DF said he will not be coming to the wedding

[teddy55]

I'm hoping someone can help me on how to cope with this because I'm heartbroken. We are currently planning our wedding and just at the stage of setting a date for next year. Me and my dad have always been close until he and my mom got a divorce due to her cheating etc. when I was a teenager. We still managed to stay close and I tried my hardest but shortly after the divorce he started to resent me. He would always say horrible things that I'm my mothers daughter and he can see it in me, he just couldn't be near me as I reminded him of her and he started to get very distant and didn't want to see me or much to do with me. He became so paranoid and resentful I just didn't know what to do. I then ended up moving to a different country and everytime I came to visit my home country he would never answer his phone even though he was online on social media and we wouldn't ended up seeing each other even thought I've always wanted to see him hoping things would get better. We did see each other a few times I came back and he introduced me to his new 'girlfriend'. A complete psychopath, so insecure. She got drunk once and had a go at my dad for looking at me and paying more attention to me than he did to her and her daughter(only a couple years younger than me) - I also would only come back once or twice a year for a few days at a time and she would always say horrible things to me when she's had a few drinks like she wishes I never existed and the divorce was my fault etc. But my dad would listen and never say anything. It did bother me as I was quite young (am still only 23 though, so this is still very fresh in my mind) and it be honest it did do quite a lot of damage mentally. I tried confronting my dad about this many times but he would never ever talk about it. Last year me and OH went back to my home country to announce we were expecting and I was so excited to tell my dad in person and we arranged a coffee date, just me and him, to which he didn't turn up because of 'work'. A few hours later he texted to say he was on his way back from work and he will come and say goodbye because we were leaving the next day. He turned up, not wearing his work uniform, of course he was with her.. and said 'we've just been shopping, I took the day off work'. Fine, I didn't ended up telling him until we got back home and I confronted him about how I was upset about him lying as this was very special news I wanted to tell him face to face. He then started an argument out of nowhere about how I am always causing drama and I won't leave him and his girlfriend alone, always getting inbetween and the reason i never got on with her and her daughter is because I have always been jealous that she's been more of a daughter to me than I have ever been. I was devastated. Year goes on, our beautiful LG was born and we ended up going back to my home country again for over a week in the summer so the family could see her. Typical again, DF didn't answer his phone until last minute and came up with every excuse under the sun not to meet with us and meet his granddaughter. He eventually came to meet with us and I requested for his girlfriend not to come because I simply did not want her around my daughter. For once he has respected my wishes and I thought things we're going to get better. When we were having a coffee, he said that the reason he couldn't meet with us earlier was because about 3 weeks ago he had 2 weeks off to spend with his girlfriend and couldn't have any more time off. He is self employed btw...And he knew we were coming about 2-3 months prior to this. I brushed this off and told him I would love for him to come to the christening to which he said 'no, your mother and her family will be there'. Time goes on and we are now planning our wedding. I messaged to ask if he could come as it would mean a lot to me (in my home country a wedding is about the father giving his daughter away and it is such a big deal for the father to be there no matter what) to which he replied 'no, I will not be coming but I wish you all the best.' I am devastated and don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle as I've always dreamt it would be my dad doing it. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't even know what to say back to him.

You deserve far FAR better than having that toxic, poisonous man at your wedding! He doesn't deserve the honour and privilege of having anything to do with it. You are the wonderful person you are today in spite of him, not because of him.

And yes, I would cut him out of your life. What would you tell your daughter if someone treated her the way you've been treated? Role model for her the high standards she should look for in all her relationships.

One day, his relationship with his gf will end, and his 'stepdaughter' will have nothing to do with him and then he'll be alone. And deservedly so.

You should do whatever you want, as far as FB goes. You can keep that channel open, but if it's hurting you, don't hesitate to cut him off completely.

He's been a terrible father, and you owe him nothing.

Your child will be fine without the kind of grandfather he would most likely be. Probably better off without him, sadly.

@teddy55 This will be difficult to accept but it is his loss, (and I speak from experience) it is him missing out on a relationship with his daughter/granddaughter and at some point in the future when he is an old lonely man, he will regret how he treated you.

You are NOT to blame for your parents marriage ending, you are NOT to blame for your mum cheating, they brought you into this world and whatever issues they had as a couple should never have been taken out on you, your father is making you the scapegoat.

Stop now please for your own sanity, you do not need him. Once upon a time I was angry at my father but I had to let it go because it was destroying me and you know what? NO ONE is worth being mentally drained over.

Keep on showing your little girl what a proper parent is, forget your father and concentrate on the good things in your life.

I wish you all the best of luck with your upcoming wedding!

