DF said he will not be coming to the wedding

[teddy55]

I'm hoping someone can help me on how to cope with this because I'm heartbroken. We are currently planning our wedding and just at the stage of setting a date for next year. Me and my dad have always been close until he and my mom got a divorce due to her cheating etc. when I was a teenager. We still managed to stay close and I tried my hardest but shortly after the divorce he started to resent me. He would always say horrible things that I'm my mothers daughter and he can see it in me, he just couldn't be near me as I reminded him of her and he started to get very distant and didn't want to see me or much to do with me. He became so paranoid and resentful I just didn't know what to do. I then ended up moving to a different country and everytime I came to visit my home country he would never answer his phone even though he was online on social media and we wouldn't ended up seeing each other even thought I've always wanted to see him hoping things would get better. We did see each other a few times I came back and he introduced me to his new 'girlfriend'. A complete psychopath, so insecure. She got drunk once and had a go at my dad for looking at me and paying more attention to me than he did to her and her daughter(only a couple years younger than me) - I also would only come back once or twice a year for a few days at a time and she would always say horrible things to me when she's had a few drinks like she wishes I never existed and the divorce was my fault etc. But my dad would listen and never say anything. It did bother me as I was quite young (am still only 23 though, so this is still very fresh in my mind) and it be honest it did do quite a lot of damage mentally. I tried confronting my dad about this many times but he would never ever talk about it. Last year me and OH went back to my home country to announce we were expecting and I was so excited to tell my dad in person and we arranged a coffee date, just me and him, to which he didn't turn up because of 'work'. A few hours later he texted to say he was on his way back from work and he will come and say goodbye because we were leaving the next day. He turned up, not wearing his work uniform, of course he was with her.. and said 'we've just been shopping, I took the day off work'. Fine, I didn't ended up telling him until we got back home and I confronted him about how I was upset about him lying as this was very special news I wanted to tell him face to face. He then started an argument out of nowhere about how I am always causing drama and I won't leave him and his girlfriend alone, always getting inbetween and the reason i never got on with her and her daughter is because I have always been jealous that she's been more of a daughter to me than I have ever been. I was devastated. Year goes on, our beautiful LG was born and we ended up going back to my home country again for over a week in the summer so the family could see her. Typical again, DF didn't answer his phone until last minute and came up with every excuse under the sun not to meet with us and meet his granddaughter. He eventually came to meet with us and I requested for his girlfriend not to come because I simply did not want her around my daughter. For once he has respected my wishes and I thought things we're going to get better. When we were having a coffee, he said that the reason he couldn't meet with us earlier was because about 3 weeks ago he had 2 weeks off to spend with his girlfriend and couldn't have any more time off. He is self employed btw...And he knew we were coming about 2-3 months prior to this. I brushed this off and told him I would love for him to come to the christening to which he said 'no, your mother and her family will be there'. Time goes on and we are now planning our wedding. I messaged to ask if he could come as it would mean a lot to me (in my home country a wedding is about the father giving his daughter away and it is such a big deal for the father to be there no matter what) to which he replied 'no, I will not be coming but I wish you all the best.' I am devastated and don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle as I've always dreamt it would be my dad doing it. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't even know what to say back to him.

[LittleMissTeacup]

I’ve had two experiences in my immediate family, which have sadly shown me that it is very easy for a second wife and stepchildren to take priority over biological ones.
The only way to find peace is to step back and focus on the lovely family you’ve made for yourself and disconnect yourself from the situation.

[Ariadnepersephonecloud]

I agree with the poster who said your father is abusive and possibly disturbed. He has treated you badly most of your life and will treat your daughter the same way if they have a relationship. Personally I'd cut him out entirely and not look back.

[Honeyroar]

This man has been a truly dreadful father (probably was a dreadful husband too) and will be just as dreadful as a grandfather. Do not inflict that on your poor daughter! Follow your mother’s example and leave your father. You’ve tried, you’ve been lovely, but he is who he is (a useless shitbag). Even if he came to the wedding he’d cause a drama and wreck your day. Forget him. Concentrate on the positive people in your life that love you.

[Firstawake]

You lost him along time ago I'm afraid, no fault of your own.
He has put his feelings of bitterness above you.
Don't keep hurting yourself, he won't change.
Go and live your happiest life now

[TheBigFatMermaid]

Honestly, stop being the one to make the effort!
My 'Dad' was shit, to be fair! I tried and tried to maintain a relationship with him after he left my mum for the OW when I was 11.

It got to the point where I wasn't told my beloved Nanna had died until it was too late to attend her funeral. Then he sent my DD £10 in a card for her birthday. I rang and thanked him and he moaned about not knowing her interests, so he had to give cash instead of a present!

