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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL battling my parenting

32 replies

mumsince2018 · 22/11/2019 10:18

We moved into DH's parents around 2 months ago, they are really welcoming and we have settled in well. Anyway his mum has a tendency to battle my parenting. For example I'll give my son a toy (he's 20 months) and she will take it away from him saying it's not safe or her husband will give him a toy and she will say the same to him and it will annoy me because I wouldn't of let him have the toy if it wasn't safe! She's also been bugging me to get my son potty trained. He's not ready at all and it something I fell strongly about because I know if your force a child into potty training when they're not ready it can put them off of it. Anyway so she came home from work last night with a potty she had brought and tried sitting my son on to it he wasn't interested so walked off. He started to poo and she went to my husband 'quick get him on the potty!' And he turned round and said 'no mum he's not ready' and she went off in a huff. I just feel really inferior around her and I can't disagree with what she says. To be honest she scares me a little! I'm just getting little fed up and the thought of staying here for the next year or two makes me anxious because of it. Am I being petty or would this annoy you aswell?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 22/11/2019 10:21

Why did you move in with them?
Move straight back out!

Jeds55 · 22/11/2019 10:27

It would annoy me too. My MIL keeps on that DD (also 20 months) should be potty trained really soon blah blah, I just ignore or say she's not ready but then I dont live with her (thank god). Any option to move out? If not nip this in the bud straight away - you and particularly DH need to repeat we'll decide when/if/ what etc. Also, I know you live with them but try remain as independent as possible - e.g cook oen dinners, don't use MIL for free, on hand childcare etc. Not sure what circumstances of you living together are but basically mark clear boundaries - you are the parents

Jeds55 · 22/11/2019 10:27

And move out asap

EatDessertFirst · 22/11/2019 10:28

Move back out!! It'll only get worse.

Original poster
mumsince2018 · 22/11/2019 10:28

We had no choice really, was struggling to pay rent even though we did pay the rent we had next to nothing after that. I guess I'll just have to stand my ground more and grin and bear it. It's so bad when she comes through the door I'm like 'oh great' I feel so bad but that's how I feel it's just a constant battle

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 22/11/2019 10:31

They are in the wrong but wtf do you expect if you are living with them?! Your MIL will be all territorial and odd because it’s her house her rules or some six BS.

iano · 22/11/2019 10:31

Show her the Nhs potty training advice. Confirms she's starting too early. Tell her you guidelines have changed since she had children.

Wattagoose90 · 22/11/2019 10:36

Think your husband needs to have a quiet word. Something along the lines of "I'm so grateful, you've really thrown us a lifeline letting us move in but you have to let us parent in our own way. I completely respect that you've brought your own children up and done a great job, so of course we'll ask you for advice when we need it, but you need to let us make decisions when it comes to the little one".

Nip it in the bud early before it comes unbearable?

MarthasGinYard · 22/11/2019 10:37

Move out

Sounds unbearable

Original poster
mumsince2018 · 22/11/2019 10:41

Yeah I think I might get my husband to have a word with her- thanks for everyone's advice and suggestions!

OP posts:
HaveIgoneMad · 22/11/2019 10:42

Definitely stick to your guns on the potty training, I stupidly followed others advice and allowed myself to be pressured into starting potty training at 18 months......caused No end of issues and my daughter didn't end up being potty trained until she was just over 3 and a half. I will definitely be waiting until my youngest is showing signs of readiness this time.
As for the toys, again I think you'll have to stand up for your son a bit just hand the toy back and say he's absolutely fine with it MIL - I do know how to take care of my son. Luckily it sounds like your husband is on your side with this so hopefully she will get the message to step back a little. It isn't easy living with parents/in laws unfortunately.

Confusedbeetle · 22/11/2019 10:43

Are you paying no rent? Rather changes the power dynamics. Move out and be independent

victoria0132 · 22/11/2019 10:44

They're being kind enough to let you stay for two years (?!) rent free! It's going to hard for them to share their space too and I'm sure she means well even if it comes across wrong. A small word from your husband about boundaries but don't fall out over it as you need to remember they're massively helping you out here.

