Been with my boyfriend for about 14 months. Great relationship, truly. He is my best friend and all the boxes are ticked. The only thing that annoys me about our relationship is his ex. They were married for about 12 months, they were together for about 4 in total. No DC together.
I met him on around 6 months post-separation. I didn't know he existed until we had our first date. I was not the OW, there was no OW, they split because they both made each other miserable (I've seen her messages confirming this, I'm not being naïve). Divorce proceedings have started although is a slow process. After we had been dating for around 3 months and had the "exclusive chat" etc I posted a photo of us together on social media, and since then she just will not go away. The night I posted the pic she sent him an insane rant, posted about us both publicly on FB calling us for everything. She had obviously been watching my social media for some time before this event - how she even knew I existed is a mystery, but anyway....
She still clearly stalks my social media even now and is frequently messaging him about anything I post. Sly digs, claiming that places we go that she also visited with him was "their place" and he's an awful person for ruining the memories. We are talking about entire countries here, btw. She thinks she can actually call dibs on entire countries! She calls me fat/ugly etc, calls him names and implies we are terrible people basically.
I have really tried to remain the bigger person and just alter SM privacy setting etc, however she always seems to still find access. I don't see why I should be changing my routines to counteract the ravings of a mad woman. Boyfriend does not want to engage with her as she does have some MH issues and we all know how it can be trying to argue with someone who just doesn't see logic. But it's really beginning to cause me anxiety. I feel like I'm planning my life around what will be acceptable to her i.e. not posting pics of days out with us all. I feel like he filters his posts also which although I understand, it also irks me because I suspect he just does so to not antagonise her (so is she winning?). I know SM is the devil and all that, but I find it entertaining and again, I don't see why I should have to change things I have always done or enjoyed just because of her unreasonable behaviour. He ignores her messages 99% of the time, but I feel like he should be...I dunno, defending my honour here, or some shit! I wouldn't let someone call him names, for instance. If he visits his dads house she appears at the door within 10 minutes always wanting something, using him as her sounding board for how terrible life is etc. I feel like her feelings are being put before my own at times and that doesn't sit well with me at all.
So, AIBU in getting annoyed/anxious about this? I don't know the logical way I should be perceiving this. I don't know how to discuss it with my boyfriend as "please tell her to fuck right off" doesn't seem very reasonable. I'm prepared to be told that she is technically still his wife and he needs to communicate with her (even though its all vitriol?) Like I say, he usually just ignores her but I feel that by just remaining passive it is almost inviting her to continue in this way. I would 100% appreciate some of your insights and suggestions on how to deal with this.
LTB is not a realistic suggestion. I do genuinely love him and I wouldn't let her push us apart so permanently. I suspect that is her main goal here. But I do feel like I need to communicate how this is affecting me, in a calm rational way.