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To ask the most appropriate way for DD to apologise

45 replies

Butttons · 21/11/2019 13:42

Apologies for lack of details, I have discussed this with friends IRL and don't want it to be too identifying.

DD6 has been behaving badly at her after-school club (think along the lines of ballet/gymnastics), to the extent that her teacher has contacted me twice now to raise the subject of her behaviour. She is apparently being disruptive and stopping others from learning, and knows that she is misbehaving but seems unable to stop herself. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed about her behaviour and we have talked about it together earlier this term and what may be triggering it (she said she is finding the exercises difficult). I would like for her to apologise to her teacher in a meaningful way but am at a loss on how. I don't think her saying "sorry" is enough TBH as this has happened on a few occasions now and her behaviour has not improved. I am also wondering whether to remove her from the club. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this? TIA

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 21/11/2019 13:44

Is she actually sorry?

The best thing would be fit her to explain why she’s behaving like that so the teacher can help her manage her own behaviour.

I’d give her a final warning in conjunction with the teacher and see what happens (unless there’s more behind this).

Does she struggle anywhere else? Does she actually want to do gymnastics?

Simkin · 21/11/2019 13:45

The best apology is really going to be to stop misbehaving. Is she still enjoying it? Maybe you need to find a different class.

SquareAsABlock · 21/11/2019 13:45

Does she actually want to do the club? Does she do any other after school activities? Sounds to me like shes finding it both difficult and tiring after a long day at school, maybe shes bot ready for it yet. I'd suggest giving it a break and trying again in a few months/next year.

How's her school behaviour generally?

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 13:45

Maybe the best way to approach this would be to get DD to demonstrate that she understands the causes of her poor behaviour, is taking steps to address it, & how much she wants to be able to continue with the activity as a happy & helpful member.

It wuld have to be real though, so you are going to have to have some detailed chats about why she thinks she is acting up, how she feels she can prevent herself from repeating the behaviour, & above all how committed she is to being a welcomed member of the club.

Lllot5 · 21/11/2019 13:48

She’s only six. Perhaps she doesn’t want to do it.
Meaningful apology from a six year old is asking a lot I think.
Just say if she can’t behave she can’t go. No need to be embarrassed.

DillyDilly · 21/11/2019 13:50

A genuine Sorry is the best way to apologise, along with an effort not to repeat the behaviour.

Does your DD enjoy the class, maybe she find it difficult and sees others doing the activity easily and feels nervous and envious and acts up as a result. Is the teacher critical of her on class ? Is her behaviour outside of the class - at home/in school, etc mostly good ?

Ps, I’d be wary of discussing your children’s behaviour with friends, I’d they have children the same age as yours/they go to same clubs/schools, etc.

BananaPeach · 21/11/2019 13:52

Why are you sending her if she doesn’t enjoy it and she’s disrupting the class, making it difficult for the teacher. The best apology is to stop sending her

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/11/2019 13:56

My DN started after-school classes for certain activities at 5 and she has never misbehaved because she enjoys them and was the one who prompted me to start them. I think in your case your DD might not be enjoying this class - so might be better to put her out of her misery and perhaps choose another less physically demanding one.

Simkin · 21/11/2019 13:56

Also there's no need to be ashamed and embarrassed. Yes, she needs to stop the behaviour (and that might mean leaving) but she's only 6. Maybe the only way she can express her dislike is by misbehaving. By all means tell her off but it doesn't mean she'll turn into a criminal mastermind or something when she's older.

billy1966 · 21/11/2019 13:56

It's actually hard to answer OP.

Has she any other general behavioral issues?

Is this just this activity?

This happened in an activity my son attended.
The two boys who were disrupted the session did not want to be there, their mother's insisted and messing was their reaction to this. They were about 10.

They were asked to sit out during a few sessions and did not return the following year.

If children are enjoying an activity, they generally behave at it.

Is she frustrated by the activity and feels bad?

Has she the required skill set for the activity?

Does she wish to continue the activity?

Either way she needs to be told firmly that she needs to apologise sincerely.

If she is not happy, and is genuinely unhappy with the activity I would allow her to leave when the sessions paid for are finished.

I would be very firm about consequences about her behaviour for the remaining sessions.

