Woman won't leave my child alone.

[Rowenbrew]

Bit of a long one but looking for some advice. My DS went to a local school for a while and made friends with another boy there. All normal, met the mum in the play ground, talked a few time, exchanged numbers and had couple of play dates. She said he child was autistic and had ADHD, no problem, our kids are friends and they have fun playing together but after a few times things didn't seem to quite feel right. Her child was a handful and that is okay but some of the things he said and did didn't sit right. The mum told me that the school was out to get her and thought she was a problem and didn't believe her son had ADHD, she told me social services were involved and that they doubted her too, she would get very animated about how she was a victim of everyone's misunderstanding her and that so many people were out to get her. She also fell out with a lot of the other parents at school. I felt more and more uncomfortable and eventually I asked her to please leave us alone and stop coming over. I didn't want to be mean but I was very uncomfortable with her and didn't want to leave my child with her or have her round. She left in tears. I felt bad but thought that was it. Not long after she turns up at my home and says it is an emergency and could we look after her son, I didn't feel comfortable but she said she had to take her older child to an interview and there was no one else so we agreed. After that she kept trying to arrange more play dates, inviting my son to birthdays parties. I declined, politely. Then she cornered me in the play ground and said that I wouldn't let my child play with hers because of her mental illness (she says she has BPD) and that I was discriminating. The truth is I think she has zero boundaries and I don't want her looking after my child. At this point I wrote her a long text message, I stated that I wanted her to stay away from me and my child and that I was blocking her number and wanted her to not contact us again. After this every time she has had the chance she comes over to my son and tries to engage him. She has gone up to him in a play park when I was a few meters away and given him sweets, offered to buy him a toy and when I said that was not appropriate loudly exclaimed to my now upset child that she was 'so sorry he couldn't be bought the toy' She saw him on another occasion and offered him a games console which again I declined which of course upset my son. My son is 10 and I am now afraid to let him play in the park with his friends unless I am actually standing within 2 feet of him because she will approach him if she catches me not looking. Yesterday I was in a shop at the counter and my son was looking at things on the shelf, she came into the shop, saw him and started talking to him about her sons latest diagnosis and saying how much her son missed playing with him. I know I can't stop people talking to my child when we are out and about but honestly I am getting super creeped out. How can I stop her? Or am I being unreasonable? It is not a 10 year olds job to put in the boundaries with an adult and I can understand why he would find the idea appealing if being offered sweets and toys and games consoles, he also really liked her son and would like to play with him again but I really don't feel safe around her.

As heart breaking as it is, you may need to get the police involved. Her poor child and your poor son. It must be super confusing for them especially the child with ASD.

I'd say you're right to avoid her. I had experience of someone who was similarly diagnosed with BPD, & they were ultra-clingy like this woman. They gave things to people as though it was a normal, nice gesture but then demanded more & more from the recipient, overstepping boundaries left, right & centre & acting as though a 'gift' made the recipient indebted to them.

This is a problem. Don't let anyone minimise it.

Some posters have given useful advice. I hope you get this sorted out without any problems.

The police are not going to be interested in this, but you can make a log of all the inappropriate stuff she does. If you're really concerned then you can speak to social services - if she has an ongoing and open case you can lodge your concerns.
Otherwise just give her a wide berth, although it sounds like you guys live in a small town/village and avoiding her is an issue.

I'm usually the last person to say go to the police because I spent many of my professional years dealing with genuine villains but in this case I certainly think you need to go to someone.

I understand you want to be nice but this woman has very much overstepped the bounds of appropriate with your child. Whilst mental health can be a factor it does not preclude her from setting boundaries. I detest when posters use that as an excuse. I've worked heavily in Mental health and dealt with it extensively in my personal life. ...you are doing noone any favours by letting this like this go.

For whatever reason this woman is unable or unwilling to self regulates which means you simply don't know what she will do next. She may be fine and harmless or she may do something worse. This is not a risk to take . Personally I would contact social services. ..they won't, quite rightly , tell you anything but you can inform them. If she is under social services they may be able to help her.

Think about this , not only is she causing you an issue , but this will also be translating into her parenting. Which will cause issues for her DC.

I would also raise it to your PCSO.

At this point it's about putting an audit trail in if things escalate. For people saying leave her be , frankly you clearly haven't been on the recieving end of his type of behavigour and it really can escalate. The amount of professionals who would have wanted to know any warning signs is astounding.

If she's fine and backs off then nothing is lost. It's a hard lesson for her to learn but consider this as well better she learns it from your reaction hand overstep with someone far less pleasant who takes things intout their own hands.

It doesn't have to be punitive button ignoring this after you have clearly laid boundaries would be naive. Report and raise to someone.

