Aibu to ban partners cousin from our house?

[Helpmelmaooo]

Bit of backstory - I live with my partner, two year old and another baby due next year.
Partners cousin rents a room in a house maybe a 10 minute walk from us. Rest of the family also live within close proximity however cousin has fallen out with all of them and from what I can see it’s his fault. DP feels sorry for him I think so often invites him for dinner or to watch a film, which is fine. This has been ever since we moved in together 4 years ago. However, my problem is that cousin has got WAY to comfortable. He often turns up unannounced, even if DP is at work, and will just sit and watch tv with me and DD2. He almost always outstays his welcome (by days). He’ll watch a film with us and then just not leave, we end up going to bed then he’s still here in the morning. Anyway, to crack on I’ll give some examples - back in July I went on a short holiday (2 nights 3 days). He came the day before I left to keep DP company while I was gone which is fine. However when I got back he just didn’t leave and ended up staying another 4 days, making his stay 8 days long in total. Which is completely out of my comfort zone as I just want my privacy and very much hate people staying in my house lol. I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go as it was just getting ridiculous. Another ridiculous example is when I gave birth to my first, I stayed in hospital for the night and he went to our house to have a drink with DP. We got home from hospital the next day with our new baby and he was still there and then stayed another 3 days.
Now DP is suggesting we invite him for Christmas but I’m saying a definite NO as I know it will frustrate me because he won’t bloody leave and it’s my DDs last Christmas without a sibling, I just want it to be our little family. It’s just getting to be a joke now and I’m not sure what to say! To be honest I have seen so much of him in my house I’m starting to be really resentful even though we generally get on well. My DP agrees but doesn’t want to mention it as he feels sorry for him. Any suggestions on how I can approach this without falling out?

Drink problem. Therefore life problem.

Sorry. But he is not your problem or your DH's. He is using you. If he lived 100 miles away, would he do this? I would hate this! Does he bring or do anything for you or your family ever? He is a cuckoo cock lodger!

Both you and DP need to learn boundaries and stick with them.
I can't believe YOU allowed this to go on for so long - and cooking, cleaning and making room for him on your sofa!

Nobody is responsible for him except himself - and he can get a full time job and rent a flat where he can invite his mates round and watch tv/play games.

When i got my first flat my mates always came round to mine as they lived with their parents or in student accommodation.....by the end of the year it seemed my home was a place for them to do exactly what this guy is doing.
The day i came home and found my mate had done exactly what i had clearly TOLD her NOT to do - 'borrow' my clothes and use my makeup - that was it for me.
All that pent up frustration that built up due to their piss-taking erupted.
I've never allowed anyone to take the piss like that again.

I nearly thought you were talking about someone I know.

I hope your DP does tell him.

Actually cannot get over this Cheeky Fuckery! Am completely baffled. What does he do when you and DP go to work? Does he sleep all day on your sofa? What does he do for clean clothes, teeth brushing etc?

I am very much like you OP in that I am not confrontational in the slightest but I don't think even I could have put up with this for so long without saying something. You've done well in getting your DP to address the problem, you both just need to make sure you follow through with turning him away when inconvenient, asking him to leave before going to bed etc. Don't give him any opportunity to stay.

I would just text him myself and say last night was the end of it. Say hes no longer welcome unless invited and even then its a few hours max. Dont worry about upsetting him hes a grown man and clearly needs to be reminded of that fact

Where are the cousin's family in all this? Is he actually a cousin?

And does he have a partner? I'm guessing that he doesn't xxxxx

@PaddingtonBrown I’m a stay at home mum at the moment and also pregnant so I don’t work. Dp works full time and will leave at at 6.30am and come back at 6.30pm. When dp goes to work he will just stay on the sofa, I get up about 7.30/8 with my dd and usually have to wake him up when we come downstairs, in which case he will get up help himself to making tea then spend the entire day sat on the sofa, waiting for me to make him lunch no doubt. I refuse to make him lunch so I just do my dds and ignore him. But still he stays and will wait for my dp to get home and then has dinner with us (I would ignore him in this case too but dp cooks dinner). Then I spend the evening fuming that I’ve had to wash up an extra plate and cutlery and about 6 mugs from him throughout the day. There’s been a few times when he’s turned up drunk (like last night) and then tried to lay on the sofa all day and expect me and dd to squash up on one part, and one particular time he did this and actually spread himself across the whole sofa (it’s one of those chaise corner sofas and he sort of curled himself round the corner and stretched his legs out on the long part) this time I made my dp come home and make him move because me and dd couldn’t wake him up so we had to spend the morning in the dining room doing arts and crafts as the tv is in the room he was in.
In the 8 day stay I didn’t actually once see him change clothes or have a shower (or ever when he’s been here for that matter) or brush his teeth. He doesn’t ever bring a tooth brush or clean clothes etc. Not sure how he didn’t stink but I try not to get too close to him tbh.
@Poppinjay he’s 100% not autistic he is just a user and clearly doesn’t respect us plain and simple. @Geppili I think he’s my dps mums second cousin or something like that. But is v close to my dp as he was taken into care when his parents died years ago and was basically raised by my dps grandmother after he left care at 16.
Dps family all live within a 10 min drive of us but like I say he has fallen out with all of them due to his own fault. He doesn’t have a partner and as far as I know never has.

