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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs new partner.

49 replies

Toefluff12 · 22/11/2019 07:29

My ex and I have always promised that when either of us get a new partner that we want to introduce to our son then we would meet up to meet them first without our son.
My ex has a new partner. He's refusing to arrange a meeting and trying to force it on our very reluctant son.
AIBU to stand firm on the promise and not sway it for him.
Am I wrong to want to meet/know the person that will be spending every other weekend with my son?

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 22/11/2019 07:43

Well...this is very difficult...how old is your son? The thing is, you both have the right as parents to introduce your son to whoever you like.

He can introduce your son to anyone...you can't stop him. Same with you...how long has he been seeing her?

NoSauce · 22/11/2019 07:44

Why do want to meet her first?

MiddleClassProblem · 22/11/2019 07:45

How old is your son and how long have you been separated/divorced?

PrincessPain · 22/11/2019 07:46

Its something not within your control.
Your ex should listen to his son if he genuinely doesn't want to meet her, but it's not up to you no matter what your previous discussions were.
What if you meet her and hate her, it will make no difference, your ex will still be dating her and she'll still be spending every other weekend with your son.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 07:47

How old is your son and how long have they been together?

You don't really get a choice unfortunately but if your son doesn't want to meet her he really shouldn't be forced. It will put an instant grey cloud over any potential relationship.

Babyg1995 · 22/11/2019 07:50

Ive been with husband 4 years never met stepsons mum I don't want to either and she feels the same about me she trusts husband enough to know I'm a good person.

chipsandgin · 22/11/2019 07:51

It’s a bit shitty as he had that agreement with you & is going back on it. Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same? It depends how old your son is in terms of his independence - although every child should have a choice and he shouldn’t be able to force him.

Perhaps he can speak to his Dad about it? What do you know about her - can you contact her?

AuntieStella · 22/11/2019 07:55

He's changed his mind, and there is nothing whatsoever you can do about it. You cannot set limits on who he can seewhen DC is with him any more than he can set them on you.

Just keep talking, and it might help if you can explain a little more about what both you and his new DP each stand to gain from meeting each other, and why this is in DC's interests. Even though you may feel that should go without saying, it can be persuasive tolay it out n terms that show clear benefits.

However, try not to make this a particular bone of contention, because it's a row you cannot win.

JacquesHammer · 22/11/2019 07:56

Whilst I think it’s a courteous thing to do, neither of you are under any obligation.

Standing firm on the promise will only cause further resentment.

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/11/2019 07:58

I think it’s polite but you can’t force him if he doesn’t want to, and my guess is your ex probably only agreed to it because he wants to meet your partner. When you meet your new partner make sure you extend the (dis)curtesy.

Tminus3days · 22/11/2019 07:59

He shouldn't have gone back on his promise but there's nothing you can do about it and honestly, there really is no reason for you to meet her. I have met DH's ex wife now but I don't think I'd met her before we moved in together and I definitely hadn't met her before I met DSD. I'd find it weird tbh.

How old is your DS? Is there a particular reason he doesn't want to meet her? I'd be more concerned with that than with you meeting her tbh.

autumnwintersummer · 22/11/2019 08:28

What do you think a meeting will achieve? If you don't like her it's not like you can say that you don't want him to date her or for her to be around when he has your son.
I think it would be very awkward to arrange a meeting like this, can you imagine him saying to her 'hey I just need to take you to visit my ex so she can decide whether you're good enough to be my partner and be around my son'. If I was her I would not want to be vetted by you in this way.

Original poster
Toefluff12 · 22/11/2019 09:35

This is a bit of a weird one as his new partner is someone he lived with as friends when we got back together a while ago.
She hated me without even meeting me and did not want me in the flat.
The one time I did meet her it was with a group of other people, she wouldn't look at me but spoke badly of me loud enough for me to be able to hear
This was a long time ago and I do not hold any grudges, I'd just like to meet her to clear the air from the past.
My son is 4. His dad and I broke up soon after he was born. We have been in and out of each others lives for 26 years.