I'm kind of torn on this one. On the one hand I can see how this might be distressing for your son and it's clear she has very few boundaries. On the other, I have a son with ASD and ADHD who has very few, if any, real friends and it breaks my heart that people steer clear of him because he can be a bit random.

It feels a little like you went full-on cutting her and her son out of your lives based on her assumption the school were out to get her and other people's reactions to her. Which of course is your prerogative, but you didn't say the boy had actually done anything wrong apart from a few things he said that didn't 'sit right'. I wonder if the boy is upset that he can no longer play with your son and this is his mother's (heavy-handed) way of trying to fix that?

Not saying you're wrong, but I do feel sorry for her son who has basically lost a friend.

I think you were a bit mean cutting off a friendship between the 2 boys.

I have to disagree with this I'm afraid. If you have any reason at all where you feel uncomfortable with your son associating with someone you distrust (like a stalker mummy for example which it sounds like she is) then you have every right to remove your son from the situation. No one should have to suck it up just because the woman may be having MH issues and the son has SN. It's your child and you have every right to protect him.

I allowed my DD to play with a girl who I didn't particularly trust. There was just... something....sleekit about her.
I lived to regret it. Just recently DD came home shaking and crying in fear. The girl had made up stories about her when they were at her house and the girls parents, who already know are off their fucking trollies, had shouted at DD and shut her in a room in their house for over an hour all alone. I had no idea. DD has been too scared to phone me because she said, "They could hear me because they were in the next room" DD eventually asked the big brother to unlock the front door to let her out.

DD will never be within 50ft of those psychos again,

Trust your gut instinct. Something rang alarm bells early on before it became as bad as it is now. Every time I ever tried to talk myself out of a gut feeling, my instinct has proven to be correct.

FlashingLights No she didn't say the boy had done anything wrong but she DID say I felt more and more uncomfortable

QUITE enough for her to not want to have anything at all to do with the woman. Which naturally includes her child.

This site...people are always saying "Trust your instincts!" and the moment someone does, it's all "Oh, that's a bit mean/weird of you"

Some ridiculous responses here.

I am not a lawyer but have some experience of dealing with this sort of situation (unacceptable/inappropriate behaviour which is a repeated nuisance) and it's correct it does not seem to meet anything like the threshold for a restraining order - nothing she has done approaches a crime. A non-molestation order is a non-criminal order, but it's used almost entirely between partners or ex partners, if I recall correctly, and goes through the family court, so that's not right for you either.

Your son should not really have to deal with this, but he is old enough to understand that some people are best avoided, and he can learn how to avoid them. Sounds like you are managing this ok, and he knows she is not to be engaged with at all.

You can flag it up with the school, though they are highly unlikely to really want to get involved with parental relationships.If she is as difficult as you say, it's almost certain they have had their own experiences with her.

I'd suggest being very VERY assertive with her. Nothing angry, no raised voices, but just tell her you regard her behaviour as unacceptable, and to leave you and your family alone. If she comes up to you anywhere, just repeat 'I've explained already, I no longer want to engage with you'. And dont get into discussion.

She may well be already known to the MH services.

I would tell her to stop coming near you or your son, or you will contact the police.

Then follow through if she does it again even once.

This is what the police are for. Can posters honestly say if this was happening to your child, you wouldn’t do anything about it?! I’m sure a community support officer would be more than concerned and would have a few words with her.

I am not a lawyer but have some experience of dealing with this sort of situation (unacceptable/inappropriate behaviour which is a repeated nuisance) and it's correct it does not seem to meet anything like the threshold for a restraining order - nothing she has done approaches a crime.

This is the point isnt it? People saying contact the police and get a restraining order on her? It's always best to be armed with facts before giving incorrect to the OP here

@Instagrump.....bloody hell. How terrifying for your daughter. Are you going to do anything? Or is it safer, do you think, to leave it?

whilst I do agree that she behaves somewhat odd, I can tell you that the ostracising many children and by extension parents of children with additional needs experience can hit one very hard.

I have been there, I cannot tell you how many assumed friends dumped me over DD (ASD and severe LDs). It is incredibly isolating if one's MHs is not robust, can be extremely hard to deal with.

The mums is probably struggling MH wise and desperate.

I think you were very unkind but most posters on Aibu will probably disagree with me. It's accepted here to marginalise those with SN and their parents for their own and their DCs' sake.

Echoing everyone saying call the police, the fact that she's regularly approaching your son should be a big concern.

I'd also consider ringing SS, as if they already have involvement I would be making them aware of this so they can act if they need to.

Icecream but this is not about the child's additional needs. She's said it's not. It's about the Mother.

As for it not reaching the levels needed for a restraining order...I think it does.

The law states that harassment is when a person behaves in a way which is intended to cause you distress or alarm. The behaviour must happen on more than one occasion. It can be the same type of behaviour or different types of behaviour on each occasion. ... One text message and one phone call may also be harassment.

