Woman won't leave my child alone.

[Rowenbrew]

Bit of a long one but looking for some advice. My DS went to a local school for a while and made friends with another boy there. All normal, met the mum in the play ground, talked a few time, exchanged numbers and had couple of play dates. She said he child was autistic and had ADHD, no problem, our kids are friends and they have fun playing together but after a few times things didn't seem to quite feel right. Her child was a handful and that is okay but some of the things he said and did didn't sit right. The mum told me that the school was out to get her and thought she was a problem and didn't believe her son had ADHD, she told me social services were involved and that they doubted her too, she would get very animated about how she was a victim of everyone's misunderstanding her and that so many people were out to get her. She also fell out with a lot of the other parents at school. I felt more and more uncomfortable and eventually I asked her to please leave us alone and stop coming over. I didn't want to be mean but I was very uncomfortable with her and didn't want to leave my child with her or have her round. She left in tears. I felt bad but thought that was it. Not long after she turns up at my home and says it is an emergency and could we look after her son, I didn't feel comfortable but she said she had to take her older child to an interview and there was no one else so we agreed. After that she kept trying to arrange more play dates, inviting my son to birthdays parties. I declined, politely. Then she cornered me in the play ground and said that I wouldn't let my child play with hers because of her mental illness (she says she has BPD) and that I was discriminating. The truth is I think she has zero boundaries and I don't want her looking after my child. At this point I wrote her a long text message, I stated that I wanted her to stay away from me and my child and that I was blocking her number and wanted her to not contact us again. After this every time she has had the chance she comes over to my son and tries to engage him. She has gone up to him in a play park when I was a few meters away and given him sweets, offered to buy him a toy and when I said that was not appropriate loudly exclaimed to my now upset child that she was 'so sorry he couldn't be bought the toy' She saw him on another occasion and offered him a games console which again I declined which of course upset my son. My son is 10 and I am now afraid to let him play in the park with his friends unless I am actually standing within 2 feet of him because she will approach him if she catches me not looking. Yesterday I was in a shop at the counter and my son was looking at things on the shelf, she came into the shop, saw him and started talking to him about her sons latest diagnosis and saying how much her son missed playing with him. I know I can't stop people talking to my child when we are out and about but honestly I am getting super creeped out. How can I stop her? Or am I being unreasonable? It is not a 10 year olds job to put in the boundaries with an adult and I can understand why he would find the idea appealing if being offered sweets and toys and games consoles, he also really liked her son and would like to play with him again but I really don't feel safe around her.

She clearly has MH issues by the sound of it.
That’s a real pity on her but I would feel the same way if I were you. I think YANBU to keep your child away from her and I would consider this enough reason to get the police involved. It’s getting close to stalking!

I can understand why you’ve done it. But I think it’s a shame the two boys had to stop being friends because of his mum.

If you had said that the boys were 12 then I would say that I know this woman. What does your son say? At Year 5/6, he should be able to tell you who he wants to be friends with.

I would be deeply unhappy about an adult approaching my 10year old in this way.

First tell the 10 year old to get away and to not engage with this woman.

If they are at the same school - I'd try to talk to the school about my concerns especially if she doing it still on the playground.

I'd also see if the local PCSO can have a word, that they are aware and to see if they have any advice for you.

I'd also not be answering calls, or doors or getting stucked into doing any favours in the future - and keeping a list of past and any furture incidents. In future be firm - not shouting though - and say you've made it very clear she isn't to appraoch your child ever - do broken record -You've been told not to approach my child over and over till you get away.

I do feel for her and more so for her DS - and perhaps you could have handle the playground situation better but it's not your problem to solve and you have to put your child first.

"My DS went to a local school for a while and made friends with another boy there."

OP - are they still at the same school now?

Whatever the past, this woman is now stepping over the bounds of acceptable behaviour. Make it very clear that she is not to approach you or your son again. Don't discuss it, just keep saying it. Keep a diary of these encounters in case you need to take it further. It's also worth explaining to your son that this is not normal behaviour and that he should not engage with her, regardless of the bribe she offers.

Having been on the receiving end of two stalkers, I've learned that you have to be VERY assertive with them to get them to stop. (The police won't be interested btw)

To those who are saying you should be mindful of her mental state, this isn't your responsibility. Her behaviour is unacceptable - that's all you can respond to.

Good Luck!

It sounds like there WAS a problem with the boys playing based on the OP saying

Her child was a handful and that is okay but some of the things he said and did didn't sit right

I think.some context needs to be given? What did he do to make him become the start of the problem and his mum essentially being the rest of the problem?

think you were a bit mean cutting off a friendship between the 2 boys.
If you weren't happy with her supervising, why don't you arrange the play date at your house?