Original poster
mumsince2018 · 22/11/2019 10:49

No we are paying rent £500 a month. No places in our area are going for £500 a month £1000 minimum if you're lucky. I cook all the dinners and tidy up after our son and do general house work like washing clothes,dishes. So we aren't just taking them for granted we do as much as we can..I just wanted to clear that up for some people

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 22/11/2019 10:56

I think that living under those circumstances and knowing it could be a year or two, would be bad for your mental well-being. I think a sit down discussion, with everyone round the table is needed.

GojuRyuLover · 22/11/2019 11:12

You are the parents and you decide what is best for your DS. You can thank your MIL for being concerned but assure her that you and your DH know what's best for your child?
Like pp have said, you need to have clear boundaries before your MIL gets out of control.

Best of luck!

Clangus00 · 22/11/2019 11:22

Move areas to somewhere cheaper?
Try and rent a 1 bedroom place and save up?
I certainly wouldn't remain staying there, it'll get worse before it gets better.

sillysmiles · 22/11/2019 11:33

Focus on what you can control. This is a short term arrangement and focus on saving as much money as possible while you are there.

Speak to your husband, he already sees it and is trying to stop it, but he might need a bit of support in doing that.

When you moved in, did you - the 4 adults (you, your DH, MIL and FIL) sit down and establish any ground rules? I think this is key.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/11/2019 11:44

Even when mine were small decades ago it was acknowledged that most children are are not physiologically ready for potty training - I.e. they don't have the necessary control - until at least 2.

Having said that, rather earlier potty training than nowadays was common for a previous generation and very often it did work fine. Mine were both trained at very soon after 2 - it took just a week both times, but a week of constant vigilance and encouragement - parents who work full time or most of the time, just don't have that option - and nursery staff don't have time for individual training.

There was also far more incentive previously, when nappies had to be washed and dried, especially in winter when tumble dryers were rare.
With disposables it's very easy to leave it that much longer. Both my Gdcs were coming up to 3.

Original poster
mumsince2018 · 22/11/2019 11:53

@sillysmiles
Well when we first moved in I kept going to my husband 'I really don't want your mum to take over your with our son I still want our time with him and not to be pushed out' and he did relay this to his mum and she said to me after they had w chat they shouldn't do what I relayed to my husband. But she is doing it. It font think she's doing it out of spite I think she's just trying to be helpful but it's just a little suffocating? She is a little bit 'in your face' like if my husband goes out she has the app find my friends and asks him where he is at 12 at night (normally he's just popped to the shops) he's 23 nearly 24! It's definitely something that needs to be sorted though

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 22/11/2019 12:01

She's reverting to parenting mode with her son. That's enough of a problem without her trying to parent your son too. Is moving out really not an option?

MsVestibule · 22/11/2019 12:24

Are you a similar age to your DH? If so, I can see how hard it would be to stand up to her. (I'm in my late 40s and still find it difficult to stand up to my parents, mainly because of the hurt/angry reaction I get 🙄.). She will see you both as children, knowing nothing about child rearing, whereas she has years of parenting experience that she can 'share' with you.

I can only suggest you practice some stock phrases like 'thank you, but I'm happy for him to play with that' and 'I have said before that we're not planning on potty training yet'. All said politely and firmly.

And save as hard as you possibly can. Do you both work? If so, does she ever provide childcare?

Auberjean · 22/11/2019 14:33

She is being unreasonable, although I am assuming you keep a nappy on him.

Original poster
mumsince2018 · 22/11/2019 18:21

@Auberjean
Yes he's always in a nappy lol unless it's bath time and he runs round naked for around 5 mins!
@MsVestibule
I'm 21,22 in March so he's only 2 years older than me. And yes I know where you're coming from. She's 58 she had children quite late and boast that her eldest daughter was potty trained by age 1. I'm a stay at home work everyone else in the house works she only looks after my son if I'm cooking or if me and my husband are out which isn't normally long. But thankyou for your helpful suggestions I will try being polite but firm!

OP posts:
SmileyGiraffe · 23/11/2019 14:41

I'm confused. If you can't afford to live independently, how did you come to the conclusion you can afford a child?

No wonder the country is fucked.

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