Butttons · 21/11/2019 13:57

I am not sure that she enjoys the class as much as she used to - it could be true that if she's finding it more difficult then maybe teh teacher does call on her more, or that she is conscious that her friends find these things easier than she does. The only way will be to ask her. I do say to her that it's okay to find things hard to do and that not everyone is good at the same things.

if she wants to stop going then that's fine - I didnt consider that she may be more tired at the end of the day in year 2 than she has been in previous years. She does one more after-school club and when I collected her on Tuesday the teacher mentioned that she needs to focus on her listening next time (in a nice way) - I am just so conscious of the fact that her messing around is spoiling things for everyone else. I dont want her to be labelled as the disruptive one by her friends and teachers cant be expected to make allowances or have endless patience. It just really upsets me to hear reports of bad behaviour from her teacher as to me behaviour is something you can control. People cant always be good academically, but can have good manners and behave well. Maybe I am setting my expoectations too high for her at 6.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 21/11/2019 13:57

How old is she? Whose idea is it that she does the activity?

Butttons · 21/11/2019 13:58

@DillyDilly thank you - I have been chatting to some friends who know her well and whose kids are at different schools and go to different clubs (one is in a hwole other country!)

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zucchinicourgette · 21/11/2019 13:59

I think you’re putting a lot of responsibility on a 6-year-old. It sounds like she is messing around because she feels she can’t keep up with the class. Does the teacher think she’s struggling with the content of whatever they are doing?

How is her behaviour in school? If she is well behaved otherwise then I’d say this isn’t the right activity for her at the moment, or the level isn’t right for her.

Either way I’d probably remove her from this club at least for a while, because it’s not fair on the other children. But I don’t see any need for a big special apology.

billy1966 · 21/11/2019 13:59

Be wary indeed about discussing your children with parents of similar ages in school and clubs.

You could be quoted!!

And your child labelled.

She's only a dot.

Simkin · 21/11/2019 13:59

Honestly if it's not led by an actual school teacher they might not be that good at managing children's behaviour. That's fine ans you can't necessarily expect them to be, but it might be a case of can't behave- have to leave.

Butttons · 21/11/2019 14:00

@bertrandRussell she's 6 and it was orginally my idea but until thius term she had had no reports of bad behaviour. I will have a sit down with her this afternoon to get to the nub of this. I dont want her to feel bad about not enjoying something or not being good at it. And yes, maybe PPs are right - the only way they can communicate that they dont enjoy something is to play up

OP posts:
ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 21/11/2019 14:01

I think you are setting your expectations too high. Obviously she doesn't want to get into trouble from the teacher so if she could control it then she would. But her need to speak or distract is stronger than her need for approval which could be because she's not enjoying the class, because she's tired, because she's hungry, etc.

Can you sit in on the class? It might give you a better idea of which it is. Or, alternatively, just stop classes for a while. We've had to do that on occasion with DS because he was just too tired and needed to decompress not go straight into another structured environment after a day at school.

TiceCream · 21/11/2019 14:04

What did you do on the previous occasions that she misbehaved? “A few” times is far too many. If it was my child the first misbehaviour would have been the warning. The second time would have resulted in being removed.

Butttons · 21/11/2019 14:09

@TiceCream this is the second time. The first time we had a chat about why she was misbehaving (she was finding it hard) so we talked about how she can ask for help instead of distracting others.

I feel like I am punishing her if I make the decision to remove her, whereas if it's more of a joint decision e.g. because she's not enjoying it then it could be more of a relief to her. It's not like she starts that particular day woith dread or anything (she doesnt say so if she does)

her general behaviour at school is okay - she struggles to concentrate for long periods of time but nothing out of the ordinary

OP posts:
Fatted · 21/11/2019 14:10

Take her out of the class. It sounds like it's too much for her after schoolm

I have a 6 YO and I don't send him to any after school clubs because I think it's too much for him after a long day at school. He goes to a CM after school who let's him just relax, play, spend time on his own or watch a bit of telly if he wants before tea.

YR2 is also harder going. I know my DS was flagging the start of this term. The half term break seemed to help him.

AJPTaylor · 21/11/2019 14:15

Just remove her.
Tell her that she is clearly not enjoying it and after school activities are supposed to fun.

She can try again/ something else when she is older

TiceCream · 21/11/2019 14:16

You said “I don't think her saying "sorry" is enough TBH as this has happened on a few occasions now”. I assumed it had happened several times and the teacher had spoken to you twice. If it’s the second occasion I’d still remove my child at this point, but I am zero tolerance for unacceptable behaviour and I appreciate that not everyone is.

TiceCream · 21/11/2019 14:17

I feel like I am punishing her if I make the decision to remove her
Maybe I’m old fashioned but surely it’s supposed to be a punishment?

BertrandRussell · 21/11/2019 14:18

My dp used to coach kid’s football. If anyone carried on messing after a warning, he made them sit out. His line was if they wanted to be there and play, being made to sit our was punishment enough. If they carried on messing about he used to suggest to the parents that they should probably stop going because they didn’t really want to be there. (There were always exceptions, before I get @ed!)

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