Page 2 | Exs new partner.

Toefluff12 · 2019-11-22T07:29:21+00:00

My ex and I have always promised that when either of us get a new partner that we want to introduce to our son then we would meet up to meet them first without our son. My ex has a new partner. He's refusing to arrange a meeting and trying to force it on our very reluctant son. AIBU to stand firm on the promise and not sway it for him. Am I wrong to want to meet/know the person that will be spending every other weekend with my son?

Original poster

Toefluff12 · 22/11/2019 10:07

I have been encouraging my son to go see his father. The fact he brought him home the last time he had him, telling him he didn't want my son to meet his girlfriend may have put the idea in my sons head. I've done nothing to influence his decision at all. I didn't even know about the new girlfriend at that point.

OP posts:

newnameforthis76 · 22/11/2019 10:09

I'd just like to meet her to clear the air from the past

That sounds like a terrible idea to be honest. I'm not really sure how you think that will benefit your child - he either wants to meet her or he doesn't. You meeting her first isn't going to change that. If you already have an acrimonious past with this woman, I'm not sure that meeting up with her is going to achieve anything.

From what you've said about her reaction to you, I strongly suspect your ex was actually having some kind of relationship with her before he met you, even if it was just a 'friends with benefits' thing.

BillHadersNewWife · 22/11/2019 10:09

What did he mean? Did he give your son a reason?

aSofaNearYou · 22/11/2019 10:19

I never understand why people do this - how could you and your ex make an agreement that you will get to meet a hypothetical third person? You forgot when you made the agreement that the main person who would have to agree to this meeting is her, not you or your ex, and she clearly doesn't want to. It's not in either of your power to force her to.

You can encourage your ex to be gentle when it comes to your son's feelings but other than that you can't force anything.

FrivolousPancake · 22/11/2019 10:28

I think you’re mad, leave them to it.
You either trust your sons father or you don’t. You don’t need to clear the air, it’s their relationship and you need to step back and focus on yourself.

I’ve been in your situation, I know how hard it is but retain your dignity and busy your mind elsewhere

30to50FeralHogs · 22/11/2019 10:34

I'd just like to meet her to clear the air from the past

Oh no no no!

You can clear the air by just letting them get on with their relationship. letting her build a connection with your DS as well, and staying out of it. You will naturally cross paths at some point, but making a big deal of it now and then (it comes across as) withholding contact for DS until he agrees to introduce you, can only cause trouble.

If he introduces her to you before his DS he’s essentially saying that you’re more important in this situation than DS, which won’t cause harmonious relationships between you and new DP, it will make her resentful of you.

I’d put money on there being an overlap when you were together or recently split and trying to reconcile etc when he was also with her. That’s why she was off with you and that’s why he doesn’t want your to meet up now.

He agreed to it previously as he was probably wanting to keep involved in your life, not for you to have a say in his!

You don’t have a legal leg to stand on if you try and force this. You may argue that you have a moral one, but even then, that only stands if you push the “we agreed” angle. In reality there’s nothing to be gained from you meeting her before your son does. i think it’s fine to stay you want to meet her at some point so you know who your son is spending time with, but tbh that could be any time.

If my DP had insisted I meet his ex before his DCs I’d have put off meeting any of them and probably run a mile instead!

Andysbestadventure · 22/11/2019 10:35

Your son is four. How does he have even the faintest idea he is meeting anyone other but his dad's new friend? Have you told him who she is? Had his Dad? One of you has put something in his head.

Wattagoose90 · 22/11/2019 10:40

On your side OP, I don't think it sounds unreasonable, in fact it sounds like this is in the best interests of your son.

CAG12 · 22/11/2019 10:43

I may have missed this, but how long has your ex been with her? I think this is more important. Id be more concerned with him introducing a lot of different women. If they've been together for a while and they're pretty set I see no issue.

You dont have to like her.

30to50FeralHogs · 22/11/2019 10:43

Oh and I’ve been on all 4 sides of this situation - the new DP, the ex’s DP, meeting my ex’s DP and introducing my own kids to my ex my DCs!!

Only one of those was in any way uncomfortable and it was his ex insisting she meet me.

It wasn’t before I met the kids but shortly after. I felt like I was under scrutiny and her first words were apparently “well DD1 has certainly taken a shine to her” as she saw her run up to me for a hug. She managed to spur the first few years of our relationship with her insistence about what I was and was not allowed to do when her DCs visited me because “I’m not their mum“.

Meeting my ex’s GF happened naturally at drop off one day, no drama. She seemed lovely and my DCs already spent time with her and clearly liked her. The fact that she then stole money off my ex and never saw the DCs again was really sad for all of them, especially my DD, but me meeting her earlier wouldn’t have prevented any of that!!

I know it’s coming from a place of wanting to protect your DS but there’s nothing you can do to control the relationships he has outside of your home (and when he’s older, inside of it too!). At 4 he’s too young to decide if he wants to spend time with someone or not. Anyone taking his attention from his dad will automatically cause some tension and jealousy. That doesn’t mean his dad shouldn’t have a GF, just that he needs to manage it properly.

Whattodoabout · 22/11/2019 10:45

Meeting her first is really weird and kind of controlling, what will you actually obtain from this? She could act one way with you and actually be a completely different person when you’re not around. You won’t gain anything from meeting her before your son does.

You can’t do anything about this, it’s something you need to accept when you separate from your child’s other parent.

