Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A lazy partner who is a man child

29 replies

Millie1995 · 21/11/2019 13:29

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 years. After a very hard year of renovating we have just moved into our first home together. During the renovations I often got annoyed about how he would go and play football, go out drinking, stay in bed all day etc when there were many jobs to do at our house. I did speak to him about this and he told me that he wanted a life, which of course I understood but I believe that sometimes you have to get your priorities right and sacrifice some of your free time for a long term gain - unfortunately he couldn’t see this. Although we have moved in there are still jobs that need to be done, jobs that would take a day or two to complete but he still is putting them off no matter how much I ask. What annoys me the most is that he goes out drinking with his friends for the day and then comes home and the next day just spends the whole day in bed. I wouldn’t mind if this was on the odd occasion but this happens every week. His friends are a lot younger than him but he needs to remember he is a 30 something with a house and a long term girlfriend. He often speaks about having children but I refuse to bring children into a relationship when he can’t even commit to getting out of bed. It would definitely not be fair on the children. He is in bed now as we speak, whilst I hoover and clean the whole house around him. I am sick of having the same discussions about his laziness and his teenage behaviour. Everything else in our relationship is great but this really is getting to me. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2019 13:32

Nothing about your relationship is "great." Is this really how you want to live for the rest of your life? Being his mummy?

Winterdaysarehere · 21/11/2019 13:34

How are you sexually attracted to him?
You have replaced his dm.

Not a good combo..

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 13:42

he told me that he wanted a life

Presumably he wasnlt in a coma when he agreed to buy a doer-upper house with you, so he already HAD a life that he had actively chosen with you.

However, reality was too much for him, & he prefers living like a 20 year old with no responsibilities.

Congratulations on realising before it's too late that he is not the man to make children with. I hope your hard work & investment in the house have paid off, so that you can realise a little equity & start again without him.

1Wanda1 · 21/11/2019 15:19

Do not have children with this man, unless you want to be a single parent to them, plus one man-child.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/11/2019 15:23

You don’t want the same things. He might tell you he does - either just to keep you happy or because it’s easy to say stuff you’d quite like but aren’t really prepared to commit to - but his actions are what he really wants.

Don’t have children with him. End the relationship and find somebody who wants the quiet life you do. Don’t try to change him into who you’d like him to be.

NewNameGuy · 21/11/2019 15:26

Bin him off

OxtailSoup · 21/11/2019 15:33

Has he got a 9 inch tongue and can breathe through his ears for you to put up with this?

There are so many similar threads on here, so many women putting up with being treated so badly ☹️

He won’t change, bin him. You deserve better, as do all the others on here who put up with similar

dontlickthelamp · 21/11/2019 15:34

Please bin him off, I’m massively projecting but I ended up having 4 children with a man like this and then he left and hasn’t seen his children in months. Get out whilst you can

AryaStarkWolf · 21/11/2019 15:40

Why are you still with him then? He's told you he isn't changing so what's your next move?

Celebelly · 21/11/2019 15:44

Does he work?

Doobigetta · 21/11/2019 15:45

Kicking a manchild into touch is ultimately one of the most satisfying things you can do. He won’t ever change, and if you get rid of him the impact on your quality of life will be instant. Plus you’ll open yourself up to the chance of a decent relationship with an adult.

Pinkbonbon · 21/11/2019 15:51

Has he at least agreed to compromise in ways and stuck to those compromises? That's what proper adults do.

If he just keeps flat telling you no, and doing whatever he wants despite knowing that it upsets you then sorry but, I don't see how this man could be suitable for a relationship, with you or anybody else.

Can you afford to stay in your new place without him/get lodgers/move out? Cause realistically, you'd be smart to get to thinking on that now.

ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 21/11/2019 15:57

My partner is this useless except he doesn't even go out so I can get anything done round him. Just sits indoors on his laptop or Xbox.

