Should I explain this? (Possible trigger warning)

[57mama]

I don't want to drip feed, sorry if this is long.

I have 2 DDs, aged 12 and 14. I also had 2 stillbirths. They would've been 16 and the 12 year old's twin. Because of the twin, my youngest was born 2 months early, but when she was younger we just said she was born early because she wanted to meet her older sister. My 14 year old obviously understands the truth because we had to explain why she was only meeting 1 baby instead of 2, and I took her to the graves a few times, but we've still never told our 12 year old. Recently, she found out that babies usually aren't born that early for no reason, and she wants to know why she was. I'm really not sure what to say - her sister knew when she was 2, but something's telling me she doesn't need to know. WIBU to think of a lie or half truth, or does she deserve to know? And if I tell her, should I tell her about the first one as well? I don't want her to feel like she missed out on having 2 other siblings (I know older DD did), but I also don't want to pretend it didn't happen. Any advice would be appreciated, TIA x

I was 11 when I was told that I had a twin brother who was stillborn. It was in the late 1960s when we were born. So, I kind of understand the culture of that time that children didn’t really get told much(well, at least in our family!)
However, I had so many questions and was quite miffed that no one had told me. I really had felt all my life that ‘something/someone’ was missing from my life. I realised it was my brother.
Please tell your DD as soon as you can x

Wishing you well (57mama*. It's hard as we grieve for ourselves, for our lost children and also for our surviving children with their losses too.

Im glad you're going to tell her. She definitely should know. However this statement I disagree with:

"I think we'll take the girls to the graveyard at the next opportunity we get (we've moved to a different town since burying them) and explain then."

Please tell her beforehand and then ask her if she'd like to go to the grave, not just spring it on her when you get there (forgive me if Im misunderstanding but that is how it reads x)

Oh, 57mama. I am so very sorry for the loss of your two babies. How heartbreaking for you.

My eldest daughter is a surviving twin. Like yours, mine were born prematurely and one of my daughters died when she was three days old. The doctors in the neonatal unit advised that I told my survivor that she had been a twin and so she has always known, from a very young age, as have my two subsequent children.

It is so difficult as everyone reacts so differently to loss and grief, and this can change over time. My daughter is eleven and she has never seemed overly upset or concerned about the loss of her twin, in fact she very rarely mentions it. But my middle child has been through phases of being very interested in, and upset by, the death of his older sister.

As a previous poster said, I think that the urge to keep this information from them, comes from a desire to protect them, to stop something that has been so sad for us and for our whole families upsetting them. But, on the whole, I am glad that my children know about their sister. It is a part of their story and it is part of my history.

I hope you find the right way forward for you and your daughters. Sending

I'm so sorry for your losses. I would tell her as soon as you can but definitely not in the graveyard. Why can't you just talk to her? She's 12.

could you gather a special box for her.which she could add to if she wanted.she could perhaps write a letter or letters.
my friend did this with her surviving twin.and she would send hr letter.or put photos of the family in their for her on celebrations etc.and would put birthday ards in their.
if she went on holiday or did something big she would also note it and say "your with me too"
her mum put a copy of the scan photo. and the one they took when she was born(though that came later as it was hard for both of them)
plus some bootie gran had orginally knitted for her.

I'm one of a twin who like you I never met

My parents never ever withheld it from me. It explains a lot of feelings I've had emotionally sometimes - tell them, I think they have the right to know

We all have to deal with sadness. It’s not nice but she needs to know. I had a friend in school who was a twin but her twin died also. She was very brave about it and I’m not sure how long she’d known but the way she spoke makes me think she’d grown up knowing.

I agree that taking them to the graveyard to tell your DD is not the way to go.

I do understand what a huge tragedy this has been for you, but it is part of life - and your DD needs for it to be openly discussed as such. I agree too that it was perhaps unwise to keep this from her for so long - sorry, but that is true.

Death is part of life and children need to be brought up with that realisation in an age-appropriate way.

I agree with pp that she should know, and not be told at the graveyard. My mother shared some similar information with me when I was a little younger than your dad. At the time, she said something about how she's told me before, but wanted to check I remembered and understood. I remember thinking at the time it was weird that I didn't remember hearing it before, but was ok hearing about it. Later I realised that she'd lied about telling me before.
While I hate lying to DC, to be fair to her, this was probably a kindness to me, as it meant that I didn't feel that it had been hidden from me for so long.

Younger than your dd, not dad!

Why haven’t you already told her? My 7 year old knows she had a twin who died as a baby. She knew from 2 years old. I’m quite shocked you’ve never told her. Please tell her now.

This is so strange, so every birthday that goes by you don't even mention the twin that passed away?? Nothing done to remember that sweet baby?? It's just some shameful secret?? Why?

I think I'd better clear something up here. The reason we haven't told her and don't do anything on the anniversaries is because we don't like to talk about death in our extended family. My 14 year old only found out about the older brother when I first took her to the graveyard aged 5. It accidentally became a family secret because it was ignored for so long. All I have are a scan each of the boys because I thought if I got rid of stuff I'd forget about them. DC don't have any experiences of death except for this - all 4 grandparents are still alive, great grandparents died before they were born. Because she doesn't know anyone that's died, I never really found a good time to tell her, but as PPs mentioned it'll be important if she has DC of her own, so now I think I should probably tell her.

*we don't like to talk about death in our extended family."

This is strange and you need to resist this - it is not at all healthy. You might as well say you do not talk about birth.

Your little girl should have been made aware of her lost twin as a matter of course many years ago.

It needs to be part of your family conversation.

I thought if I got rid of stuff I'd forget about them

But why would you want to do that?

I'm honestly so sorry for your losses I really am but I agree with the other poster saying how unhealthy your attitude is to your babies' deaths.

My neice had a stillborn son at 41 weeks. His death hit her (and the whole family) hard. She had counselling and two years on, sometimes she still has bad days.

Whilst going through the counselling, she gave us all a request. Never to feel like we cant talk about her little boy or mention his name. Because she didn't want him to be a taboo subject or feel that he never existed.
On his birthday, we all light candles in his memory. It's helped her through her grief to have us all supporting her.

I know people grieve and deal with death differently but I feel sorry for you and your children that you have chosen to deal with this in this way.

I agreee with Mishappening. You're not doing yourselves any favours by avoiding the mention of death. Death is sadly a very real part of life and if you never talk about it then your children will be hit in the face by it like a sledgehammer on the day that someone in the close family unit does die. Better to talk it through as a supportive family and give your children the coping mechanisms that they need to be able to better handle that eventuality.

Best of luck with the conversation OP, I appreciate that this is an agonising topic and offer an internet handhold to get you through. You can do this.

Oh you poor thing OP . I’m pleased you are going to tell her and I completely understand why you haven’t felt able to so far. Everybody handles grief in different ways, some people try to bury it and hope it will go away. I know people who have had stillbirths and kept it to themselves whereas others have photos of the baby around the house and so forth. Everyone handles it in their own way, it’s personal to you and I don’t think you have done anything wrong at all .