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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not buying DD presents for Christmas

107 replies

bahhumbug5 · 20/11/2019 10:12

Don't want to drip feed so might have some irrelevant info 😩

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, age 8 and 9 I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 4 and I always spend around £80 each on them at Christmas. DP always goes over board for birthdays and Christmas but it's his money so not my problem.

We now have an 18 month old, she was very prem and still wasn't doing much by last Christmas so I put £150 in her savings account (we have separate money) and didn't buy any toys as family gave us money for her to buy things as we need it. DP didn't put any money away and buy anything as he said she had gifts from my family (my family have always got DSC presents too). This pissed me off but I thought, meh, she's 6 months old she doesn't know what's going on. Same thing happened for her 1st birthday, again I put £150 away as we combined it with a christening and she had quite a lot of money and gifts (all gone into her savings), and at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

This Christmas, she more mobile and alert and she's very aware of toys. I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing. He said she will have loads from family Members anyway. The children have an active mother and family on her side, so will not be going without presents on maternal side either.

I think it's fucking disgusting and tempted to LTB over it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

RedskyToNight · 20/11/2019 11:01

Your 18 month old will not know who bought her what present (and will probably prefer the box/wrapping paper anyway). So I couldn't get bothered about a child that seems to be showered in gifts not getting any more. With the age gap, it's likely that his children will always have more spent on them in a particular year than yours; that doesn't mean it won't even out over time.

I'd be focusing on whether he otherwise treats her fairly (and fair does not mean equal) compared to his other children?

Pinkblueberry · 20/11/2019 11:02

I don’t understand why you’re spending separately like this on presents I buy presents for my mum, sister etc DH for his side but both our names are on the tags. We both buy things for DS but we don’t keep count of who spent what really, we sort of guess that we’ve spent more or less evenly and see the presents as from both of us as we still choose them together. I do think it’s odd that your DH spends so much on his older kids and nothing on his youngest - but maybe it’s just an age thing. I can imagine buying for older children who know what they want is easier than for babies.

LagunaBubbles · 20/11/2019 11:05

I can't think why a couple in a relationship with a child would be buying separate presents for them. My DH and I can buy things separately but they are always from the both of us.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/11/2019 11:06

As others have said, what about day-to-day expenses? Is he financially fair between the DC except at Xmas and birthdays

This is more of an issue. As long as the 18 MO has age appropriate toys and treats, there's absolutely no need to spend a lot of money on Christmas presents and putting money into savings for her is a great idea. She has no concept of what Christmas means and you could wrap her up a box of balloons and she'd get just as much enjoyment as an expensive present.

But what's far more important is that both you and DP are fairly contributing to the cost of her general upbringing (and general household costs and duties, assuming that you do live together of course).

If you're unsure, you could work out what this should be, including the cost of presents/savings for her, and make sure he contributes an appropriate amount, taking income into account, plus the costs of his DC that are not yours.

Purpledragon40 · 20/11/2019 11:07

Is DP contributing for your DD at all? Like ok he might not buy Christmas presents but does he provide for her generally. I wouldn't LTB if the presents are coming from you but generally DP is providing for his child though if he isn't I think you have a problem greater than Christmas presents.

RossPoldark · 20/11/2019 11:08

All 3 children are his and he is only buying (massive amounts!) for 2 of them? That is horrible and really weird.

I can understand not buying loads for babies or tiny tots or if money is very tight but his behaviour is so strange.

SunshineAngel · 20/11/2019 11:09

I don't know why you even bother being together if you're being like this.

If it was me and my partner, I would buy our child presents, and he would buy for his two. That way I'd still have spent less, because he has two of his own to fork out for!

I wouldn't mind either.

I don't understand couples who see finances as completely rigid and separate. If you're living like that you're pretty much housemates.

AudTheDeepMinded · 20/11/2019 11:16

It does sound unequal, but perhaps he spends such a lot on his children due to feeling guilty that he is not always there for them like he is for your mutual child?

