways then there's not much you can do, you can hardly decide not to look after it in retaliation can you. Enjoy the kids you have now and bin the man child, or at the very least read him the riot act and tell him to get over himself.

[3luckystars]

He doesnt sound very nice at all.

What if there is a health issue with a new baby or one of your other children, how will you split yourself 4 ways?

I think your instincts are right here. Good luck.

[Countryescape]

Tell him how crap you thought he was with the first baby, so why on earth would you do it again?! And your child does have siblings, they’re just older.

[AnneTwackie]

He doesn’t want to put a limit on it. I do think there’s an element of that but he mainly just likes getting his own way!

[RandomMess]

Ask him how long he wants to try for, 2 years, 5???

Are you sure it's not a way of keeping you dependent on him? Makes him feel more secure?

[AnneTwackie]

Hahaha no I couldn’t do that!
You’re all right, I’m just not sure how to put my foot down without it ending in a lot of bad feeling

[RandomMess]

Well you could use contraception such as deepo and "try" for a baby... 🤷🏽‍♀️

[AnneTwackie]

Yeah that sounds hardcore random

[dreichwinter]

He is being daft.
Life doesn't always work out the way you plan for.
He didn't help by refusing to look at fertility issues in your 30's.
It is your body that would have to go this.
Your dc will be perfectly fine with the family he has.
Your DH can't guarantee another dc would be a perfect sibling playmate for your dc anyway.

[AnneTwackie]

He doesn’t say he’ll leave me but he says he’ll always resent me. I wouldn’t want to split up to be honest I want to find a solution we’re both happy with. I couldn’t take his son away from him and we do get on most of the time.

[RandomMess]

I had my 1st at 24 4th at 33, that was knackering enough!

If he divorces you how long will it take him to have a 2nd child then??? Certainly won't be close in age as siblings!

[riotlady]

He sounds like a twat.

It doesn’t matter when he doesn’t stick to previously made agreements but if you change your mind, it’s the end of the marriage?

[RandomMess]

But he made you change what you wanted in life and wants you to change it even more!!!

[Stefoscope]

YANBU. It sounds like you were clear with him about wanting to be done with babies by 30 and he's now expecting you to be almost 40 with a newborn. I don't personally buy the argument about a child needing a sibling close in age. The flip side to not having another is he can focus his time into playdates/hobbies etc with his son, so there's no real reason for him to be lonely or miss out socially.