Who is in the wrong here, please.

[PerspectiveneededamIwrong7]

I have been having a new relationship for about two and a half months. There have been issues and I have been unsure as to whether to put both feet into the relationship (reservations that I have expressed honestly.) I have almost walked away a couple of times but new man says he loves me and I enjoy being with him so I have continued.

Last Friday I ended things rather hastily. He appeared to accept this although asked could we at least keep in touch and we continued to communicate over the weekend. We both expressed real sadness at the relationship coming to an end and he said he had gone to his sisters for the weekend as he felt he couldn't bear being alone in his flat where his pillows still smelt of me.

On Sunday I suggested we meet up to have a face to face conversation on the Monday (as all this had happened over messenger.) I was very careful to say that I only wanted to do this if he did too, and that if he wanted space and distance then to say and I would completely respect that and leave him be. He said of course he wanted to talk.

On the Monday morning he messaged to say he'd had a bad nights sleep and was tired. I asked if he was still up for our talk tonight? He said, 'Yes, see you after 5?' Then, 'You'll have to be patient. I'm pretty tired. What is it you want to talk about?' I replied that I was missing him, wanted to see him, and that I hoped he would say this isn't what he wanted. But that we could leave it if he preferred? He said it was up to me if I wanted to wait until he was more alert but that of course he wanted to see me, as he always does. Bearing in mind we wouldn't have another opportunity to see eachother in at least a week and this felt like an important conversation to have, I went.

He lives an hour and a halfs drive away. I got there and he was clearly exhausted and didn't want me there at all. He was hostile and seemed angry. I asked him perfectly calmly why he had said he wanted to see me if he didn't, and why he didn't just rearrange? He said he'd told me he was tired. I said I felt uncomfortable and like I should probably leave. There were long silences while he crashed about making food. It was really tense. At one point he said, "Just go." So I said ok, and left.

It was an hour and a halfs drive back in the freezing fog and I was very upset. We haven't spoken a word since and I have no intention of contacting him.

But I want to know - was I in the wrong here? He seems to feel that I should have picked up on his hints. But he said he wanted me to go and there's no tone or body language to go on over messenger. I'm not a mind reader. I feel he should have communicated more effectively. Also, it was a bad nights sleep and he was tired. Well, we're all tired sometimes. It wouldn't stop me having an important conversation with someone I supposedly loved after they had driven all that way.

I feel I have been treated very badly. Have I? Or AIBU?

Talk about over analysing everything.
If you didn’t want to finish with him, why did you tell him you were finished?
Sorry, but you sound a bit childish to me and maybe you’re not really ready to get involved with someone if you’re too busy playing mind games.
“I’ll finish it with him so he’ll be devastated and tell me how devastated he is and then he’ll be more demonstrative and beg me to change my mind”

Far too much drama.

I think you've not treated him very nicely at all. Take some time out from the relationship/dating world and figure out what you want. Don't drag someone else into it.

There's no power struggle.

He's not interested in you any more unfortunately, because since the start of this (very short) relationship you've told him repeatedly that you are not happy and then you ended it. You invented a scenario in your head about a drama-filled, intense reunion but in real life you have complained since the start!

(reservations that I have expressed honestly.) I have almost walked away a couple of times

I'm taking on board what people are saying. But actually I think it's him that blows hot and cold. I have at least tried to be open and honest about my reservations and where I'm at. He has a tendency to drink too much and it is when he's drunk that he's very demonstrative and open with his emotions. He's much more reserved when sober and that has made me feel quite insecure, and suspect that in reality he isn't really feeling it, which obviously hasn't brought out the best in my character.

He has just messaged along the lines of, 'So that's torn it then.'

I have said yes it has. I've apologised for my part in messing him about, have said I understand why he felt confused and upset, and that I can see where I've gone wrong. But that at the same time letting me drive home like that was really upsetting.

And rather than acknowledge we both have a part to play and that I'm trying to be decent, he's just angry again. Apparently "no one forced me to drive home but that just makes him look bad so round of applause."

