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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to help my boyfriends mum...

31 replies

BsGirl85 · 22/11/2019 16:05

Hi All,

Relatively new relationship, was invited back to his house to spend some time together,

And oh my god,

His mum has literally let the house talk apart around her, damp everywhere, doors literally split in 2.

His bed is the same one he was sleeping in when he was 11, there has literally been no maintenenace done in the house for 26 years!

So, wise mumsnetters, is there a certain standard of living that the council are obliged to meet as the house has never been repaired or updated in the 26 years they have been there,

Bf says his mum knows the place is a mess, but refuses to do anything about it.

How can I get her the help she needs and who do I contact with the concern?

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Howyiz · 22/11/2019 16:07

A new relationship? It's none of your business. Your 'boyfriend' is what 37? If his mum needs help, he can help her.

Ellisandra · 22/11/2019 16:09

Not sure about his mum, but you could help yourself (to avoid a lot of heartache in future) by not being a “Rescuer”.

His old bed is nothing to do with the council. If he’s old enough to have a girlfriend, he’s also old enough to replace his own bed.

His mum will know if maintenance is due from the council schedule. If she doesn’t - a. MH issue perhaps - then let her son step in to help his own mother.

Honestly, I might gently ask him if he knows he can expect certain things from the council (though not a new bed!) then leave it at that.

Ellisandra · 22/11/2019 16:10

OMG @Howyiz I’d missed doing the maths on that!! He’s 37?!

Oh OP, do not he a rescuer.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2019 16:13

Why would you be the person to do something about this? According to the numbers, your boyfriend is almost 40 years old. What the hell has he done and why is he still living with mummy at his age? His home should be the least of your concerns.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 22/11/2019 16:13

Has he lived there all his life ...?! Surely as an adult living in shared accommodation, some of the responsibility is his - definitely not yours.

Original poster
BsGirl85 · 22/11/2019 16:15

He says his mother won’t let him do anything about it, she doesn’t answer the door to anyone, only disappears out for 2 hours a day,

OP posts:
sleepingdogssnore · 22/11/2019 16:16

Surely he's 26?

But yes he could help out or buy a new adult bed assuming he's working ? The damp, it's a tricky one. Could be something like blocked gutters or lack of double glazing (if that applies) Or things like not opening windows and drying washing on radiators. I doubt the council clean gutters, but if the roof is leaking that's something the mother should report. If the gutters are accessible then get your boyfriend up there to take a look clear out the leaves. Other than that I'd sort of question why he hasn't tried to help before. I don't think the mother will welcome you interfering unless she asks for help. And do you really want to be taking all this on? It could be intense.

Lllot5 · 22/11/2019 16:16

Not up to you to rescue them really. Let them sort themselves out. How old is he?
Not sure not having any work done for 26 years and same bed since 11 necessarily equals 37?

MeadowHay · 22/11/2019 16:17

You can't do anything about. DH and I learned this the hard way, his mum is a hoarder, also living in squalid council housing. If they don't want to do anything about it, you can't do anything about it. She has a personality disorder and mental health problems. Everyone has given up now.

DeathStare · 22/11/2019 16:20

This is absolutely none of your business.

And before you go any further in your relationship with your boyfriend, just remember...... there are TWO adults who live in the property, which means that there are TWO adults who have chosen to live like that. This isn't just a problem in his mum. It's a problem in him too.

If he had wanted to replace his bed he could have done. If he had wanted to replace the split doors he could have done. If he had wanted to do something about the damp he could have chased this up with the landlord/council. He is choosing to live like this. He is (I assume) a capable adult and is choosing to live like this rather than doing anything about it.

And if you continue this relationship, one day he will be living in a house with you and he will be doing fuck all there too, and shrugging his shoulders and blaming you for any jobs that haven't been done.

Run. Run for the hills.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 22/11/2019 16:21

This is so very far from being your business I can’t even fathom how you think you should be diving head first into sorting it!

You’ve been to the house once and you’ve decided to get the council involved to turn their lives around? Are you for real? Do you not have a hobby?

This is who they are. Do you really think they’ve been sitting scratching their heads their entire lives wondering how to fix their house waiting for someone to sort it for them? Hardly. This is how they want to live. The house will still be like this long after he’s forgotten your surname.

tabulahrasa · 22/11/2019 16:23

“is there a certain standard of living that the council are obliged to meet as the house has never been repaired or updated in the 26 years they have been there”

If there’s no scheduled upgrades due, then it’s up to the tenant to report repairs that the council is obligated to do.

That doesn’t include beds btw and damp only if it’s someyhing that’s caused by something that should be repaired, ie something has broken and is causing it.

AdaColeman · 22/11/2019 16:23

Leave well alone, let them deal with their own lives in the way they want to.

This is a new relationship and a new situation for you, don't rush into getting involved, no one will thank you if you do.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 22/11/2019 16:24

And btw- this is his choice too! He’s an adult and hasn’t bought himself a bed to replace his childhood one? Hmm that tells me he either doesn’t care (so why would you fix it?) or he doesn’t work/is bad with money.

None of those 3 options make him a catch.

MrsApplepants · 22/11/2019 16:27

This really isn’t up to you to fix and I’d be concerned that your boyfriend hasn’t shown any initiative in getting anything sorted himself.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 22/11/2019 16:40

Are you Nick Knowles?

holly40 · 22/11/2019 16:43

As a new partner, it's not really your place to get involved in sorting out their house maintenance. I'd leave it alone. And probably not be very keen to stay there again.

EmmiJay · 22/11/2019 16:45

Tuh! OP, I don't care how great the peen is do not invest in this relationship. I feel the standards they're living in, and refusal to do anything about it, will only be the tip of the iceberg. However, if you want to help then fill your boots but...its going to be alot!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/11/2019 16:59

It’s not up to you to do anything about this - he‘s a grown man, so why hasn’t he sought to fix the house or to move out?

Run away, fast, now.

messolini9 · 22/11/2019 17:08

Um ... "his mum" has let the house fall down around her?
Is he not a grown adult, whose house it is too?

If he didn't want to live like this, he wouldn't.
Why do you feel his life choices are entirely his mum's responsibility - & why are you looking to take that responsibility on for yourself?

Far better to go out with a guy who shares your own standards & outlook, than to get one who doesn't, & imagine you can change him. You will end up either carry all the responsibility or resentfully accepting his standards because - guess what - you can't change him,

Needtogetmyselftogether · 23/11/2019 18:20

He might not be 26 either, maybe that is when the mum moved in and he was born after.
Still, if she doesn't let her son do anything in the house I doubt very much she will let you.
I would be very put off by a grown up living like this - he could've moved out right?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/11/2019 18:25

I’d be reconsidering whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was so passive.

Dazedandconfused10 · 23/11/2019 18:27

It's not for you to fix. If Its a council property and she doesn't report maintenance that needs to be done (that's under their remit) they're not mind readers, they won't know.

GlassSuppers · 23/11/2019 18:38

OP this is none of your business.

Back away.

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/11/2019 19:30

I look be in a HA house (previously council) and it states in my tenancy that I am responsible for regularly decorating. If the council find out its in a state, she risks losing her tenancy.

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