Aibu to ban partners cousin from our house?

[Helpmelmaooo]

Bit of backstory - I live with my partner, two year old and another baby due next year.
Partners cousin rents a room in a house maybe a 10 minute walk from us. Rest of the family also live within close proximity however cousin has fallen out with all of them and from what I can see it’s his fault. DP feels sorry for him I think so often invites him for dinner or to watch a film, which is fine. This has been ever since we moved in together 4 years ago. However, my problem is that cousin has got WAY to comfortable. He often turns up unannounced, even if DP is at work, and will just sit and watch tv with me and DD2. He almost always outstays his welcome (by days). He’ll watch a film with us and then just not leave, we end up going to bed then he’s still here in the morning. Anyway, to crack on I’ll give some examples - back in July I went on a short holiday (2 nights 3 days). He came the day before I left to keep DP company while I was gone which is fine. However when I got back he just didn’t leave and ended up staying another 4 days, making his stay 8 days long in total. Which is completely out of my comfort zone as I just want my privacy and very much hate people staying in my house lol. I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go as it was just getting ridiculous. Another ridiculous example is when I gave birth to my first, I stayed in hospital for the night and he went to our house to have a drink with DP. We got home from hospital the next day with our new baby and he was still there and then stayed another 3 days.
Now DP is suggesting we invite him for Christmas but I’m saying a definite NO as I know it will frustrate me because he won’t bloody leave and it’s my DDs last Christmas without a sibling, I just want it to be our little family. It’s just getting to be a joke now and I’m not sure what to say! To be honest I have seen so much of him in my house I’m starting to be really resentful even though we generally get on well. My DP agrees but doesn’t want to mention it as he feels sorry for him. Any suggestions on how I can approach this without falling out?

Also forgot to add, I have had a phone call from dp this morning apologising for last night and promises that as soon as he gets home he’s going to call cousin and tell him that it was out of order to turn up at midnight and that he can’t keep coming round unannounced and staying for ages and especially not overnight because realistically he lives ten minutes walk away so there’s absolutely no reason for him to stay the night on our sofa. My dd does not need to come down for breakfast in the morning and have to have breakfast and watch tv next to a sleeping middle aged man. He’s nearly 40 for Christ sake. Dp and I are both mid to late 20s.

Well done!!

Good work @Helpmelmaooo!
Let's hope cousin takes the incredibly blatant hint and backs off!

When you say “they’ve grown up together” I imagined that they would be close in age, but the cousin is at least 10 years older!! It does seem a strange relationship given the age difference, plus someone who is nearly 40 should have the sense not to turn up late at night/expect to stay for days, especially when you have a child. Stick to your guns op, this has to stop!

What happens if you actually say to him, 'You need to go home now, we have to do X, Y and Z...'

Stop tip-toing around! Your Dh needs to man up a bit here.

And tell him that when baby arounds he cannot just turn up unannounced as you will be breastfeeding.

*arrives not arounds

Honestly you need to stop letting him in if it isnt convenient and when you want him to leave you need to explicitly say so. Neither of those things are inherently rude, you can be firm but polite.

You dont "have" to do anything at all for him - if you choose to then that is on you - so if he is turning up unannounced then just carry on with your day and make no extra concessions. If its dinnertime then unless it is something that can easily be bulked out/you made extra of then you have no obligation to feed him. If he is disrupting a TV show, ask him to be quiet or go home. If he makes a mess, ask him to clear it up. If your DD wants to watch Peppa Pig, make him turn the TV over. If he wants a cup of tea, he knows where the kettle is etc.

So last night, I would have answered the door with " it is midnight, we are on our way to bed, DD is asleep and you need to go home" and then closed the door. No way would I have let him in. The same with any other non convenient time, dont let him past the doorway; "Sorry now is not a good time, see you another day. Bye!"

If you're going to bed, when you want him to go home you tell him. ", we are getting ready to go to bed so we need you to go home now. We'll see you another day."

If he turns up and you have other plans, "Sorry but we are going out, perhaps another day." Or ", we are leaving for X activity in an hour/at 2pm so you're welcome to stay till then" (and then when you leave you make sure he leaves with you)

I think what I will do is tell dp to tell cousin we’re spending Christmas Eve and day at my mums house so he doesn’t bother coming here although we shouldn’t have to do that.

No, you shouldn't have to, & if you do it will undermine all the good work you have done in facing up to this problem & starting to get angry & deal with it properly.

How about telling Cousin that you are having a quiet family Christmas at home, with no visitors ... & to make sure he gets it, yes that DOES include him?

He's not stupid is he, spreading his time between you and his other friend so he get free meals etc.
Stop feeding him, stop clearing up after him and certainly tell him to leave whenever you feel like it.

So glad you have finally snapped and told your DP to sort it out.

This cousin has accomodation ten minutes distance form your house - he should NEVER need to stay over at yours for a start - and 8 days at a time - that's seriously taking the piss.

I would get your DP to tell the cousing he's never allowed to turn up when DP isn;t there - why the hell should you have to entertain this person that your don;t like in your house.
he's never to come round uninvited.
Actually - I think I'd say he's never to come round -certainly to be nowhere int he vicinity of your house when you have your DC 2 or at Christmas or any other holidays. If he wants to see your DP they can arrange to meet a the pub for a quick drink - then your DP can decide when to leave. If people come to your house,it's very hard to shift them, if you meet on neutral ground you can just leave when you;ve had enough.