I agree. That's imo certainly true.
But it's not really the issue (anymore).
The problem is the mother. She doesn't respect boundaries, seems to act erratically and continues to harass the OP's son. That's absolutely unacceptable... The friendship between the sons is rather inconsequential when it comes to the current problem.

If you weren't happy with her supervising, why don't you arrange the play date at your house?

From experience the type of person OP describes would not be happy with just the being friends, they try to push further and further into your own life and have no respect for boundaries, you can often find yourself having to explain your life choices to them and justify yourself constantly and no amount of firm boundaries and talks work, these people see a crack and try to expand it. Nothing is ever enough, they have to be the most important person in your life and it is suffocating.

Is it really that easy to get a restraining order? You often see that said on here, but it's said like it's a form you get to fill out and job done....

As for this, I do think that it veers into community policing territory and 101 could be having a word yes

An adult persistently targeting one child falls under anti-social behaviour I would have thought

I would not let anyone mess with my 10 year old child regardless of their mental health issues. Fuck that. It is outrageous that this woman approaches and tries to bribe the boy against his mother's wishes. There are some hypocrites on here saying you have been a bit mean, who would shit their own pants if they had to deal with this situation. Stand your ground OP, you are right to protect your child.

I agree with PP that you sound a bit mean. The boys got on. It sounds as though you were happy for them to be friends until you widened your social group and listened to unkind gossip from other parents. The messages you sent sounded very ott.

I'm not sure what lesson you're trying to teach your DS because it seems like you're illustrating zero compassion, how to dump friends to get in with a more popular group and how to bully to win favour with people.

If the boys were at the same school I probably would have just let them be friends in school and avoided anything outside.

I suspect what's got the OP in this mess isn't being "mean" but too nice especially things started to worry her.

I do think her duty of care is too her DS - not this other women or her child.

This is an adult offering extravagant gifts to a child. If she was a man there would be cries of grooming. It doesn’t matter what her intentions are, or if she has mental health issues, there are appropriate ways of behaving around and towards children and she is way over the boundaries of what is acceptable. I would talk to the police in your position OP.

Good luck!

I think you could probably have gone about the 'splitting up' however you are entitled to not have people in your life.
If it was a man doing this people would be in uproar.
Have a word with ds, I've sent a message to friends mum saying we're not to be in touch anymore. And I'm worried that she keeps hanging around offering you gifts. That's not acceptable behaviour from an adult. You need to know it's ok to be a bit rude and say x to her and leave.

I would focus on your child, who at 10 should not be getting upset at being offered a toy by someone and then having you tell him No.

Focus on explaining to your child that he is not to engage with this woman and that he is to walk away immediately.

I accept that you feel uncomfortable and that is your right.

You are best placed to advocate and watch over your child.

Focus on your childs response and indeed ask for advice from the police if things escalate.

If that was a man in a mac offering your child sweets in a playground to engage what would you do? This isn't much different.
The woman clearly needs help, but she shouldn't be harassing a small child.

I would trust your instincts here.
Other Mum doesn't have appropriate boundaries. Your only real responsibility here is your child.
I think I would ask for advice from the Police too. I don't think this is a waste of time.

"If that was a man in a mac offering your child sweets in a playground to engage what would you do? This isn't much different"

Its entirely different given the backstory. Still doesnt make it ok though.

You have the patience of a saint OP I'm afraid I'd have belted her one by now, only thing I can suggest is talking to the nspcc for advice or failing that ask 101 to talk to her

I suppose what's done is done now, but I feel like if you had handled this situation in a kinder, more compassionate manner, you might not be in this situation. I understand wanting to protect your child, but was this sensitive child and his odd mother really a threat? Just thinking that in the future you might be better off handling these things in a gentler way. I do feel bad for the SN boy and his mother. Now it's just an all around bad situation.

I think it's really important if the boys are in school together that you handle that end of it very very sensitively. I imagine this will be very tricky for your ds as the strange mother might make him avoid this boy, that could lead to criticisms of bullying or exclusion, and would certainly make the other child feel very isolated. I know it's not really your responsibility but 'it takes a village'. Very tough situation for everyone really.

Thinking about it, I think you should also tell your DS to never go anywhere with her, and that you will never send her to pick him up.

I think you are well within your rights and not unkind. We need to respect other people, whether they have mental health needs or not. But equally, we have a right to protect our own boundaries. Indeed it is necessary. Having a mental health need does not give you the right to transgress the needs and spaces of others, or to railroad them into meeting your needs.

Explain to him that she is mentally ill so best not to talk to her

Sorry, what?