He's impossible and spoiling for a fight. I'm trying to own my stuff and placate him.

Sounds like a lot of drama for so early in a relationship, the early days should be the fun time.

You just want to be wanted - your comment about pillows still smelling of you tells me that all this drama is because he’s not the person you want him to be , he’s not a character in some romantic period drama stop trying to force him to be

I think you’ve been quite unkind towards him.

You wanting to meet him was you wanting a teen angst driven declaration of love towards you that he clearly didn’t want play a part in.

He is a real person not a part in some drama you are concocting.

He was a shit to be so passive aggressive when he could’ve just said ‘no, sorry tonight’s not convenient’ but you are quite clearly playing with him.

Either apologise for they way you have been behaving, hope he overlooks it and you can start again or move on and leave him alone.

It shouldn’t be this hard and I would take a look at yourself and why you need to make all this drama and angst, are you bored? Read too many romantic novels? very young? Or not picking the romantic poet type (read angst ridden drama queen) that it sounds like you need?

I have apologised. I despise romantic novels. I'm not young.

He's impossible and spoiling for a fight. I'm trying to own my stuff and placate him

Honestly, this man can't win. You should let him go for his own sake. I'm not trying to be mean but I can't see anything that he's done so wrong that justifies the way you talk about him in your posts.

Following your update he couldn't win, if he said he was too tired you would have taken that as him not being interested. What was he genuinely supposed to do other than fawn over you?

You come across as needed a lot of emotional attention whereas he is more of going with the flow, so he hasn't picked up on your hints, let alone if he would want to anyway.

You broke up with him, he missed you, then you contact him to give a very confusing message about wanting to see him. At this point, it was clear to him that the post was on your court and it was for you to make efforts to try to get him back. Instead, you went there expecting him to treat you like a princess, make you feel special so that you could, in the end, say 'ok, fair enough, I'll continue with you....(if you always put in the effort to show me how very special for you I am).

Instead, he was tired of all this game playing, so agreed to you coming, if you wanted to, but not to give you anything that for all he knew, you could throw back at his face.

You are making things much too complicated, intense and exhausting much too early in the relationship. He is already tired and it's only been 2 1/2 months, so little investment.

You need to move on and think of how you are coming across to a new boyfriend. If you don't feel it from the start, don't bother and move on.

Yeah, when you've dumped someone it's not on to meet up to tell them you miss then but don't want to get back together. Unkind imo. Leave him alone.

Why are you still communicating with each other? You were barely even together for 5 minutes and it sounds like you don’t particularly like each other. Just stop replying and carry on your life as normal.

Wow, just delete and block him. 10 weeks in is not worth it.

But that at the same time letting me drive home like that was really upsetting

Sorry I agree with most others, he didn’t ‘let you drive home’ like anything, you chose to go there and you chose to leave. He was clearly hoping for a warmer greeting or something, you both sound confused about what you want, whether this meet up was for ‘closure’ (godawful word that it is!) or another chance for you both to enthusiastically get back together.

You need to stop messing about. If you’re going to be together then you HAVE to put shitty arguments behind you and move on. If you move on, you don’t get to meet up and dissect the break up for your own peace of mind.

I know it’s hard. DP and I have had some belting rows and the reconciliation is always tricky - both expecting the other to have seen the error of their ways, but then inevitably disappointed when that’s not the case! But if it had been like this from day 1, I’d have run like the wind! It’s too soon for all this angst tbh, you should both be on best behaviour at this stage! Sounds like maybe you’re not ready for a relationship or if you are, not with him!

There isn’t an issue if you want to live your life as an angsty drama, some people are into that and live like a Twilight film, but you need to pick a bloke that is that way inclined too.

If you set the bar at wanting declarations of undying love then you’re never going to be happy unless you find a partner that wants the same thing, which means moving on pretty quickly when you realise your date isn’t that way inclined.
You can’t mould people into what you want, you have to be clear you want x,y,z and if your date doesn’t fit that criteria move on or you’re just playing with people.