Sack him off. He’s clearly useless and you aren’t gaining anything from having him in your life. I don’t know why people feel obliged to put up with utter arseholes because ‘they’re family’. Anyone who blames a child for a divorce is arsehole!

Anyone can walk you down the isle. My DD walked me down (funnily enough because I didn’t want my family there).

I agree that I would leave him on Facebook, but not initiate contact any more. He has shown you time and again in his actions that he isn't interested in a relationship with you. As hard as that is, you just need to accept it.

Focus on your lovely husband to be and your daughter.

Don't let your father interfere in your marriage - neither on your wedding day or beyond. It will be his loss not to walk down the aisle with you. If not your DM, do you have a favourite uncle who would appreciate the honour?

Also, don't delete your father off FB, close this door but don't lock it. Post lots of photos - let him see what a small man he is.

Have a fabulous wedding day, laugh and celebrate with the man that you love.

I don't have a relationship with my dad OP. It was hard the first few months after cutting contact but now I'm fine and don't think about it much. I figured that him being in my life was having more of a negative effect on me than it would if he wasn't in my life. He isn't now and I'm fine, I'm not constantly upset by his actions as they don't affect me at all anymore.

He has chosen his path and that path is to priortise a partner that is horrible to his daughter. He also lays the resentment on you for your mums behaviour. That will never change. Cut him off, you'll feel better in time ♥️

Just want to add, like what a PP said, don't lock the door, just close it. By cutting him off, I mean seize your efforts and forget about him. If he comes to you with a new attitude, fair enough

I am slightly worried that this will mean my daughter might never see her grandad.

The best gift you can give your daughter is not showing her a grandad that treats her mum so horribly.

I 100% believe that daughters learn by watching how their mums are treated, and sometimes that’s how their mums allow themselves to be treated (sometimes there are, unfortunately, toxic cycles that women have a very tough time breaking free of). I think this is the perfect time for a clean slate. I think you’ve stayed in touch with your father because you’ve been desperate for the kind of father he’ll never be: kind to you, proud of you, interested in your life. It’s not YOUR fault that he’s not that man; it’s HIS fault. But he’s made it clear that he’s never going to do better. Leave the Facebook connection open if you want to, but I would recommend that for yourself, for your own heart, for your daughter, and even for your OH who your father didn’t bother getting to know, and for all the family you have that does care for you, stop having any contact with this man.

And if you have a good relationship with your mother and she’s raised you, then have her walk you down the aisle. It’s traditionally the person who has contributed to raising the bride, helping her become the person she is in her wedding day, so figure out who that is for you, if it’s your mum, or an uncle, a grandfather, someone else, etc. Please do NOT feel pressure to honour a father who has never honoured you.

Your dad doesn't love you

He is saying no to you every way he can think of.
Learn how to take no for an answer.

My strained relationship with my dad has dramatically improved recently. I am middle aged. You never know when they might surprise you.

But I would just step back for now. Don’t delete him or block him, just don’t seek him out. Let the relationship quiet for a bit.

As for the aisle, you can do anything you want. DH and I walked down the aisle together.

I never met my mother's mother. She walked out on her 5 kids. She did contact us when I was early teens. Had no desire to meet the woman, do I didn't. Your daughter won't miss out from not meeting your father. He sounds like he would not be a positive impact on her life.

He, and his partner, want you to go ‘no contact’. It’s as clear as day. They are kinda hoping you get the hint soon, and doing what they can to push you into breaking with them. Not accidentally, on purpose.

Don’t dwell on why, or ‘what ifs’. Sometimes people are just like that.

You’ll have your hands full soon, of husband and children. Your loyalty and energy need to go directly to them, not some hopeful pipe dream of dad/grandparent.

There’s plenty of people (lots on this thread alone) who’ve come to the realisation that they need to focus on ‘family’ in a different way. Listen to them. They aren’t being hard or mean. They say it to you from a place of love, for the benefit of your mental health going forward.

Trust us, you’ll be fine once you let go of this ‘but what if Dad suddenly comes good’ idea. He won’t, and that’s ok. Reality is, that’s ok too. You’ll be fine. And you’ll show your kid(s) a lot of far better role models than your dad could ever have done. Really.

Stop wringing your hands about the past, and step forward, smiling, into a great future!

I agree with just putting him on restrictive. Maybe hide his posts too. He’s bitter and angry with your mother and taking it out on you. How horrible for you.

He has found himself a narcissistic woman and her daughter to replace you both. Sorry, I know that is harsh to read. A decent woman would have put him back in his place. But maybe a decent woman wouldn’t have bothered with a bitter man. It sounds as if they’re a good match actually.