OP posts:
WooMaWang · 22/11/2019 09:39

If you've already met her, I'm not sure why you think you need to meet up with them.

That's completely separate to your son's reluctance. It's not useful to elide the issues.

Tminus3days · 22/11/2019 09:48

I get the idea behind wanting to clear the air but realistically I don't think you meeting her again will change how she feels. It seems she has already formed a negative opinion of you, presumably based on what your ex has told her. Really you're not actually going to see her that much. If she stays in your son's life then you may see her for the odd birthday party (depending on your setup of course), the occasional handover and then big events when he's an adult.

But that's such a rare occurrence that I don't see how any good can come of meeting her. Plus as PP says it would be awfully weird for her if your ex tells her she needs to meet you. What would happen if you can't clear the air?

Original poster
Toefluff12 · 22/11/2019 09:53

I feel this issue is being exaggerated by all of you thinking I'm out to get her, which is certainly not the case at all.
I want to clear the air wih her. Not vet her or criticise her, or tell her she's not good enough to spend time with him. Just to say let's leave the past issues behind and be civil for the sake of my son.
The fact my son doesn't want to meet her is my main issue. His happiness is my main priority and his dad trying to force the meeting is upsetting him.
Chill out though guys. You don't need to be so aggressive in you replies when I'm not going to force anything. Was just wondering what people thought on the subject.
Thanks for your input though

OP posts:
Original poster
Toefluff12 · 22/11/2019 09:55

If the past could not be resolved hen it would be my sons choice as to whether he wants to go and stay with them.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 22/11/2019 09:59

Sorry, your son is four, how did he decide he didn't want to meet or spend time with someone? You must have put that idea in his head I'm afraid, which was wrong of you.

MashedSpud · 22/11/2019 09:59

So he lived with this woman as “friends” and she hated you without meeting you.

Are you sure he wasn’t lying and you ended up the ow?

Infinityandbeyondthestars · 22/11/2019 10:00

Sorry but you can't force her to meet with you. She obviously doesn't want to for whatever reason, and frankly there is not a lot you can do about it. When he is with his dad, the dad can introduce whoever he wants.

Why doesn't your 4 year old want to meet her? Have you said anything to him?

Also contact at 4 should not be dictated by a 4 year old but by his parents, he is too young to make a decision on whether he spends time with his dad.

WooMaWang · 22/11/2019 10:00

I don't think anyone has been aggressive here.

It does sound that you wanting to meet up 'to clear the air' is all about you and nothing else. Your agreement with your ex is not relevant where you've already met someone. And there is no actual need for 'air clearing' here.

From your posts here (and the saying that PP have been aggressive because they don't agree with you), I do wonder how much you are getting involved and possibly creating some of your son's feelings about meeting his dad's new GF. I don't know, but I think it might be useful for you to reflect on that.

justilou1 · 22/11/2019 10:04

So if I’m right, she had a thing for him before you came along and “ruined his life”? Why did she have an issue with you from the beginning?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 10:06

Can you just message your ex and say "I'm glad you're happy and don't want any awkwardness so can we all just agree that the past is the past and agree to get on for the sake of DS?"

BillHadersNewWife · 22/11/2019 10:07

Your son doesn't want to meet her? How did a 4 year old come up with an opinion on the subject?

You tell a 4 year old "Daddy's friend is going to be there today, her name's Anne, that will be nice won't it?"

In order to keep them feeling safe and secure.

NoCauseRebel · 22/11/2019 10:07

If the past could not be resolved hen it would be my sons choice as to whether he wants to go and stay with them. no, it wouldn’t and absolutely shouldn’t.

Your son has absolutely no bearing on the past and has no need to have any knowledge of it, and neither should he get to decide at four whether he wants to stay with his dad and his partner.

Whatever the issue is between you and this woman you need to keep your son out of it. And stop coaching him to not wanting to meet her, because the only way he can have reached that decision is if you have been putting ideas in his head.

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