Partners STBXW irritating me and I don't know how to deal with it

[yetanothermanicmonday]

Been with my boyfriend for about 14 months. Great relationship, truly. He is my best friend and all the boxes are ticked. The only thing that annoys me about our relationship is his ex. They were married for about 12 months, they were together for about 4 in total. No DC together.

I met him on around 6 months post-separation. I didn't know he existed until we had our first date. I was not the OW, there was no OW, they split because they both made each other miserable (I've seen her messages confirming this, I'm not being naïve). Divorce proceedings have started although is a slow process. After we had been dating for around 3 months and had the "exclusive chat" etc I posted a photo of us together on social media, and since then she just will not go away. The night I posted the pic she sent him an insane rant, posted about us both publicly on FB calling us for everything. She had obviously been watching my social media for some time before this event - how she even knew I existed is a mystery, but anyway....

She still clearly stalks my social media even now and is frequently messaging him about anything I post. Sly digs, claiming that places we go that she also visited with him was "their place" and he's an awful person for ruining the memories. We are talking about entire countries here, btw. She thinks she can actually call dibs on entire countries! She calls me fat/ugly etc, calls him names and implies we are terrible people basically.

I have really tried to remain the bigger person and just alter SM privacy setting etc, however she always seems to still find access. I don't see why I should be changing my routines to counteract the ravings of a mad woman. Boyfriend does not want to engage with her as she does have some MH issues and we all know how it can be trying to argue with someone who just doesn't see logic. But it's really beginning to cause me anxiety. I feel like I'm planning my life around what will be acceptable to her i.e. not posting pics of days out with us all. I feel like he filters his posts also which although I understand, it also irks me because I suspect he just does so to not antagonise her (so is she winning?). I know SM is the devil and all that, but I find it entertaining and again, I don't see why I should have to change things I have always done or enjoyed just because of her unreasonable behaviour. He ignores her messages 99% of the time, but I feel like he should be...I dunno, defending my honour here, or some shit! I wouldn't let someone call him names, for instance. If he visits his dads house she appears at the door within 10 minutes always wanting something, using him as her sounding board for how terrible life is etc. I feel like her feelings are being put before my own at times and that doesn't sit well with me at all.

So, AIBU in getting annoyed/anxious about this? I don't know the logical way I should be perceiving this. I don't know how to discuss it with my boyfriend as "please tell her to fuck right off" doesn't seem very reasonable. I'm prepared to be told that she is technically still his wife and he needs to communicate with her (even though its all vitriol?) Like I say, he usually just ignores her but I feel that by just remaining passive it is almost inviting her to continue in this way. I would 100% appreciate some of your insights and suggestions on how to deal with this.

LTB is not a realistic suggestion. I do genuinely love him and I wouldn't let her push us apart so permanently. I suspect that is her main goal here. But I do feel like I need to communicate how this is affecting me, in a calm rational way.

Have you tried using a different name on sm. My daughter's friend has a druggie dad so uses a false name so he can't find her.

@MustardScreams oh I wish! haha. I'm not in my 40's but worryingly know many women in their 40's who put up with this sort of crap.

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory totally agree with this. OP, I think your BF needs to lay down the boundaries with her. Tell her he will no longer tolerate abusive messages. Tell her he has moved on and that is final. Absolutely do not let him show you the messages. If she continues to find avenues to be abusive, then your BF needs to cut all contact even regarding the divorce and request all communication is via a mediator only. If she is giving abuse and harassing her ex husband then the divorce will not end well for her...

Also I disagree with people telling you not to post on social media. You do what you like, it's your life, why should you have to censor or modify what you post?

@Clearnightsky Thankyou, that's an interesting thought process. Will consider it.

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory I agree. I will raise this with him. I would prefer he block her completely as I think it would still annoy me otherwise.

I would prefer he block her completely as I think it would still annoy me otherwise.

Then ask him to do this. If he doesn’t want then you can compromise and ask him not to tell you about anything she says. Ever! (But id wonder why he won’t just block her- his solicitor can deal with all the divorce stuff- he doesn’t need to be in contact with her about anything)

Why are the first comments on the majority of threads the most moronic!?

Haha yes I've noticed that too. At least this thread hasn't been set by the first post. I've seen threads totally taken over by stupid first posters and all the rest seem to jump on the bandwagon and it turns totally bonkers

He needs to block her!

If you want to know where the info leak is then use process of elimination - do the Victoria Beckham method - post a fab message which is only - visible to your BF. See if this get a reaction...

If he won’t block her you need to have words- it’s not fair in you. Don’t feed the trolls!

OP I think you would not be unreasonable to sit your DP down and explain how much this is bothering you. None of it is normal and after this long into a relationship all exes should be ancient history and not needing to be mentioned. It’s on him to sort it out.

I would tell him exactly what it is you want from him: I.e. block her phone, both of you go through your social media contacts and make sure none of them are fake profiles, then make your social media pages completely private so only friends can see. He gets his solicitor to tell her solicitor that ALL communication is to go through them from now on. There is absolutely no reason for them to be in touch. He tells his family not to engage with her if she turns up. They no longer want to see her as she’s starting to get abusive and is harassing their son/brother and his DP.

