Poor DH not getting a break......but it’s fine for me to not have a break?!

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I can’t tell if I’m overreacting?

I’m a nurse and my husband is a teacher.

I work two days a week, I work my shifts two days in a row, and I’m out the house for over 14 hours each day. I leave the house at 6.50am and am usually home at about 9.30pm. I’m obviously very worn out by the time I get home on my first day, and by the end of my second day I’m shattered.

My husband works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7am and is back by 4.15pm.

We have two children, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The 5 year old is at school and the 2 year old goes to a childminder on the days I work.

My husband goes to the gym about three evenings a week once the children are in bed which he can obviously only do because I’m at home to sit with the children. He also goes 1-2 mornings a week before work, so he leaves the house at about 5am so I do all the morning routine myself when the children wake up at about 6am.

The only time I get to do something for myself is for 2 hours on a Friday morning and the 2 year old goes to his childminder during that time to enable me to do it.

On the 5 days I’m not at work I do all the housework jobs, I do the school runs, the homework, the bath times, the bedtimes and I obviously have the 2 year old during the day. My two year old also still wakes 1-2 times a night which I get up and deal with.

When my husband comes home he will cook us our evening meal.

My Manager spoke to me earlier and asked if I could swap my shifts this week to work this coming Saturday and Sunday as they are short staffed. I checked with DH to make sure he/we didn’t have any plans and he said it was fine to work the weekend.

I have since bumped into my FIL, it came up in conversation and he did not look happy and implied that it wasn’t really fair as it meant my DH “wouldn’t get a break.”

I felt so angry and thought, and when the hell do you think I get a break?!

I’m either doing my back to back shifts at work or I’m with the children and doing the day-to-day parenting that I listed above.

He then said he would have to take the children for some periods over the weekend so DH can have some rest and also so he can get to the gym when he wants to go .

He’s never offered to have the children for some periods during the days when I’m at home with them though so that I can have some rest or pursue a leisure activity.....

My DH was away last weekend at a sports fixture, from Friday night through to Sunday night and my FIL obviously thinks solo parenting is fine when the mother has to do it, but God Forbid the father has to look after his children for a weekend whilst the wife has to work.

During the weekend DH was away I didn’t see my father in law once, he didn’t pop round and offer to mind the children for a few hours so I could have some downtime, but as soon as my DH has got to solo parent for two days in a row, suddenly he’s falling over himself to look after the children so DH can have a break.

My DH doesn’t have a problem at all with having the children on his own for both days, he’s really hands on and it wouldn’t even cross his mind that he deserves rest at the weekend. He understands that we both work and the children are both of our responsibilities and we just crack on with it as a team.

I don’t expect any help from FIL at all, that’s not the point of the post, it’s just the complete double standards of it all that’s made me feel so annoyed.

He will now doubt pass underhand comments to my DH about how bad he’s got it because he shouldn’t be expected to look after the children at the weekend when he’s “been at work all week”.

His attitude has really pissed me off

I think FIL is stuck in the 50s by the sound of things! Did his wife work at all? Maybe he still feels like Men cant cope and need to be "helped "where we women can all manage fine and it comes "naturally " to us !

ha chalk it up - my DH once had the DC sick with a tummy bug whilst I was away on work - FIL was so sympathetic, I can't count the number of times he's been away when everyone has been sick including me and I've had to get on with it.

Sexism is getting better generation on generation.

FIL obviously thinks solo parenting is fine when the mother has to do it, but God Forbid the father has to look after his children
My mum has this exact attitude. She’s nearly 70. My poor brothers “have to iron their own shirts”, “finish work then cook tea” or “take the children to get their new school shoes” She’s is genuinely horrified that my brothers do these tasks. “They are married men and they work you know”
My sister and I however can do the lions share of housework and childcare without so much as a comment.
It doesn’t make it right, but I think it’s generational. Wives in the 60s-70s did do everything so it’s their norm. If you’re happy with your domestic set up, just ignore FIL. If however, it does make you think that you would like DH to do more, address that with him so it becomes more equal in terms of down time. Just because you don’t have somewhere to be, doesn’t mean you should be on duty at home!