Bibidy · 22/11/2019 11:26

The fact my son doesn't want to meet her is my main issue. His happiness is my main priority and his dad trying to force the meeting is upsetting him.

In the nicest way possible, your son is only 4 and must be picking negative vibes up about meeting this woman. 4-year-olds don't understand the concept of girlfriends so in his mind is should be daddy's friend joining them for a day out - that would not usually be an issue for a child of that age.

He will be happy as long as you're happy. If you can pretend to be happy that he's going for a nice day with his dad and his dad's 'friend' then he will very likely become more positive about it.

As for meeting her, why bother? It will only make you feel worse if you come away not liking her. There isn't really anything you can achieve, especially if you already think she doesn't like you. As long as she is kind to your son, it will be fine.

Bibidy · 22/11/2019 11:33

I never understand why people do this - how could you and your ex make an agreement that you will get to meet a hypothetical third person? You forgot when you made the agreement that the main person who would have to agree to this meeting is her, not you or your ex, and she clearly doesn't want to. It's not in either of your power to force her to.

Totally.

There is absolutely no way I would have agreed to meet my partner's ex prior to meeting his kids, or even after. I am not there to be vetted by her, she doesn't have the power to 'sign me off' for contact with the kids. It was down to my partner to decide when everyone was ready for that step, and his ex had to trust he would make a good decision.

We have since met a couple of times at drop-off and have said hello, had chats, and it was fine. But I would absolutely not have let her demand to meet me in the first place.

RollOnNextYear · 22/11/2019 11:35

My dhs ex wanted to meet me the day I met his dd.. But after I met her? Bizzare.
I thought OK no problem. We were taking his dd home. She literally opened the car door to get hiss dd out and said not a word. Just glared at me.
I just said hi nice to meet you. And she shut the door.
I think it was some power trip to see if we'd jump thro hoops for her.. She's since shown this to be true

When my ex got with his now wife. I didn't want to meet her. It had nothing ewally to do with me as long as ds is cared for which I had no doubt about he was 2.5. Then

In the nicest way you don't need to meet her. And I can't understand why a 4yr old would be saying that unless things have been discussed in front of him.

FuckKnowsMate · 22/11/2019 11:47

Oh god I remember when DPs ex demanded to meet me. Sent me messages saying I needed to suck it up and meet her. Honestly I didn’t see the point, whether she liked me or not I was still gonna be with my DP and around her daughter.

However it wasn’t that long ago that a poster started a thread as the mum saying she didn’t want to meet her ex’s new partner as she didn’t see the point and everyone was jumping down her throat saying she needed to grow up and meet her! Bizarre.

MsConstrue · 22/11/2019 11:47

My thoughts on this:

Your son has no choice but to see his father. And you are obliged to ensure this happens. Once he's a teenager then he can make his choice. He's 4 - he'll be fine, you can't pander to him.

I can't understand why you would want to meet the new partner, but you certainly have no right to insist on it. I haven't met my ex's new partner and he's been with her 4 years. He only met mine by accident. You have to let go a bit I'm afraid.

Your ex is your ds's father and you have to trust that he'll do the right thing and just leave them to it.

MsConstrue · 22/11/2019 11:48

(and from the other side, my ex's views on my partner are irrelevant to me. There's no way I would have sat them down together before introducing my dp to my children. No way at all. )

KaptenKrusty · 22/11/2019 11:51

Such a non issue tbh - you meeting her beforehand is so pointless as well! Just move on with your life and leave them to it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2019 12:14

telling him he didn't want my son to meet his girlfriend

Hang on, I'm confused, does your ex want your DS to meet his new girlfriend or not?

And you meeting her to 'clear the air' is utterly pointless if she doesn't want to meet you.

All you can do is suggest to your ex that he spends quality time with his son on a one-to-one basis. Poor kid is probably feeling very confused and stressed about who his loyalties should be with. He doesn't need any more pressure from either of you.

Stop insisting on meeting her and jus let contact continue as normal.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/11/2019 12:16

So you have already met her. He did keep his end of the bargain up really.

The issue is just your DS doesn’t feel ready. Someone is putting pressure on this meeting to DS and making it seem like a big deal when it doesn’t need to be. I’m sure your DS has met plenty of grown ups in the last 4 years without it making him feel like this.

dontlickthelamp · 22/11/2019 12:16

Why doesn’t your son want to meet her?

spanglydangly · 22/11/2019 12:44

It doesn't really matter what you agreed, if the new partner doesn't want to meet you then you can't force her?

Also, your 4 year old is having big and very adult responses to a situation IMO, he is 4, he he's to see daddy and daddy will just say hey, we are meeting up with a friend of mine her name is Ann, she's lovely and we're going bowling/to the park etc.

When he comes bs l and say daddy friend Ann was the worst bowler on the world but I had a great time, then you smile and say I'm pleased you had fun.

Burdening 4 year olds and lets be honest this 4 year old has picked up the negativity somehow, with adult "issues" about meeting new partners etc is selfish and wrong.

Neither parents should do this.

VanGoghsDog · 22/11/2019 13:07

The fact he brought him home the last time he had him, telling him he didn't want my son to meet his girlfriend

Well, if the ex doesn't want the son to meet her it's not an issue, is it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 13:48

Did he say he doesn't want DS to meet her because it's early days? If that's the case there's no issue.