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Original poster

To stop DD going on school trip?

43 replies

bananajelly · 22/11/2019 16:50

DD (aged 11) has a school trip coming up next year, it's her Year 6 residential trip, so will last 2 nights. The total cost of this is £285, plus extras we would have to buy, probably come to about £350 ish.

The problem is DD's behaviour has recently been shocking. Like really horrible. This is at school AND at home. I have told her if this behaviour continues, she will not be able to go on her trip. Behaviour did not change.

I mentioned to a few family members that I was thinking about not letting her go and they all basically told me it was a bad idea and that it would be cruel not to let her go.
My issue is she does not appreciate anything and doesn't seem to care when I gave the threat of not going - kind of like she really didn't care.

Please tell me, honestly, am I being a complete b*tch by contemplating not letting her go?

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 22/11/2019 16:52

Well now you’ve said it You should back it up.
What is she doing? Why do you think she’s playing up?

mbosnz · 22/11/2019 16:52

I don't think so. Not if the behaviour is both at home and at school. I couldn't trust her to behave herself and not put herself or someone else at risk as a result of her behaviour, so she would not be going. I'd be quite prepared to lose the money, rather than for bad behaviour to be rewarded.

birdling · 22/11/2019 16:53

That trip will be an important experience for her. Huge amount of learning about independence and a team building event. Don't make her miss out.
Find something less significant and more immediate to take away.

Branleuse · 22/11/2019 16:54

I wouldnt use a threat like that. This trip is a milestone event and surely youll appreciate the break?
Her behaviour needs to be tackled, but i think stopping her doung the trip is a bit excessive. Shes probably hormone central

carolinelucaseshandbag · 22/11/2019 16:55

Have you laid out any other consequences first? The school trip might be too abstract as it's a long way away so isn't necessarily the best incentive. Its a huge thing to stop her from doing, as her last primary residential.

Rainbowcolours1 · 22/11/2019 16:56

We charge £170 for a full week!! If her behaviour is that bad I'm surprised the school is willing to take her. You could ask for a meeting with the school to discuss if she's should go, that might make her realise it is serious.

DillyDilly · 22/11/2019 16:57

The school trip is too far away, you need something for now.

DillyDilly · 22/11/2019 16:59

If you tell her she can’t go on they trip, there won’t be any incentive to improve her behaviour and not going will only alienate her from her classmates.

Grasspigeons · 22/11/2019 17:02

Maybe break behaviour down into a couple of clear areas too as it might be a bit vague. Then work on them one at a time ( wth smaller incentives) The trip is a bit mske or break - she might be doing well in one area then let hrrself down and then once she knows its not booked, what incentive is there?
But i totally get why you'd feel like doing this!

MyDcAreMarvel · 22/11/2019 17:11

No you can’t punish her that far in advance , plus op reads like an excuse to save money.

FirstTicket · 22/11/2019 17:12

Maybe she really isn't too fussed about missing it like you said? I struggle with similar things with my DD (7). She doesn't care about any of the consequences of her bad behaviour, even if we take away her favourite things she'll say "oh well i have more things". We have reason to suspect ADHD however, but i'm not sure if that has any effect.

We were too poor for me to go on any school trips when i was young and i don't feel like i've missed a milestone, so it's not the end of the world if she doesn't go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/11/2019 17:14

The trip is too far off. You need immediate things. Also don’t sweat the smell stuff. My dd is 11 and in yr7. One minute she’s lovely, the next a demanding ogre. I tell her I don’t appreciate her behaviour and the when mood passes she apologises. If I punished her every time she would be worse not better IMO.

What sort of behaviour are we talking about here?

JacquesHammer · 22/11/2019 17:14

It isn’t a relevant consequence - it’s way too far in advance.

Have you thought about more immediate strategy?

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/11/2019 17:15

If her behaviour at school is that bad they might not let her go. That's what would happen at my grandson's school

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/11/2019 17:16

Whilst I see where you are coming from, please don't stop her going, it's a rite of passage for Primary School kids.

Original poster
bananajelly · 22/11/2019 17:16

'No you can’t punish her that far in advance , plus op reads like an excuse to save money.'

Not quite sure how my post reads like this, but this is absolutely not the case. This post is about her behaviour not saving money Hmm

Thank you to all replies, I am reading all and taking on board x

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 22/11/2019 17:17

Make the consequences more immediate. Tell her you were thinking about cancelling that trip now but you’ve decided to ground her instead and remove access to all devices (including the tv) for a set period time. Tell her clearly that if her behaviour doesn’t improve her Christmas presents will be returned next and then if it still doesn’t improve cancel the trip.

lookatthebabypenguin · 22/11/2019 17:19

What has she actually done?

Gatehouse77 · 22/11/2019 17:19

I'm from the "don't make empty threats or promises" brigade.

However, it is always possible to claw it back. Can you come up with an action plan for her to follow between now and the beginning of next term?

Pinkblueberry · 22/11/2019 17:21

I agree with pp that it wasn’t really a relevant consequence - it’s like telling a child in February that they’ll get no Christmas presents if they don’t behave. I think these residential trips are really valuable and they are part of education - you sometimes see a real change in some children afterwards in terms of confidence, maturity and behaviour. I think you were a bit off the mark using at as a tool for discipline and have backed yourself into a bit of a corner. I would let her go, and find a different and more immediate and effective consequence for discipline.

lookatthebabypenguin · 22/11/2019 17:22

Please tell me, honestly, am I being a complete btch by contemplating not letting her go?*

Yes, to answer your question, I think you are being a complete bitch.

Beechview · 22/11/2019 17:22

What has she been doing?

You need to find out what’s going on for her.
Sometimes punishments are not the answer.

Lindy2 · 22/11/2019 17:22

The year 6 residential is a big deal. Something the children remember for the rest of their lives.

I can never understand parents who take away significant events in children's lives as a consequence for bad behaviour ie birthday parties, school trips etc.

How bad is the behaviour? It would have to be absolutely extreme before I would consider refusing the residential trip as necessary. Surely there is a more appropriate consequence that you can apply that are more proportionate.

CravingCheese · 22/11/2019 17:25

I really do think that it depends on the behaviour.

But I also agree with a previous poster. If you take away the trip, why would she improve her behaviour?

Immediately felt consequences might be better....
But now that you‘ve already said it? Idk.
Maybe a chart about how she could earn it back?
But yet again, what kind of behaviour are we talking about?

1Morewineplease · 22/11/2019 17:27

As PPs have said, if her behaviour continues, the school may well give her a warning nearer the time and may well refuse to let her go.
It might be an idea to tell her this is a possibility but it’s best to keep any punishments more immediate, such as grounding or removal of screen time/ phone use.

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