I hate these kind of freeloaders.They are always a relation/friend of the bloke and it's always the wife/ GF who is left dealing with these awful manchildren. Pisstakers all of them.

Is weed involved in all this?

@BigSandyBalls2015 no weed involved.
@KurriKurri to be honest I don’t want him here at all anymore even though we have got on well in the past I just feel resentful towards him now for the way he has used us to feed him and accommodate him when he has no money (because he’s spent it all in the pub and on his scrounging friends) and doesn’t want to go home because he lives with his landlady and clearly hasn’t paid the (extremely cheap!) rent (again because in his life there are more important things like his friends and the pub). He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know. I know DP doesn’t want to see it that way because he’s family but I’ve repeatedly drummed it into him that this is exactly what cousin is doing and I think he’s starting to understand.

I wouldn’t mind so much if he came to us (less than he does now) and just said “I have no money is it ok if I stop for dinner” or “could I borrow a tenner or twenty to grab some food shopping” but he just takes the piss so now I think I don’t really care! Last week he text DP and asked him to transfer £100 to him to borrow. We have dds birthday and Christmas coming up so we can’t really spare £100 so DP of course said no. Later on dp went to the shop and on the way saw cousin through the pub window. He said on the way back from the shop cousin was at the cash point across the road. So it’s quite clear he just wanted the £100 to fund him and his friends night out. Plus the fact that me and dp have both leant cousin money in the past (anywhere from a tenner to £100) and it takes months and months to get it back although cousin is in the pub at least a few time’s a week (then crawls to our house when he runs out of money).

Sorry I’m going on but might be worth mentioning also that he also did the exact to dps brother and his wife. I’m good friends with the wife and often speak about this issue with her, she always says the point of “why would he go home when he can get what he wants and needs at your house for free aka tv, food, comfy sofa, a beer etc). Luckily brother in law had a big falling out with cousin in the end so sister in law no longer has to put up with him.

He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know

If he's spending his (cheap) rent money in the pub, then he probably has a drink problem.

he just wanted the £100 to fund him and his friends night out

A night out doesn't have to cost £100!

cousin is in the pub at least a few time’s a week

Erm... Does this man not have a job?

Stop answering the door.
Ask to see dh text to cfc

If it's not enough
'Cousin, I'm sad to text this but your visits have become an issue for us, we work hard to be a little family and whilst it's lovely to catch up with you every now and then, your visits have turned into impromptu holidays. We need to spend this time with dd before the baby and can no longer afford your meals and drinks on top of ours.
Please text to check before you come round, and appreciate it might not always be convenient. Midnight and breakfast times will never be convenient so don't call round then.

Why do the rest of the family not speak to him?

Omg...he sounds like a total user.

Your DP needs to grow a pair and put his own family before this freeloader..

My DH has a friend that I don't much like - for so many reasons. Fine, he was welcome to visit DH and I would go off to my office before he arrived. He would then start searching for me, find me, and make jokes about my attire (keeping warm in funny clothes at home). He turned up once on Christmas morning when we were still in night clothes - kids opening presents. I told DH to see him off. Now DH and he go walking together and he no longer visits so all is well.

Are you sure this cousin hasn’t some hold over your partner that you are unaware of ? As he seems to be completely under his power .
Can you ask why he’s allowing this to keep happening when it’s clearly ruining any togetherness between you ?
It’s the sort of situation that will only change if the two of you combine forces as the cousin is obviously so thick skinned only hard words from the two of you is going to make a difference .

He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know

I suspect he actually does have a drink problem if he blows all his wages in the pub and turns up drunk to your house in the middle of the night.

Either way, your DP really needs to tell him to fuck off. Nobody is really getting anything from this relationship except the cousin. They haven't really 'grown up together' when the cousin is at least 10 years older than your DP and it's weird for your daughter to have some random hanger-on in the house all the time, kipping on the sofa and so on.

@cacklingmags Christ! He turned up on Christmas morning?? Why? Was he expecting to spend the day with you and get Christmas dinner? I would have flipped my lid

Yes cousin is 100% a user and that’s proven by the fact that he only comes here when he’s run out of cash/food. Also the fact that he rents a room and doesn’t have a tv in said room so thinks he can come here and watch ours. I think DP and me are on the same page now so that’s a start but I’ve made myself very clear to dp about what I’m worried about (him turning up to ruin our Christmas and him being around when I have my second baby). Yes it is very weird that my daughter probably has the view that she has 3 parents and constantly has to sit next to this man who isn’t even her dad. Will see what dp says to him tonight. When talking on WhatsApp earlier I asked why he had his read receipts turned off and he said because cousin was messaging a lot last night and he didn’t want him to know he’d read the messages. So that’s another thing I’d like to know

Keep at your DP to discourage him. But don't feed him or make him tea/coffee. After an hour, stand in front of him and say 'time to go home'. If necessary, start vacuuming around him - including the sofa.

If DP lets him at a bad hour, withdraw 'wifely duties' from DP.

Finally, make a list of every sofa-surf and meal he's cadged and a rough cost. Show to DP. That may get through if nothing else does.

There is a possibility that he is autistic or struggles socially and the reason he runs out of money is that he is buying friendships. It may be that he's only welcomed by his 'mates' at the pub while he has money to buy them beer. Once it's gone, they don't want to know so he falls back on you.

Someone with autism may not realise how used you would feel by this and wouldn't necessarily understand the social niceties around overstaying your welcome or when it is appropriate to knock on the door. That would explain why, when the friend's girlfriend spelt out a simple rule, he was able to accept it and comply with it.