Keep,practising
'It's time for you to go now'
Every time you say it, it'll be easier.

it takes months and months to get it back although cousin is in the pub at least a few time’s a week
And doesn’t pay his cheap rent because he’s spent his money in the pub.
He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know
Sounds like he does.

Jesus you are looking after your kids and he is loafing around in his own filth! Just tell him he cannot do it anymore! Just say you are planning to study/offer childminding at home and he simply cannot come uninvited anymore.

I'm sorry but you are both enabling this behaviour! You can't complain about it when you're not addressing it. Seriously this is your family home - I would never let someone stay for days without saying anything. You are equally to blame for letting this situation evolve. You have to be direct and stop hiding behind your husband. You are responsible for your home as much as he is.

He has kind of groomed you into accepting this behaviour! It's borderline abusive and sociopathic.

Well done on being super clear with your DH, OP. You sound very switched on and ready to deal with this. We are right behind you.

Hope your DH doesn’t just send ‘Dupree’ away but tells him not to bother ringing the doorbell in the first place unless it is when he is invited over.

Wow @Helpmelmaooo that's unbelievable, quite grim too actually. Who doesn't wash or brush their teeth for over a week?! I would be livid in your shoes. I imagine your DP hasn't seen it as such a big deal as he's only there in the evenings to him, he gets to go to work all day and doesn't have to deal with him, whereas he inconveniences your entire day by laying about on the sofa and expecting you and you DD to just leave him to it.

He's completely taken advantage of your good nature and inability to create conflict and is using you. Use your anger about that.

OP you say you have difficulty with confrontation and I can see you seem to have been pushed over the edge a bit with this to the extent you seem to be confronting your DP at least on this issue, but it seems you are still hesitant to deal directly with the cousin. I wanted to suggest you look at setting boundaries in a different light. Not as confrontation but as leadership.

When someone is staying past their welcome you don't need to "confront them" with the fact they are overstaying their welcome, you just need to set the direction for how things work in your home. You are the leader there, not your guest. You don't have to say "Haven't you've stayed too long." you can say "Oh, 10 o'clock. It's been lovely to see you but it's time you were going. Have a safe trip home." If they start to suggest they can kip on the sofa or stay a little longer you don't argue with them about it you remember that it's your home and what happens in your home is set by you, not by guests. So say something like "Oh Jim! This isn't a discussion. It's time for you to go. But it will be great to see you again on X day." You don't argue, you inform and you keep it friendly. But you lead them by making the expectations crystal clear. It takes some practice. Especially if you are used to acquiescing and excusing your own needs. it's easy to slip when they start asking why or pushing back. Easy to fail to see that what they are doing is saying they want you to give things up that you haven't offered, that they have no right to so they can have what they want. But with a bit of work it can be very effective.

Of course, now you don't want him in your house at all, and that's totally understandable but it might be something to think about in the future with others if you generally avoid conflict.

Also:
clearly hasn’t paid the (extremely cheap!) rent (again because in his life there are more important things like his friends and the pub). He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know.

Not paying your rent because you're spending the money on alcohol is a fairly clear sign he does have a bit of a drink problem. It may be more about lack of self-control and ability to prioritise in general than about addiction to alcohol, but it may not.

Just say you are planning to study/offer childminding at home and he simply cannot come uninvited anymore.

Sod that. You don't need to lie, OP - you're not the one whose behaviour is out of order. Just use the last bit of the advice above - he "simply cannot come uninvited anymore."

You don't need a reason. It's your home. He has his own home to go to, & doesn't need to be manspreading & cocklodging in yours.

I have told DP that I don’t want him in the house anymore as clearly he can’t just come for a few hours and leave but DP says he doesn’t have the heart to tell him

I think this is a bit mean. Clearly your husband's other partner is just as important to him as you. You must have agreed to this polyamorous arrangement, you've been living with him for years.

I think the time for normal boundaries is long past- the three of you need to elope together to somewhere that allows tri-marriage and make everything official. Start a crowd-funder for legal action to get three people on your DD's birth certificate as parents.

But is v close to my dp as he was taken into care when his parents died years ago and was basically raised by my dps grandmother after he left care at 16.

This doesn't make his behaviour OK but it is pretty sad. Our care system lets children down (and was even worse years ago) and poor life outcomes are so common. I can see why your DP may feel close to him and somewhat responsible for him. But he's enabling him (at his family's expense) rather than helping him.

Ugh, he stays at yours for several days when his own home is down the road? And he doesn't wash??? And then he's there in the daytime when your partner isn't even there? Why are you putting up with this?

He is using and relying on his difficult childhood (enmeshed as it was with your DP's family) as leverage to trample all over many basic boundaries in your precious home.

I think you and your DP are in FOG. Fear Obligation. Guilt.

It sounds to me as though he thinks of your home as his, and the place he has up the road is just where he stores his stuff. I would put a stop to him having meals at your house, and certainly put a stop to him staying the night. He's not going to grow up and get his life together while other people accommodate him.

I cannot understand how you could allow him to sit around the house all day especially when Dh is at work. Use @FraglesRock suggested text - it's perfect. And then stop answing the door to him. Open a window when he calls round and tell him he can't come in.