To ask the most appropriate way for DD to apologise

[Butttons]

Apologies for lack of details, I have discussed this with friends IRL and don't want it to be too identifying.

DD6 has been behaving badly at her after-school club (think along the lines of ballet/gymnastics), to the extent that her teacher has contacted me twice now to raise the subject of her behaviour. She is apparently being disruptive and stopping others from learning, and knows that she is misbehaving but seems unable to stop herself. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed about her behaviour and we have talked about it together earlier this term and what may be triggering it (she said she is finding the exercises difficult). I would like for her to apologise to her teacher in a meaningful way but am at a loss on how. I don't think her saying "sorry" is enough TBH as this has happened on a few occasions now and her behaviour has not improved. I am also wondering whether to remove her from the club. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this? TIA

Poor kid presumably year two is more formal more being told what to do all day and she has just run out of mental energy for it at the end of the day

Maybe is time to stop that class. Our son did 7 years of karate and got his black belt. He wanted to quit but didn't want to disappoint us.
He eventually told us but he was 12 at the time so he was able to express his feelings.
Then a year later he decided to go back and absolutely loves it again.
Maybe if you dd knows she is leaving the class may be able to express regret at her behaviour.

I think you’re a little wrong to think behaviour can be controlled. If only! Sometimes impulsiveness, immaturity, etc can get in the way.

You need to go the cause of the bad behaviour and then work on strategies.

DS 8 has ADHD. He does this with any physical activity after lunch, and doesn't know how to stop himself. He also sometimes does it at guitar club, if the teaching's going too slowly and he gets bored. The best strategy for him is gentle exercise beforehand.

OP not all children can control their behaviour. Maybe she needs help in this area.

I had an issue when my kids were very small with behaviour at a club . They were positively angelic at school. Looking back now they are older I think part of the problem might have been that they were wired by sugar . I used to give them a cereal bar on the way there as it was literally straight after school.

At the time I withdrew them from the club - they were perfectly behaved at school so I was concerned that the club teacher didn’t seem to have their respect and couldn’t get them to behave.

Neither of them have had any behavioural issues since .... but I do think now it was very much the wrong type of club ! Think drama when they are better suited to sport. Would your daughter enjoy something else more ?

My daughter is the same age and I'm sorry but that's more than old enough to understand. She's spoiling it for other children and you've been told more than once. Simple enough, ask her, "do you want to continue going?" If yes make it clear of the expectations around behaviour and explain that if she is in trouble once more you will be removing her because it's not good enough. If she doesn't want to keep going anyway then remove her. She needs to go and simply say sorry either way. No need for an over the top apology. I would be expecting her to have some sort of punishment at home, early to bed or tidying up or no tv etc.

It just really upsets me to hear reports of bad behaviour from her teacher as to me behaviour is something you can control. People cant always be good academically, but can have good manners and behave well. Maybe I am setting my expoectations too high for her at 6.

Actually I don’t agree with this, many 6 year olds are not completely in control of their behaviour especially if they are tired or hungry etc. They are learning to be more in control but not there yet.

I would take it as a sign she is too tired to do that club. Say that to her and suggest she stops doing the club. If she really wants to carry on I would then say she can only do it if she shows she can behave and listen at that time of day (as not fair on others etc) - give her one more session and ask the teacher to report back on how she was.

It’s not so much a punishment as a natural consequence, if you can’t behave in X circumstances you don’t get to go. Doesn’t mean she can control it and is choosing not to, so not necessarily naughty, might mean she’s too young and too tired at that time.

Honestly I would either wait with her and monitor her behaviour if that’s possible or remove her. It’s not fair on her as she will be labelled the naughty child by other kids in the class as she is being disruptive and it’s unfair on the other kids who want to learn.

Actually I don’t agree with this, many 6 year olds are not completely in control of their behaviour especially if they are tired or hungry etc. They are learning to be more in control but not there yet.

Many adults aren’t fully in control of their behaviour, especially when tired or hungry. How many grown ups have you seen lose it in frustration when they can’t do something as well as they’d like to?

Sometimes what expect of kids is really harsh.

I’d remove her from the class, not as a punishment but because it’s too much for her right now.

I wouldnt get her to apologise while the issue is ongoing as it will be pretty meaningless to be honest. She could do a lovely letter but if she played up at the next session it wouldnt count for anything. I'd concentrate my efforts on trying to get to the bottom of it, or taking her out the class for a while.

I took my daughters out of ballet for a similar reason, transpired they hated it but didn't want to tell me. They do gymnastics now and their behavior is brilliant because they enjoy it and want to be there.

I'd consider withdrawing her, not making her apologise.

I’d just take her out of the club in the short term and see whether she’s happier.

Ask her if she wants to stop going. If she says yes, stop sending her and that's the end of it. If she insists she wants to carry on, it's time for a gentle talk about how her behaviour needs to be appropriate or the teacher won't want her to stay in the club.

But do bear in mind that a couple of incidents of mildly disruptive behaviour at a dance class are really no big deal for a six year old.

OP, she is very young.
If she is doing ok re behaviour in school, well maybe that is enough.

I actually avoided after school activities for all my children in their early years as they were tired after school and really needed to unwind at home.

There is nothing wrong with a small child needing some down time after all the structure of the day.

I would be checking with her that she actually wants to do activities after school.

I do say to her that it's okay to find things hard to do and that not everyone is good at the same things. This stood out to me. It’s great to learn new skills, but only if she wants to and finds it fun, at age six. It’s not school. It’s not something that you might deem necessary for safety, like swimming lessons. If it’s not fun for her, stop. She can pick it up later if she wants.

I’d stop the classes for now. I agree she can’t be enjoying them if she’s misbehaving. She can always go back to them when she’s older - if she wants to.

DD2 started being pushed for competitions , because she showed aptitude, doing far too much training ,it put her right off and it damaged her knees. I took her out quickly.

I would go and watch the class to see how much training is done, youngsters don't need much.

I agree that she'll be too tired after school .

I don't think saying sorry is necessarily the issue here.

Normally afterschool providers are very reluctant to comment on behaviour as they want the children and money, so I would assume she's being pretty awful and possibly dangerous.

I would ask her if she wants to go.
Answer no: Don't sign her up next term, and get her to say sorry and possibly buy something (box of chocolate type level to give with it)
Answer yes: Tell her that the next time she misbehaves and you will ask her teacher for info each week, you will remove her from the lessons. She has to show the teacher she is up to staying at the lessons.