To stop DD going on school trip?

[bananajelly]

DD (aged 11) has a school trip coming up next year, it's her Year 6 residential trip, so will last 2 nights. The total cost of this is £285, plus extras we would have to buy, probably come to about £350 ish.

The problem is DD's behaviour has recently been shocking. Like really horrible. This is at school AND at home. I have told her if this behaviour continues, she will not be able to go on her trip. Behaviour did not change.

I mentioned to a few family members that I was thinking about not letting her go and they all basically told me it was a bad idea and that it would be cruel not to let her go.
My issue is she does not appreciate anything and doesn't seem to care when I gave the threat of not going - kind of like she really didn't care.

Please tell me, honestly, am I being a complete b*tch by contemplating not letting her go?

I wouldn’t send her on the trip. I wouldn’t call it a punishment, just the consequence of the lack of maturity she is showing in her behaviour at the moment. I would put other, immediate consequences in place and I am sure you are doing that as well.

£350 for 2 nights???

Your daughter should realise that her actions have consequences. I would do it

It really is difficult to advise without knowing what she has done. Her behavior may seem bad to you but could be within the realm of normal teenage (raging hormone) antics.

I would liaise with the school if her behavior is not good there too. A school trip is a privilege that is earnt (at least that is what we were told at school!). Do they want her to go do you know?

Has she received any punishment now - at the time of the bad behavior - BTW?

I would say it depends on what you mean by her behaviour is shocking. What might be awful to you could seem minor to me. Any examples you could give?

However I agree if you have said she won’t be going based on her behaviour then you stick to it.

I general I'm a big advocate for sticking to what you say (even if you sometimes wish you hadn't said it!). Going back on your word teaches her that you aren't and a bit of a pushover.

That said, I agree with PP's that consequences need to be more immediate. You can't threaten her for the next year about the school trip - where do you go from there once you take that away? I would start smaller and at home - confiscate phone, no sweets, loss of screen time etc. for short spells of time. Keep it simple and make the boundaries very clear "if you do X, Y is going to happen. Ok, you did X again, so Y is happening for the rest of the evening/weekend".

Oh and to answer your question, no I don't think you would be a bitch at all for not letting her go when the time comes if her behaviour is still poor. Trips are important and valuable but so are consequences and learning to behave properly.

I don’t think that cancelling a trip that is so far away as to almost be theoretical at that age, is going to be any use as a behaviour management option.

That’s before I even get into whether I’d choose trip cancellation as a punishment.

It’s just too far away.

She's 11 for goodness sake - a trip that far ahead is almost like 10 percent of her life to date! she can't think that far ahead. You need more immediate punishment that will motivate her - like no electronics if her behaviour does not improve or removal of her phone after school.
Please don't make her miss out of this important opportunity.

Ridiculous. If you tell we can’t go-I can almost guarantee her behaviour will be atrocious as a result-probably for months and months. The y6 trip is a big deal. You need to implement better and more immediate behaviour strategies.

Op if it’s not partly due to the cost then why mention it?

I'd cancel it now, she will only get kicked off for poor behaviour if she continues as she is and there's a chance you could end up losing money.

Thank you all for the replies. I agree, a more immediate punishment is required rather than one in the future, didn't even think of it that way. The trip is in February, so only a few months away, but regardless I do think I maybe shouldn't threaten with something so far in advance.

Thank you all again, I really appreciate it. I'm just feeling so down with how she is behaving. Probably nothing majorly drastic but she knows she is doing wrong.

Anyway, appreciate the (useful) replies

Even though it is a big deal the school will refuse to take her if her behaviour is as bad as you say, so it may not be a sanction that is within your hands. And she's already saying it wouldn't bother her, so telling her she can't go isn't going to be effective. If it's moodiness, door slamming etc, remember that puberty is a really difficult time and focus on actual instances of bad behaviour, not on the occasional outburst of temper.

I don't see anything wrong with telling her that if she carries on like this she won't be able to go. You could also do something more immediate.

What do you think is causing her poor behaviour, if anything? Could it be something professionals could help with? I have ADHD with autistic features, but no-one ever would've guessed. I was academic and extrovert, but socially completely incompetent, struggled with my emotions, sometimes disruptive etc etc. I wasn't diagnosed until very recently, in my 40s.

It must be something majorly drastic for you to contemplate stopping her going on the trip in the first place, surely?

Also if she is going through a bit of a phase and sorts herself out, she has missed the place for something she did a year ago.

I would give her the opportunity to earn it back. The problem you have now is that she doesn’t have the motivation to behave because she has a punishment coming up in 6 months time

I think you are being reasonable. Plenty of notice, plenty of time to have changed behaviour.