If he seems reluctant to do this and wants to keep her dangled on a string then you tell him that you can only assume he’s trying to have his cake and eat it and you won’t stand for that as you deserve better.

You do what you like, it's your life, why should you have to censor or modify what you post?

Because it might address the problem which is causing the OP so much frustration?

Alternatively, keep posting on SM. The only person inconvenienced by it is the OP.

None of us can give advice that will change the loony ex. We can only give advice on things the OP can do differently. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tell her you are blocking her and if she harasses you one more time you'll contact the Police.
Your bf isn't doing much to stop her by the sounds of it.
I'd be worried she knows something you don't, she obviously doesn't want to be divorced from him, otherwise she'd leave him alone.

Why are you posting about your relationship on social media? FFS they are not even divorced yet! If you are truly happy then just be and live your life without the constant need for recognition from others.

I would be the bigger person by coming off social media for a few months. Agree that you shouldn’t have to but I would play the long game. The more you piss her off the longer the divorce could take which will impact on your future with this man. If you’re not on social media then she can’t watch what you’re doing. Good luck. It could be worse. If he had kids with her you’d never be rid of her.

Your Boyfriend doesn't seem to care about her still being in his life, infact the polar opposite I'd suggest was true. He's enjoying her fury.

OP, my apologies for not seeing your comments about the divorce is taking so long:
Interesting, I will definitely ask him to pursue this more strongly. My own divorce took years because he would not agree to it. Not sure if its a different process in the North but I had to wait 2 years after separation date until I could proceed without his consent, and then it took a good while after that for the actual decree nisi to come in. She is obviously not being straightforward with things so I think that is causing a delay. The difference however is that I chased my solicitor every month for updates but I don't believe boyfriend is doing so. That's annoying.

However, assuming you are in England or Wales (and again, apologies if I've missed this too), but you do realise that they can still disagree with the divorce if you apply on a 2 year separation. To be fair, even if you go for a fault divorce, they can disagree, but the divorce can still proceed anyway. It's only after 5 years separation that you can apply for a divorce and it doesn't matter one jot if it's contested or not.
I guess i'm confused as to why you seem to allude to him having started divorce proceedings and having a lawyer, but yet the actual application for divorce doesn't seem to have started. Anyway, i'm not defending her behavior in any way, but your partner seems to be part of the problem and even with a divorce, there's not guarantee she'll go away. So is he genuinely worth it? If so, then you need to have a proper talk about boundaries. so what if she turns up at houses, she should be told to f off, and if she doesn't, you call the police. This is all distinctly odd.

Yep ignore all that "he was still married" stuff... I was still married but separated for three years when I was expecting my first child.

I think you might have to ignore her and continue with your life. Ask your boyfriend not to tell you about her hanging around where he is (he could tell her he's going to report it if she continues). Tell him you don't even want to talk about her. She is his ex and you deserve a normal enjoyable relationship.

If they agreed to a divorce at two years separation with consent then that could be why it's taking a while.

My DH and I have been together 8 years now, but when we met he'd broken up with an ex about six months previously. No marriage, no kids, no cohabiting over their two year relationship but she also went into full crazy mode. Honestly, it just took time. You need to present a united front, and ignore everything. Don't add any fuel to the fire. Eventually, she will get bored/meet someone else. There aren't children involved so just leave her to it.

What is her relationship with your partner's parents? Does she drop in at other times or only when he's there?
Could they be giving her info?
Could they be recruited to get rid of her when she shows up?

I don't see why I should alter my life any more for this woman
Maybe it would be courteous to do so while this woman is still his wife.

Can you go through your friends lists on social media and just remove everyone you don't know, that should solve that problem.
I think he probably needs to do one firm message telling her to back off and then never reply again. It is creepy and maybe a threat of reporting her could help, or contacting a family member of hers and hopefully shock her out of it. She sounds like she's gone down the rabbit hole a bit.
I do think ignoring her generally is the right thing to do, replying will just fuel it and she wants a reaction and attention no matter if that is good or bad.

Why are the first comments on the majority of threads the most moronic!?

I don't know, but it does seem to be an unofficial MN rule...

I have heard many times on here,that lots of people have been stalked ,and bothered , by someone desperate,so if you wan't a peaceful life,don't post anything about your life.

My fiancé’s ex wife knew all his passwords and had them save Don her computer, from banking to email to social media even linked in which of course she used to spy on him/us. She also used find my friends on their old shared iPad.

We both ended up completely deleting absolutely everything and making all new accounts under our names but spelt differently to get her to stop (we also sent a solicitors letter and blocked her and all her family and entire friends list too!) we changed it numbers too, he got a new phone etc. Everything was gone through with a fine tooth comb and eventually she couldn’t get to us.

It’s a joke but if you have to do that then I would.

It seems as though your DP isn't really very serious about stopping his ex' contact though. That and the fact he is showing you her messages makes me wonder if it isn't all quite a huge ego trip for him. Also am not liking his passive and quite frankly pathetic handling when it comes to finalising the divorce and blocking all contact. He does not need to communicate with her at all. Period! There are no children hence no need to liaise whatsoever, which means all communication can go through the solictors only. It's the age old MN mantra, you have a DP problem.