The only reason he wasn't closer to her (and me) was him and his wife! Every time I rang, she would answer and I would ask for dad and she would say 'What to you want?'. I never asked for anything, knowing I would be told no anyway!


I have felt so much better since cutting him from my life! I'm sure you will too. It's degrading and soul destroying to be the one always trying and getting no positive response back. Cut him loose and focus on those who care about you.

[Butterymuffin]

Fuck him, he doesn't deserve you. Get your mum to give you away instead.

[teddy55]

Thank you all. I think this is a lesson learned

[Gatehouse77]

I had a good long think about my relationship with my father when he walked out without a word to any of his children. He made minimal effort to stay in contact and would deflect any awkward questions that he couldn't answer because it highlighted what a shit father he was.

So, apart from the fact that he fathered me and, to be fair, did a good job of providing a home and material things he had very little to do with my life. He took no interest unless it suited him. Everything he said to me was negative.

Why would I want someone like that in my life? (I'm not into 'positive vibes' or any of that malarky.) I'm not the person he thinks I am because he never took the time to get to know me so I don't respect him, don't value his opinion and don't actually like him!

The sense of relief when I stopped contact was more than I expected. I view it as his loss not to have me and his grandchildren in his life. Because we're awesome! (joke!)

If you take out the 'father' aspect given how he behaves, is that someone you would choose to spend time with?

[BrickTop999]

He’s not really a father anymore. He gave that up years ago. I find it particularly sick that he resents you because you started to look like your mum ! How vile

Strike him from your life and be happy. He will die a lonely miserable old man

Have a great wedding with your mum giving you away

[JasonPollack]

He sounds like a horrible man who thrives on upsetting you. The best gift you can give yourself, forever, is to stop bothering with him. Stop trying to see him. Be sad that you don't have a relationship and greive for it, allow yourself to be sad about it. But don't try and see him, he isn't the father you deserve.

As for his relationship with your daughterwhy would you want someone who is so horrible to people who care about him around your daughter? Would you everr treat her as he has treated you? Once you are done being sad it is time to be angryhe has treated you badly and does not deserve you in his life.

Last, if you can afford it at all, some therapy would be very helpful to try and process your relationship. Parental rejection is one of the most harmful things to happen to the growing person. I feel for you, good luck

[Dollymixture22]

I think he fact hat he stayed silent while his girlfriend attacked you means he shouldn’t be in you or your daughters life.

He and he new girlfriend are clearly damaged, toxic people who will only bring hurt and disappointment.

I would write a final letter, expressing your sadness that your relationship with him has come to this point and wishing him the best with the rest of this life. No accusations, no criticisms of the girlfriend. Just a well penned goodbye. Then cut all lines of communication.

Then walk away, head held high.

[ShinyGiratina]

Stop making the effort. I'd keep FB as a channel for him to contact you, but restrict what he can see.

He's not a good dad/ granddad, so there is no point in hurting yourself being repeatedly rejected when you try to give him the chance to be. He has made his choices and you are both adults.

One day, he might mellow and mature a bit, especially if his relationship breaks up, and the chance for him to initiate contact could be good. But don't count on it, and don't chase him. Concentrate on your real family that cares.

You're free to choose who walks you up the aisle. It could be alone as an independent woman. It could be any other loved person. No one will think twice about it.

[Techway]

I think you are still trying to make sense of a man who is clearly emotionally unhealthy and toxic. It is understandable as we all assume our parents are "normal" until we become adults and realise they are not.

Do some research on toxic people as this will help you to understand his behaviours. He seems like the victim type.

You can't change him and can only change your reactions as he probadly thrives on your emotional reactions to his hurtful behaviours.

Mum walking you up the aisle will be lovely and think of Megan Markle!

[NearlyGranny]

People who um and er about whether they'll come to your wedding are power-hungry control freaks. You are better off without him, as is your daughter.

Even if he agreed to come, he'd find a way to spoil your day. People like him have to be centre-stage and don't do supporting roles, except to sabotage others' plans.

[LagunaBubbles]

I mean this in the nicest way but you are giving him chance after chance to hurt you all over again. So you need to stop. Why are you worrying about your DD not seeing him? Surely you don't want your DD emotionally damaged by him in the way you are? So what if he's your "father". He's emotionally abusing you OP.

[LannisterLion1]

He's not a dad in anyway shape or form. He's punished you for years and encouraged his girlfriend too as well. That's abusive and a foul way to treat anyone but especially a child.

He brings nothing to your life but stress, imagine him bringing that into your dds life.

I would unfollow if not unfriend on fb and definitely unfriend his gf if she's there. Let him come to you, but be prepared for him not too.