And I have basically no sexual attraction to him anymore, but that's also because he refuses to watch his diet and go to the gym and his already morbidly obese body has become two Mr Blobbys.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/11/2019 16:04

I have a friend who is married and has chidren with someone who must be closely related to your boyfriend. Guess what - they don't change. She is running herself ragged taking care of everything, while he's sleeping on the sofa.
He's in his 30s. He won't change.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 21/11/2019 16:11

Tell him you don't need to have children, you already have one.

The only positive thing about your post is that you've realised you shouldn't bring children into this relationship as it stands. I doubt he'll changed. In fact it'll get worse. Get out now while you still have time to find a grown up to have a relationship with.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 21/11/2019 16:17

Hopefully you've made money on the doer-upper and can sell up and move on. People like this don't change.

Busybeebeebee · 21/11/2019 16:21

Why is he in bed at this time of day on a Thursday?
Does he work shifts?

whatsoccuringnow · 21/11/2019 16:23

I married someone like this. It's been a long hard slog. Over the years, we have married and had two children. He is a very hard worker, financially very successful and very loving to his kids, but it's taken a long time and several near separations for him to realise, he can't stay out drinking whenever he wants, sleep all day of a weekend and do nothing in the house. Comprises have been- him paying for a cleaner to pick up the slack, him cutting down nights out and drinking drastically, which gave him more energy, so doesn't need the mammoth lie ons.
But it's been really hard work on my behalf. The kids and the fact he and I get on great otherwise are what kept me here. Plus, the fact he has recently recognised his adult adhd and has begun to acknowledge that it's him who has the difficulties- not me being unreasonable by expecting him to participate at home!
Outsiders would look at our life and think we have everything, which we do materially but it's been hard, hes a difficult person to live with sometimes,but is working on himself.

LimeRedBanana · 21/11/2019 16:34

Any advice would be appreciated.

I say this kindly, but I don't know what sort of advice you think people can provide.

We can't frog-march him out of bed and force him to be a functioning human being.

He's a lazy dosser, who will not change.

I don't believe you when you say the rest of the relationship is great. It can't be.

You're incompatible. This is not going to work long-term.

Do not have children with this man.

Original poster
Millie1995 · 21/11/2019 17:27

Thank you for all advice so far - tbh you’ve all just said what I already know. To answer some questions, he is a self employed builder so there are days where he only works half days or doesn’t work at all depending on how much work he has on.

OP posts:
Busybeebeebee · 21/11/2019 17:29

So the only slight redeeming bit of this is that as a builder I can understand doing your own house up would be a bit of a busman’s holiday.
However he still sounds like a man child.

EsselGruntFuttock · 21/11/2019 17:32

My partner is this useless except he doesn't even go out so I can get anything done round him. Just sits indoors on his laptop or Xbox.

And I have basically no sexual attraction to him anymore, but that's also because he refuses to watch his diet and go to the gym and his already morbidly obese body has become two Mr Blobbys

Why would you waste your life on someone like this? I’d have binned him long ago.

Lak1115 · 21/11/2019 17:37

It might take having children to make him settle down. Not that I recommended this if you aren’t sure on him in the long term though. My partner is a fantastic dad but a little lazy around the house. He does work full time and doesn’t go out very far but would rather chill and watch TV or play computer rather than do any jobs 😭 Thankfully he is a hands on father though. He bathes the kids, picks them up from school around his shifts, takes them out to the park etc.

It sounds like you need a serious chat with him.

Some men mature sooner than others.

Hairsprayqueeen · 21/11/2019 17:52

He's a lazy slob
That is lifestyle choice usually not a habit that can be changed ,especially if he doesnt want to (he doesn't).

BendNSnap · 21/11/2019 18:22

Why are you still with him? He will never change. He wants you to mother him and clean up after him. He doesn't want to take any responsibilities in the house and be an actual adult. He just wants to pretend he's back at home with his mum. Is that the sort of life he wants? Tell him to go back home to mama!

Swipe left for the next trending thread