Not buying DD presents for Christmas

[bahhumbug5]

Don't want to drip feed so might have some irrelevant info 😩

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, age 8 and 9 I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 4 and I always spend around £80 each on them at Christmas. DP always goes over board for birthdays and Christmas but it's his money so not my problem.

We now have an 18 month old, she was very prem and still wasn't doing much by last Christmas so I put £150 in her savings account (we have separate money) and didn't buy any toys as family gave us money for her to buy things as we need it. DP didn't put any money away and buy anything as he said she had gifts from my family (my family have always got DSC presents too). This pissed me off but I thought, meh, she's 6 months old she doesn't know what's going on. Same thing happened for her 1st birthday, again I put £150 away as we combined it with a christening and she had quite a lot of money and gifts (all gone into her savings), and at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

This Christmas, she more mobile and alert and she's very aware of toys. I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing. He said she will have loads from family Members anyway. The children have an active mother and family on her side, so will not be going without presents on maternal side either.

I think it's fucking disgusting and tempted to LTB over it.

AIBU?

If you have separate finances why not agree what's being spent on DD then ask him for half the amount into your account before you buy it?

Whereas his children he signs all his presents "love daddy" and they have a few gifts from me. Not sure why but it's how we've always done it.

I think that’s a big problem tbh. I think they should all be from both of you. Even my dad and step mum do this, and they didn’t meet until I was in my mid-twenties! What about other presents? For example other family members. I think when you’re a couple it’s pretty standard to sign off from both, unless I was buying for a friend of mine or colleague who DH doesn’t really know or spend time with. All family presents and close friends are from both of us (even if we both didn’t contribute financially or even know what the other person bought!)

As other posters have asked, does he contribute to the upkeep of your dd in other ways throughout the year? Baby equipment, milk, nappies, what has he bought for her? I agree with others that almost £1000 being collectively (but separate) spent on your dsd's at Xmas is too much. Joint presents should be given to them, signed from 'dad and stepmum' you are a couple. Your dd is still little so doesn't need that much, but I can see you are also upset by the lack of emotional input too, especially if you see him spending lots of time deciding what to buy his other DDs.

Could it be he is under pressure to match up to his DDs mother, in contribution at Xmas. Will she be annoyed, punish him, if he doesn't spend a lot or bad mouth him to others? Just a thought.

People are focussing on the fact you don't have joint finances. So to provide a counterpoint, my husband and I have completely joint finances. He will always involve himself in conversations about what we buy our children for Christmas. He thinks about it, he browses for toys and makes suggestions. He makes an effort because he wants to make DC happy.

Op's partner doesn't seem to have control anything in terms of finances or thought? And it's the latter that's the big problem. How do you go out and buy £800 worth of presents for 2 kids and nothing for the 3rd? That is awful!

not the point by you spent £150 on toys for an 18 months old?! I don't even spend that for my 8 year old.

It's a bit unusual that you buy for the kids separately and results in you spending way too much - but given that this is how you are doing it, no you are not being unreasonable.

If he expects you to buy for his then he is way out of line, so definitely don't do that.

But of course the situation is worse than that because it is not a case of your children vs his children, they are ALL his children and he ought to care about them all equally. If he doesn't and this is a symptom of a wider issue, the yes I would leave him.

Whereas his children he signs all his presents "love daddy" and they have a few gifts from me. Not sure why

Because he's an arsehole, I can't believe you let that happen. You need to wake up to the fact that he's being a shit father, a shit partner and generally a selfish twat. In the nicest possible way, you're being a doormat and you need to stand up for yourself. No one else can do it for you.

• Meh. DH bought nothing for YOUR child. You bought nothing for HIS children.

Does HE think that's "fucking disgusting", & is he tempted to leave you over it?*

No, DH bought nothing for their child. He is her father too. But different.

I’m not sure what I would OP. It is such a bizarre situation, I can’t imagine being in it. I have a step son, also known since he was 3 (he’s 18 now) DH bought stuff for him solo until we moved in together then money was pooled. When we had our own children, the same.

I’m sure you’ve bought enough toys for your DD and if your DP bought more toys it would be excessive.

So have you asked him to contribute half of the amount you have spent?

If he refuses, them I’d certainly be reconsidering things.

@merryhouse I love you - my favourite post ever. How come people always focus on the wrong thing?

How is he as a father to your (shared) child? Is he loving, does he cuddle her, does he play with her, does he fed and care for her?

If the answers to these questions are yes, then I think you are putting the cart before the horse.
If he is a crap and disinterested father, then the money situation that you describe is probably a sign of general disinterest. In which case splitting may be an option. Although in that scenario why you would be leaving your and your baby's home is beyond me.

The OP clearly says that she does buy for his kids. In the very first post.

That is immaterial really however, as it is totally different to him not buying his own blood a gift.