OP is your MIL still about? She clearly did a better job at raising him than his father would have done if parenting alone.

Wow. Need that job. Nobody I know in teaching, senior or junior, finishes before 6-7pm

Clearly you don't know any teachers that think and work efficiently. What a shame.

OP is your MIL still about? She clearly did a better job at raising him than his father would have done if parenting alone.

Sadly not

My DH’s is very, very similar to DH in terms of being hands on and equal parenting, teamwork within their marriage and making sure his wife gets downtime etc, so they were both obviously raised with the right attitude from MIL. His wife is a SAHM though so I’m sure FIL is horrified at the thought of BIL having to partake in housework or childcare

my DH’s brother

My MIL is a bit like this with my teacher OH - that because he's in a classroom with 30 kids all the week, god forbid he spends two full days at the weekend looking after his own DC. Thankfully he thinks she's an idiot and ignores her as much as I do.

Wow I would not accept that poor level of contribution from your dh. And yes fil is a wally. Maybe ask if fil ok to give you a break every now and then.
If were me personally I'd see nothing wrong with taking yourself off on a jolly for a weekend here and there and let the pair of them sort the childcare. Sounds like your dh can do this so it should absolutely be equal. You're actually contributing to the unequal treatment without realising it I think by being the default carer at all times.

OP sounds to me like your MIL was determined to ensure the next generation were better prepared for the modern world. Good job that woman.

OP, just take no notice whatsoever. Your FIL is a loon. Many people are. You can’t help them.

I think posters are mistaking for your moan about your FIL as a moan about your DH. Parenting of small children and holding down jobs and running a house is hard work, especially if you are doing all those things well and to your best efforts. The problem is that your FIL has spoken out of turn and/or voiced his concerns in a way which in which he is clearly sensitive to your DH but completely insensitive to you being in the same boat as DH in terms of demands on time, pressures of life etc.

I think you should maybe have a chat with your DH to see if there is anything you could rearrange in any way that would make life in any way easier, and also you could maybe harness FIL more as and when he is happy to help out. Your DH probably needs to voice praise of you and highlight the part you play more so FIL is more aware of that.

I really, really hope that if and when I'm a MIL I will remember how hard it is to work, parent young children and run a house for both the parents not just my own DC and that I will offer both support and praise. After all, your FIL might be DH's dad but it's an ideal situation that both a DC and their spouse feel supported as much as can be offered by the PIL if not for the spouse, then for the stability and happiness of the DGC and the success of the family unit as a whole.

"when I’m at home with the children during the week there just isn’t the opportunity for me to do things."

But your husband gets in at 4.15!

I'm not exactly sure that this is FIL's fault tbh.

Your husband could tell him not to be so daft that he can miss gym for once.

YANBU! What a horribly sexist, old-fashioned pig your FIL is. If I ever heard a comment like this from my in laws, I’d tell them in case they hadn’t noticed, we’re not in the fifties anymore when women were nothing more than skivvies. And I’d feel very sorry for his wife.

But your husband gets in at 4.15!

I know he does.....but then meal preparation starts, homework, eating, bath time, reading and then putting the boys to bed.

This thread is in no way a complaint about how things are between me and my DH and how our times and jobs are split - we are very happy with how things work and we work well together as a team.

This thread is solely about my FIL’s attitude that DH shouldn’t have to look after the children on his own because he deserves a break, yet he doesn’t bat an eyelid at all the time I spend looking after the children and never getting a break.

The reason I asked about why you haven't spoken with your DH about having your own regular leisure time is because your FILs comment clearly struck a nerve, and I suspect thats because he was proposing an unfair addition to a situation that ALREADY feels unfair to you.

You've even titled the thread "It's ok for me to not have a break", and it sounds like your "me time" has to be carefully scheduled on a case-by-case basis, at extra cost to the family, as a special one-off thing, whereas your DH seems to have a lot of settled fixed days, fixed times, fixed costs time permanently on the calendar.

Even your Friday morning activity mentions the "cost of childcare we don't need" whereas theres no mention of that in amongst the things your DH does. Can't even one of his evening gym sessions be swapped to you? Is there no regular weekend time you can have?

