Should I explain this? (Possible trigger warning)

[57mama]

I don't want to drip feed, sorry if this is long.

I have 2 DDs, aged 12 and 14. I also had 2 stillbirths. They would've been 16 and the 12 year old's twin. Because of the twin, my youngest was born 2 months early, but when she was younger we just said she was born early because she wanted to meet her older sister. My 14 year old obviously understands the truth because we had to explain why she was only meeting 1 baby instead of 2, and I took her to the graves a few times, but we've still never told our 12 year old. Recently, she found out that babies usually aren't born that early for no reason, and she wants to know why she was. I'm really not sure what to say - her sister knew when she was 2, but something's telling me she doesn't need to know. WIBU to think of a lie or half truth, or does she deserve to know? And if I tell her, should I tell her about the first one as well? I don't want her to feel like she missed out on having 2 other siblings (I know older DD did), but I also don't want to pretend it didn't happen. Any advice would be appreciated, TIA x

This must be so hard for you Op, I am so sorry for your losses.

I do agree with the others though - I think it is really important to tell her. It is not fair to expect your other daughter to keep it a secret and lie, and it will inevitably come out at some point, and she does have a right to know.

I would think carefully about how to do it, and you should probably be ready to explain why you haven't told her already and apologize for that. Unfortunately, you can't protect her from the loss she may feel, but you will be there for her, and I am sure in the end you will gain closeness by not having this secret between you (and between her and her sister).

I am wishing you all the best...

Goldie x

I think it's best to tell her now. You can't keep something like that secret from her forever and she's likely to resent you if you lie.

She will know. And it will be having an impact on her. Sorry op but you need to arrange some therapy for you all together so that she can deal with this and you can too. It's called the subconscious in psychotherpay terms.

Different situation but my younger cousin told me over Christmas one year when I was about 10 I'd say that I "had an older brother who died". I of course went in and asked my mam about this alleged older sibling I had and was shushed out of the room and it was never spoke of.
My aunt told me little bits and pieces years later but my mother never wanted to talk about it although now my other brothers and I know now some vague details.
It makes me sad that it obviously still effects my mother and she's not a "talker" so I get it and don't feel anything negative about it being kept from me, more so it's a very private grief my parents went through.
In my view, it would be better to tell you children sooner so you can control the reveal of what happened; it will come out at some stage I think and better for you to talk about what you're comfortable saying rather than being said in less than sensitive circumstances.
I do sometimes wish we as a family could talk more about it, and I have felt sad over the years, but keeping it private is how my parents dealt with it. It don't feel regret about that; it's just how they (and we) are as a family.
Long story short, I think it's good to tell your children but not a bad thing that you haven't before.

Why stout drinker? Most people aren’t affected by things like this, almost everyone has a miscarriage or still birth somewhere in their immediate family. My best friend and my cousin were both 1 of twins, they aren’t concerned by it at all. I don’t think there is any need to be so dramatic.

I'm a bit at all these people saying it's not a big deal, she won't care etc. It's a massive deal! Clearly the posters who are downplaying this don't have children missing from their families.

I think that’s just me boyo. I don’t think it’s a huge thing. Just part of your history. Why would you be so badly affected by it?

I'm the surviving twin , I'm 44 now but have known from a young age. My twin brother was stillborn, there's still sadness in the family about that of course but i don't need therapy or anything like that.
I don't tell many people but it's something my midwife was interested in when I was having ds and I was convinced I would have twins !

Like Grainfail, I found out that I had an older brother who was stillborn, as an adult. In those days (60 years ago) it was hushed up like a family shame, and never spoken about.

But. When I was very young I often used to say that there was someone missing from the family. I had a very strong feeling that there ought to be someone else around the table, that 'someone' was upstairs, sort of hiding (it's hard to explain). And I'd count us all aloud, and tell my parents that one of us was missing...

Of course, when it all came out when we were adults (when my mum got very ill and wanted to find out where her son had been buried - the hospital just took him away and never told her what happened and my younger brother found all the details and the grave and everything) I felt AWFUL. The grief I must have put my mum and dad through every time I got one of my 'someone's missing' feelings must have been indescribable.

Tell her, OP. Gently, but tell her. Our brother was called Ben, stillborn after my mother had undiagnosed pre-eclampsia. And it should NEVER have been treated as something shameful.

I agree with @Passthecherrycoke

It doesn't need to be a big deal but she deserves to know. It'll come out anyway and there is huge potential for resentment.