I don't know. We bought very little for our daughter in the way of birthday / Christmas presents, until she was 3 or 4. She just wasn't aware of the concept, and family would give her plenty of things to open. Is it possible that your partner feels like that? It might not be a less-favoured child issue, and more a lack of seeing eye-to-eye on how many presents a child that age really needs.

If you ignore the money (which clouds things a bit) and think of it terms of both effort and the messages it sends, it becomes clearer I think.
The father of all three children makes a huge effort for two of those children. He writes messages on their presents to make sure they know that the gifts are from him alone, and anything his partner gives is separate. He puts no effort into his third child's gifts and is dismissive about suggestions that he should.
Admittedly, the toddler will know no different for a while, but this is a terrible message for the older kids. Their father is making it clear that he and his current partner are not a family unit and their joint child is less important to him that the older ones.
I would feel very hurt and excluded by this and I might be taking extra care to ensure that I could manage well on my own if it should become necessary. None of this is exactly screaming "happily ever after" is it?

It sounds like he is relying on you and your family to treat DD so that he can treat his other DDs.

Does he give DD as much attention as his other other kids?

I think you should stop the £150 in to your dd’s account and start your own separate savings account for her.

Also tell your parents to stop buying for DSC until he starts treating his third child equal to his first two.

The reason for the above is there is a risk this dynamic will continue throughout their lives, although your dd is still young.

We also have separate finances.Why don’t you just ask for a contribution to what you spend? I buy the majority of things for our daughter because I like choosing things and I get it organised before Christmas Eve which is when my partner would be shopping! I just tell him what things I’ve bought and he says “how much shall I put in your account?”. If he’s not prepared to even contribute in that way, then I would be having serious discussions about equal treatment of his children.

@messolini9 but OP's child is also the father's child - if he is buying for his other two children, he should also buy for his third!

@messolini9 why is it ok for an actual parent to buy nothing for his youngest child, but not ok for a step parent (whose role in the children's lives could vary greatly but in a vast majority of cases will NOT be as central to or responsible for the child as an actual parent) to buy nothing for them?

I think we've got a representative of the "I don't give a fuck about second families" brigade here to throw out some double standards.

£150 is extreme for an 18 month old. My DS will be 14 months old at Christmas and I’ve spent about £50 on him which is more than enough.

His other children are older and actually understand Christmas so I can understand him spending a lot more on them. My older three are getting way more spent on them than the baby because they’re older so want more expensive things. The baby has no idea what’s going on and will probably be more interested in the wrapping paper.

There are so many variables here that it is impossible to draw any real conclusions.

Writing messages on gift tags to children who can actually read the tags is different to not writing on the tag to a child that cannot read yet.

The elaborate gifts and messages of love could be down to guilt or compensating for the fact that he has split from their mother and has started another family.
What I don't get is how you can live together, have a child together and still operate so separately.
TBH I think you are both being unreasonable and if you think that buying gifts and spending money is what is important then you are just plain wrong.

I'm on the fence with this, I guess it depends on dynamics and finances within your family. I've bought all my DDs (from a previous relationship) presents, all the presents for our DS and some for his eldest DS (from a previous relationship). I've also bought all my family's and his many nieces and nephews. He's buying a mountain bike for his eldest DS and nothing for our DS. However, I see it as from us both anyway, he contributes far more financially to the household and I see it as taking the strain from him to sort as much as the Christmas stuff as I can. I also know he would give me money towards it all if I asked him so its different in that respect

All of OPs posts are about money and not any information about how he actually performs and behaves as a father.

When our kids were little, we spent less on them because gifts for younger kids are just less expensive. So in that respect, I don't think there's a problem with spending $400 each on the older kids and not on the baby; if he spent $400 on her, she'd have $550 worth of stuff. That's crazy for an 18-month-old!

We have three kids, the boys are older and our daughter is younger. When she was your daughters age, they were 13 and 11, so we did spend quite a bit more on them at Christmas, because she needed fewer things, the items for her age were less expensive, and she didn't really "get it" anyway.

However, I do think he should be contributing to her gifts. Since you keep separate finances, would you be happy for him to pay you back half of what you spent? So you'd each put in $75.

DH bought nothing for YOUR child.
You bought nothing for HIS children.

But OP's child is HIS child too.

I would be very upset about that too OP. It's a difficult one- i am sure your DD would rather have her DF with her than presents, so this in itself does not warrant a LTB in my opinion (at least not yet). Some people just can't come up with gift ideas. Your DH probably buys expensive gifts for his other children because they ask for them. But with your DD being so young he probably can't think of what to get her. Tbh i don't know what to get my own DD (nearly 2) for her birthday either. Do you think you should maybe find a few toys that you would like to get your DD and suggest that you both go halves on these or that you get some and he gets others? He might be open to this as it takes away having to think about what to get a toddler and that's a start. Or suggest to him that you both need to go on a shopping trip together to get DD her pressies and thereby he will get more involved with buying her presents. My DH is not very good at buying presents either but when i suggest we get our DD whatever present/s he would gladly get them.