He asked me to leave. He said, "Just go." In my mind, if someone asks you to leave their home, you have to go.

he felt he couldn't bear being alone in his flat where his pillows still smelt of me.

That would have been it for me, lucky escape.

I find it strange and sad that Mumsnet posters can’t comprehend the the idea of being in love early on in a relationship. My (now) DH (of many happy years!) and I were already engaged within the amount of time that you’ve been dating, and I was expecting our (planned) first child not long after. Sometimes you just KNOW that this is the person you are meant to be with. I don’t think time is any indicator of how strong a persons feelings are or how serious or important a relationship is. So I think the people being like ‘it’s been 2 months forget it!’ are being dismissive and missing the point completely. He could very well love you. But it sounds like you don’t love him, because if you did there’s no obstacle you couldn’t overcome. DH and I had some whoppers and we overcame them without ever doubting we would because we loved each other. But you say you’ve been seriously have doubts throughout the relationship and you’ve been vocal about these. My thoughts about this are 1) if the doubts are more serious than your feelings than you’re not that serious about him, and you said yourself that you never felt madly in love 2) if he does love you then I can see why he’s a bit pissed off and fed up. He’s poured his heart out to you and told you he loves you and got a load of doubt back in return, and then you randomly dump him and then decide you’ve changed your mind and want to go and talk it all through when he’s exhausted and probably already feeling shit because he loves someone who doesn’t love him back and has just been dumped and now the dumper suddenly likes him again just two days later and it’s probably all just a headfuck to be honest. I feel sorry for him and think you need to seriously decide once and for all if you’re in or out because if this guy loves you he deserves to not be messed around. It’s horrible to be in his position - the one who feels more strongly or is more certain, and it’s probably much worse for him now you’ve dumped him because he’s in a really vulnerable place. Decide: are your feelings for him stronger than your doubts about him? Do you want it to work? Do you love him? Do you want to overcome to obstacles? If yes then just forget that he wasn’t emotional and grumpy today (who isn’t after just being dumped?! Especially when knackered). Just forget it and let it go. But if no, to any of those questions, then you should just stay separated as it’s not fair on him.

He has a tendency to drink too much and it is when he's drunk that he's very demonstrative and open with his emotions

FFS Run!, and Run now.

Disaster here in the making really is just leave it and now!

Just leave it now, OP. Going over and over what went wrong won't change things.

He asked me to leave. He said, "Just go." In my mind, if someone asks you to leave their home, you have to go

Or you say “I’ve just driven for an hour and half because I care about you and I want to sort it out. Sure I can go, but why don’t I help you sort the food out and we can at least sit down and try and talk about things over dinner first?”

Or you say “fine I’ll go then” and bitch about the fact he didn’t stop you.

Its instinctive to leave (or to tell someone else to leave) because the alternative is a horrid atmosphere or a blazing row, which nobody wants.

The better option is an actual conversation.

So you went out for 10 weeks, fell out/broke up numerous times in that time, he blows hot and cold and is spoiling for a fight? After 10 weeks?! I'm not sure why is even still getting a second of head space tbh.

I think he was wrong to say yes to you going at all.

He should have just told you that you'd ended it & that was that imo.

You were also wrong to want to see him after ending it-what was the point?

But "letting you drive home" wtf?

You were the one wanting to go to see him!

If there's stuff about him that you don't like, just end it!

What TheMobile said.

Eleanor, no, I don't think you can love a person after 2 months, you don't even know them. You got lucky. FAR too often people, especially women, hang onto shit relationships they should have ended at 2 months because they believe in bullshit like 'love overcomes all obstacles' and 'love' that really isn't at all because they don't know the person.

A lot of immature people are in love with love or being 'in love'.

This man sounds too intense and it's pathetic to hang onto such a dramatic 'relationship' of only 2 months thinking it will get better. Therein lies the likes of Prince Harry.