Of course it's a big deal but she wont be experiencing the same distress and emotions as a parent would who has experienced the trauma of baby loss.
Children do tend to have a degree of acceptance and may be more interested than upset. At 12, most children are still slightly selfish in their view of the world and will want to know facts and details about themselves as a baby. That's not a bad thing, they just lack the emotional maturity of an adult.
I don't think making this a Big Reveal and putting an emphasis on the trauma of a sibling missing from her life would be helpful.

57mama, I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. I actually also had twins and lost my eldest twin. My younger twin (and now also subsequent child) know abot my eldest lost twin. They have always known but now (10 yrs later), my surviving twin is having real difficulties with understanding what she has lost. We are having bereavement counselling as cognitively she is able to comprehend more about what it means that her twin sister is not here than she has done before. I do think it's important to let your surviving twin know but this is a tricky situation.

I would think about contacting Winston's Wish and/or perhaps the bereavement support part of what is now the Twin's Trust (I hate the new name). twinstrust.org/bereavement.html

I wish you luck as I am finding this so hard to navigate at the moment myself.

Tell her the truth. You are talking about a twin. She will have ‘known’ something has been missing (yes on a subconscious level but still).

What's missing here OP? It's a big gap between taking your eldest to visit the grave of your lovely baby and then just... never mentioning it again? Not a word for 12 years?

Obviously you don't have to answer that, it's no-one's business. I'm just wondering if you might need some grief counselling or similar before speaking with your 12 year old. It seems to be a heavy burden.

So so so sorry for your devastating losses. My dh found out in his 40s about about his late mother having 2 miscarriages before he was born, I was really surprised how much it affected him that his mother hadn't told him and how he felt he had a right to know. With this in mind, I think she should know. She will find out sooner or later and best it coming from you while she is still young. I hope it goes well

You must be honest - nothing less will do; both for establishing the importance of honesty as a principle and also because she is going to find out in the end - her sister knows - and she would feel aggrieved at not being told.

This must all have been so hard for you - but sharing it with your DD is the way to go. And there is nothing amiss with her knowing your grief. Familes are for sharing and she deserves to be a part of that.

I would absolutely tell her. She is old enough to understand. I had a miscarriage (different, obviously) between my 2. They are both too young to understand (eldest only 7), but I certainly wouldn't withhold that information when they were older and started asking questions. It's part of her story and it's not something to be ashamed of.

You should've told her years ago and you need to tell her asap. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

Sorry for your losses OP.

My youngest DC was also a surviving twin, it is hard I know you just want to protect them. Also the milestones thinking there should be 2 of them.

From a young age my DC knew she had a twin, I worried she'd find out from someone else and that would be awful for her.

Your DP will hopefully one day become pregnant as will mine, and her medical history and your past maternity history will be needed too for her and your future GDC health.

PLEASE tell her OP and be as open and honest as she needs you to be.

Difficult times for you both but better from you than anyone else. Good luck

Thank you for your responses. I've just sat down with my eldest while the youngest isn't here to see what she actually knew. I wasn't really expecting her to remember much, but she basically said "I'm the second of your 4 children, and my brothers are watching over me in heaven" (we are a religious family).
@Zaphodsotherhead I think my eldest might've actually felt that. When she was younger, she used to insist on having 6 chairs round the dinner table, and now it's just something we do in our house. I never really considered that she might be saving seats for her brothers, but I suppose it would actually make sense.

I think we'll take the girls to the graveyard at the next opportunity we get (we've moved to a different town since burying them) and explain then.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through but yes, I think it's very important that your daughter knows.

I have a friend who has two sets of twins. One of the older pair was stillborn and the surviving girl has had lots of mental health problems and counselling resulting from feeling like part of her is missing and she isn't 'right' on her own. If she didn't know or understand why she was feeling like that I think it could have been far worse for her (she is now 18 and coping well).

I think keeping secrets will do more damage than the truth. I think it's only fair to tell your DD the truth. If she had been taken to the grave of her twin and grew up aware it's something that would become part of her childhood. It would be awful if she found out from other family and then asked you why you'd not told her. Often when healthcare professionals ask if there are multiple births in the family in antenatal care it would be best your DD knowing the truth for her records.
I am so very sorry for your losses. I hope the truth helps your DD.

OP, are you ok? Why have you kept it a secret for so long?

Is it the moving away and thus not visiting regularly that has led to you not talking to your youngest about it once she was an age to comprehend? Planning to visit the graveyard sounds a good way to broach the subject with her.

I personally wouldn't explain at the graveyard. That seems like quite a horrific way of telling her to be honest. She may want to be alone, she may want to see her friends, be in her own room etc. But maybe plan to tell her when you are then able to visit the grave a week or two after when she's ready.