It will take time to really get your head around such a dramatic change. Your father sounds quite broken from the divorce and has in turn chosen to break you. As pps have said, you can choose to walk down the aisle however you want. Your fil to be, your mother, an uncle / aunt / cousin, your dp or even you alone are all options. Remember Prince Charles walked Meghan down the aisle.

Your father is a turd.
He is abusive, maybe even disturbed.

Cut him out of your life.
Stop trying to win his attention. He is enjoying your pain.

It will be hard for you, but you need to draw a line under the relationship and move on with your life without him. The best thing that could ever happen to your DD is never meeting her grandfather.

Choose good people to be your new 'chosen family'.

I would 100% cut all contact.
If you continue to post photos on FB in hopes that he will see them and realise what he is missing, what a nice woman you are and what a good mother, what a mistake he is making, you will still be living your life and turning your experience of motherhood into a rehash of all the pain of your relationship with him since he and your mother divorced. You will experience double the pain however, because he will reject your darling baby just in order to hurt you and that will feel like an ice pick to the heart.

Stop living your life in the context of the relationship with this toxic man. He has sucked you into his orbit - you will never know true peace until you have broken free of his gravitational pull.

What about a grandparent walking you down the aisle?

Sorry OP, but he doesn't care about you or love you the way a Dad should. I speak from experience.

Let him carry on with his life, don't make any more effort and I can only echo a PP, your DC won't be missing out because he's a shit and selfish person. Do you want your DC to feel as rejected as you have felt? He'd only let them down just as he's let you down.

Thank God he won't be at the wedding, he would utterly ruin your day.

Jeez, just get your mum to walk you down the aisle!
I'm sorry your father has turned out to be such a shit bag, but he has - and he clearly has little to no time for you, courtesy of his weakness in the face of his "girlfriend's" feelings - so seriously, fuck him.

He does not deserve your love, your respect or your contact - he's shown that he's not interested, take him at his word and fuck him off.

I KNOW he's your father and tradition and all that but he's blown it.
Box up your hurt and put it behind you - even if he came, he would bring Her and you don't want her there, I'm quite sure. Let it go.

Your daughter isn’t going to have a good relationship with her grandfather regardless of whether or not you delete him off Facebook.

I’d certainly stop contacting him and leave the ball in his court.

I‘m sorry, he’s a shit dad, and you’re clearly still hopeful he‘ll have some sort of epiphany and change. He won’t. Low contact would be my suggestion and zero expectations. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

Hello - I understand how it feels to want a relationship with a father who is not interested in being a proper dad. Mine has been pretty distant and substandard for decades, yet still there was this (little girl) part of me that thought, if I keep trying, one day it will improve. And I desperately wanted my DD to have a caring grandfather too.

My DF also declined coming to my wedding a couple of years back. At the time I was very upset. But it turned out to be a powerful turning point for me, helping me realise that he would never, ever be there for me or my daughter and that I was chasing a fantasy. This freed me up to move on from that - I've had lots of therapy too which has been extremely helpful.

You've tried really hard with your DF. He is telling you loud and clear that he's a shit parent. He doesn't appreciate or deserve you or your children. It's hard to let go of the idea (dream) that you can somehow fix this and things will change, but they won't and you need to take control of your own life and move on. One day, he'll be old and perhaps come knocking on your door to look after him - going NC now is the best thing you can do for your own peace of mind.

You sound like a woman who is free and independent. You don’t need anyone to walk you down the aisle in truth... unless you feel the need for someone to support you of course.

My father declined to come to two of his four kids weddings. I was one of them. My ‘sin’’? Not getting married in my home town but getting married in the town I lived in. And, my parents still lived together too.

I realized then that I was definitely my own person and that tradition of being walked down the aisle to be ‘given away’ was actually not at all relevant to my situation. And this was 30 years ago when it was very much part of the culture.

As far as contact, maybe don’t delete him from fb. But definitely go low contact. Let him know that you love him. He has issues he need to deal with and he does not seem to be able to look past them. But they are his issues.

Leave him to them and accept that your child may not get to know him. The way he is acting, do you want them to be involved with him anyway?

He's not a dad in anyway shape or form. He's punished you for years and encouraged his girlfriend too as well. That's abusive and a foul way to treat anyone but especially a child.

He brings nothing to your life but stress, imagine him bringing that into your dds life.

I would unfollow if not unfriend on fb and definitely unfriend his gf if she's there. Let him come to you, but be prepared for him not too.

I mean this in the nicest way but you are giving him chance after chance to hurt you all over again. So you need to stop. Why are you worrying about your DD not seeing him? Surely you don't want your DD emotionally damaged by him in the way you are? So what if he's your "father". He's emotionally abusing you OP.