Well I agree that FIL's attitude is stuck in the past.

And will probably continue to be so while everyone seems to put your husband's gym sessions above all else!

I'm not sure that it's up to him to provide you with a break though.

OP, if your DF babysat for you to have free time, would you expect him to do the same for your DH? If not, then I see no reason why FIL cannot help his son out and your DP's help you out?

@QueenofmyPrinces

But your husband gets in at 4.15!

I know he does.....but then meal preparation starts, homework, eating, bath time, reading and then putting the boys to bed.

If he gets in at 4.15 ,you have 1 child in school.There cant be that much homework.Just pick one of them nights to go off and relax.

Your fil is going to help his child out more than you.Same way your dp would help you out quicker..Its just the way it goes.

@GrumpyHoonMain - what a bonkers comment: I would suggest he probably isn’t doing his job properly which based on what you said about everything else he doesn’t do seems about right.

How on earth can you pass comment on how op's dh does his job?!

OP, sounds like your h is pretty good at doing his share but he seems to get a lot more free time than you do - are you happy with this??

Even your Friday morning activity mentions the "cost of childcare we don't need" whereas theres no mention of that in amongst the things your DH does. Can't even one of his evening gym sessions be swapped to you? Is there no regular weekend time you can have?

I work every Sunday so Saturday is the only weekend day that I’m at home. DH has suggested I take some time off to go and do something for myself, but because it’s the only real family time we get I prefer to do something together. I really miss spending quality time with our eldest son now he’s started school and the only time I see him is the morning rush and evening rush, so I really enjoy being able to spend all of Saturday with him.

I can’t drive anywhere, my hobbies are ones I would do in the house anyway so there isn’t really much I would be doing anyway. DH will always let me have a Saturday morning lie-in and bring me breakfast in bed so at least I get 2-3 hours childfree time then.

My DH does his best to ensure I get some downtime and will always check with me before he goes to the gym in case I would prefer he stay in for any reason on the evening.

I have recently lost my licence due to medical reasons and feel pretty much housebound. I used to be able to partake frequently in activities for myself and do things I enjoy, go and visit friends and family, and all of that has now been taken away from which is why I don’t really get any me time’ anymore.

I think that’s also why I’m annoyed at
My FIL because I’ve got total cabin fever, I’ve had to give up a lot of things that I enjoyed doing, I’m isolated from my friends and family, yet my DH who has the ability to drive off and do whatever he likes is the one who needs a break.

Do you actually want a break OP?

You say things are fine with the way you and your DH split things. That's the main issue.
Your problem is that your FIL thinks only your DH needs a break (and he will help enable that to happen), and that you don't.

It sounds like he's right - you don't want/need a break to do something for yourself.

If not, then I see no reason why FIL cannot help his son out and your DP's help you out?

Then I guess it’s just unfortunate that FIL is retired and lives two streets away, whereas my parents live 40 minutes away, my mom is in ill health and my father works full time.

I had best just suck it up then and accept I don’t deserve any down time because I’m not biologically related to my FIL.

Fil needs to mind his own business.

I do kind of think that maybe your DH has had a moan to him about the shift swap and not having a break otherwise why would fil feel so able to approach the subject with you?

IMO you do too much, he needs to compromise his hobbies and gym so you both get downtime as he clearly gets way more than your 2 hours on a Friday morning. I’d say the days you work your back to back shifts he can’t go to the gym and has to do the childcare/making dinner etc etc but on the days you don’t work then I’d say you need to do what housework you can get done until he comes home and then both parent the children. I’d also say he can only afford the time to go to the gym once a day, twice and he’s being selfish considering you don’t get anywhere near the same .

Ah I see, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling stuck due to things you can't control, it's horrible!

You say things are fine with the way you and your DH split things. That's the main issue.

I am fine with how we split things, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like a few hours to myself one day

As has been said, FIL basically thinks that’s it’s fine for me to have the children all weekend whilst DH is away on a trip abroad, but doesn’t think it’s right that DH should have to do the same whilst I’m at work and do he’s going to provide childcare on both days to enable my DH to have a break.