I think it's important to differentiate between raising it as chisser so the local PCSO is aware and getting a restraining order. There is a world of difference.

It's nowhere near the same and there is no way this is restraining order territory but it's a bit silly to assume that no level of the police force would need to be aware. A lot of the police I work with prefer some level of intelligence to allow them to be aware. That's a big difference from going down the formal route.

I have to say as well I all too well understand the pain of being left out when you have a child with additional needs. Ds1 has had very much the same reaction as have I , but that's not what we are talking about is it? When ds1 got left out I didn't then overstep every boundary and make a family uncomfortable to satisfy my own need for inclusion. It's the mothers behaviour now that is of concern.

It's horrible being treated like a pariah because you have a hild with additional needs but it doesn't mean you can make someone else feel uncomfortable, I would not be tolerating this behaviour around either my neuro typical dc or my Asd dc.

OP, sounds like you went at this woman with all guns blazing because she was insecure and trusted you, leaving her in tears. I think if you had been kinder you woudn't be in this situation now - cutting off a lifeline to a child with ASD is likely to have had a severe impact on the dc. I don't know why you didn't just try to settle it a little more peaceably.
That said, I think you could ask for advice from a GP, a community liaison officer or from your school about to handle this. If it's impacting your child's freedom it is pretty serious.

@tiktok I wanted to go to the police but I had absolutely no proof other than the word of my 9yo. I did speak to absolutely tore strips off the mum and told her that their DD was not to go anywhere near mine and pretty much that they had better not so much as fucking look at her ever again.

It's accepted here to marginalise those with SN and their parents for their own and their DCs' sake.

Oh FFS, it's not 'marginalising' someone to not want to be friends with them because you don't like them or because their behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable. It's got nothing to do with the SN, it has to do with how someone makes you feel and whether you get along with them.

Clearly, this woman's behaviour is massively inappropriate and she has zero sense of boundaries and is incapable of respecting other people's wishes, and her child's behaviour worried the OP, so regardless of SN it's perfectly reasonable for her not to want continue contact with her. The OP is an acquaintance of this woman, not her bloody social worker. If someone without SN makes you feel uncomfortable or constantly pesters you, you don't have to be friends with them. If someone with SN does the same, you don't have to be friends with them either. Jeez.

This is really hard OP. It sounds like thr mum has serious mental health problems or may be learning difficulties. She has probably gone through friends like water and tries in all the wrong ways to maintain friendships by using her child and the other person's to latch on. However this is not your fault or responsibility OP. You have tried to distance yourself and be assertive and as much as you would still like your children to continue to be friends this means that she would be in tow too. Its your call OP. I would maintain a healthy distance.

That sounds really tough. I don't want to weigh in on if you should take more formal steps as I don't feel knowledgeable enough, but on a basic level, there is something hugely uncomfortable about someone who makes such a big deal about gift giving and the expectation of return. I have had recent experience of this and it made me uncomfortable in a way I find hard to explain, but I have realised it doesn't feel ok to me and I stepped back.

@Instagrump bloody hell your poor daughter!! I hope she's okay now.

Op, as some of this happens on school grounds I would speak to someone at school- head, safeguarding lead, senco. This lady sounds unpredictable and unstable and I think school should be aware that there is the potential for this to escalate on school grounds. Hopefully by raising it someone at school can support this mum.

I made a friend with BPD (we were volunteering for the same charity) and at first I though she was great! I have MH issues (I have been suffering with severe depression several times in my life) so I am the last person to discriminate on these ground - if anything it was something that united us!

Sadly my friend's conditions meant that she lied (often aggrandising her achievements), she had no boundaries, she was 'born right' - knew everything and her view was always the correct one in every argument - and used to spend hours and hours at my house, so, like you, I had to stop the friendship. I feel bad about it because she had some great traits but sadly the negatives overcame the positive. I am all for inclusion but I think friends should make us feel good and add something to our life not being a charitable enterprise! Friendship is mutual support.

I think you were a bit mean cutting off a friendship between the 2 boys.
If you weren't happy with her supervising, why don't you arrange the play date at your house?

I agree with LochJess - it seemed that the boys were fine; just the mother was a problem. I think I would have let them continue their friendship under my eagle eye! (Easy to say - maybe I wouldn't if push came to shove)

However, now that you have made itclearto her that you don't want the two boys to interact, you have to police that - you can't suddenly go back on it because it would cause even more confusion, and would also mean that if anything escalated in any way, the police would be less likely to give you credence if you've allowed the friendship t start up again.

I feel very sorry for everyone in this saga - and most especially the woman's son, who probably has few friends because of his mother's difficulties, and for whom that friendship may have been a lifeline (I know this looks as though I'm blaming you OP - I promise I'm not. He isn't your responsibility. It just seems such a shame.)