[Winesalot]

You sound like a woman who is free and independent. You don’t need anyone to walk you down the aisle in truth... unless you feel the need for someone to support you of course.

My father declined to come to two of his four kids weddings. I was one of them. My ‘sin’’? Not getting married in my home town but getting married in the town I lived in. And, my parents still lived together too.

I realized then that I was definitely my own person and that tradition of being walked down the aisle to be ‘given away’ was actually not at all relevant to my situation. And this was 30 years ago when it was very much part of the culture.

As far as contact, maybe don’t delete him from fb. But definitely go low contact. Let him know that you love him. He has issues he need to deal with and he does not seem to be able to look past them. But they are his issues.

Leave him to them and accept that your child may not get to know him. The way he is acting, do you want them to be involved with him anyway?

[trulyconfuseddotcom]

Hello - I understand how it feels to want a relationship with a father who is not interested in being a proper dad. Mine has been pretty distant and substandard for decades, yet still there was this (little girl) part of me that thought, if I keep trying, one day it will improve. And I desperately wanted my DD to have a caring grandfather too.

My DF also declined coming to my wedding a couple of years back. At the time I was very upset. But it turned out to be a powerful turning point for me, helping me realise that he would never, ever be there for me or my daughter and that I was chasing a fantasy. This freed me up to move on from that - I've had lots of therapy too which has been extremely helpful.

You've tried really hard with your DF. He is telling you loud and clear that he's a shit parent. He doesn't appreciate or deserve you or your children. It's hard to let go of the idea (dream) that you can somehow fix this and things will change, but they won't and you need to take control of your own life and move on. One day, he'll be old and perhaps come knocking on your door to look after him - going NC now is the best thing you can do for your own peace of mind.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

I‘m sorry, he’s a shit dad, and you’re clearly still hopeful he‘ll have some sort of epiphany and change. He won’t. Low contact would be my suggestion and zero expectations. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

[Stupiddriver1]

Your daughter isn’t going to have a good relationship with her grandfather regardless of whether or not you delete him off Facebook.

I’d certainly stop contacting him and leave the ball in his court.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Jeez, just get your mum to walk you down the aisle!
I'm sorry your father has turned out to be such a shit bag, but he has - and he clearly has little to no time for you, courtesy of his weakness in the face of his "girlfriend's" feelings - so seriously, fuck him.

He does not deserve your love, your respect or your contact - he's shown that he's not interested, take him at his word and fuck him off.

I KNOW he's your father and tradition and all that but he's blown it.
Box up your hurt and put it behind you - even if he came, he would bring Her and you don't want her there, I'm quite sure. Let it go.

[Brimful]

Sorry OP, but he doesn't care about you or love you the way a Dad should. I speak from experience.

Let him carry on with his life, don't make any more effort and I can only echo a PP, your DC won't be missing out because he's a shit and selfish person. Do you want your DC to feel as rejected as you have felt? He'd only let them down just as he's let you down.

Thank God he won't be at the wedding, he would utterly ruin your day.

[AlwaysCheddar]

What about a grandparent walking you down the aisle?

[mathanxiety]

Your father is a turd.
He is abusive, maybe even disturbed.

Cut him out of your life.
Stop trying to win his attention. He is enjoying your pain.

It will be hard for you, but you need to draw a line under the relationship and move on with your life without him. The best thing that could ever happen to your DD is never meeting her grandfather.

Choose good people to be your new 'chosen family'.

I would 100% cut all contact.
If you continue to post photos on FB in hopes that he will see them and realise what he is missing, what a nice woman you are and what a good mother, what a mistake he is making, you will still be living your life and turning your experience of motherhood into a rehash of all the pain of your relationship with him since he and your mother divorced. You will experience double the pain however, because he will reject your darling baby just in order to hurt you and that will feel like an ice pick to the heart.

Stop living your life in the context of the relationship with this toxic man. He has sucked you into his orbit - you will never know true peace until you have broken free of his gravitational pull.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I agree with just putting him on restrictive. Maybe hide his posts too. He’s bitter and angry with your mother and taking it out on you. How horrible for you.

He has found himself a narcissistic woman and her daughter to replace you both. Sorry, I know that is harsh to read. A decent woman would have put him back in his place. But maybe a decent woman wouldn’t have bothered with a bitter man. It sounds as if they’re a good match actually.

It will take time to really get your head around such a dramatic change. Your father sounds quite broken from the divorce and has in turn chosen to break you. As pps have said, you can choose to walk down the aisle however you want. Your fil to be, your mother, an uncle / aunt / cousin, your dp or even you alone are all options. Remember Prince Charles walked Meghan down the aisle.