Zilla1 · 20/11/2019 11:20

Trying to be positive, it sounds like you could do with an honest conversation with your DP about his expectations around his financial 'contributions' to your DC and his view of your DC's place in his family situation. Depending on what he says, I would tell him to give you £400 to save for your DC if she doesn't 'need' presents as she'll be receiving from other family members (to me a most odd way of thinking for a parent) and that you don't expect her to be disadvantaged compared with her half-siblings. Good luck.

sergeantmajor · 20/11/2019 11:31

Leaving the father of your child over this? Really?

Perhaps he feels that he has to compensate with his other kids with presents because he secretly favours your dd?
Perhaps he is trying to prove that he's still a good dad to his ex? There could be lots of good intentioned reasons.

Have you had this conversation yet: "I am hurt that you are giving presents to your other kids but not to our daughter. I am worried that this means she will be second best her whole life. This means a lot to me. Can you reconsider or help me understand?"

Then listen to his answer, take some time to reflect on it, and draw your own conclusion.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 20/11/2019 11:31

The presents wont be from both if they have seperate finances and what a copout anyway! Unless the stuff he buys other children are "from him and OP"? If not then OP this is disgusting and Id be raging!

Flashbackflossie · 20/11/2019 11:42

You’re being ridiculous and a bit jealous, by the sounds of it. You need to deal with that if your relationship is to grow and thrive. Will you expect your DP to prioritise your DD over his other children when she’s a bit older? If so, that’s an unrealistic expectation.

It should never be about how much money is spent per person.
Fair and equal are not the same thing.

Your DD is still a baby so has very few materialistic needs at this stage.
Whereas, an 8 and 9yr old will be very aware of not having their parents living together and your DP is trying to reassure them of his love with monetary gestures as well as time spent with them.

I think your DP is being pragmatic by pointing out that your DD will receive plenty of gifts from your family for now and he’s demonstrating how to be a caring dad to his older children. It’s not their fault that their parents are no longer together.

Cuppachino · 20/11/2019 11:46

Can't he buy the DSC from both of you and you buy DC from both of you? So the money you would've been spending on DSC can go to DD.

gingersausage · 20/11/2019 11:59

@messolini9 that doesn’t work though because OP’s child is his child too. He has three kids, she has one.

TeacupDrama · 20/11/2019 12:01

DP has 3 children ( 2 with EX 1 with OP) he should roughly spend the same on each but he has not bought his child with OP anything
OP has 1 child with DP ( she has previously bought presents for DP's older children)
he is not buying for one of his own children

DP should treat all 3 of his kids the same the older two will get presents from their mum and her family, his youngest will get presents from Op's family seems pretty equal apart form his refusal to contribute to his youngest present
unless their is a backstory that his older kids have no other family as grandparents dead etc so he spends more on them so they have the same in total as your own wee one gets loads from extended family

HeyNotInMyName · 20/11/2019 12:16

YANBU,
Whatever money you spend should bemoney you send TOGETHER. He clearky thinks ou are the one to dothe buysing but someow doesnt think about chipping in money wise.
i have an issue with the discrepency between what he spends on his two dcs and what he spends on his dd.
Favouristism never ends up well.

messolini9 · 20/11/2019 12:16

@messolini9 that doesn’t work though because OP’s child is his child too. He has three kids, she has one.

Oh but it does, @gingersausage!
When you marry a man with kids, you take on those kids too.
They are part of her family life. Of course she should buy them presents.

Or she could stop being daft, & just say that the presents he buys his 2 older kids, & the presents she buys the youngest, are from BOTH of them.

HeyNotInMyName · 20/11/2019 12:18

I have to say I woud also like to know if he is paying 50% of the cost of raising his child too.....

Original poster

bahhumbug5 · 20/11/2019 12:22

Yes we live together, we pay half for everything rent and bills etc however things like clothes I buy.

For our DD I am never going to say "this is off mommy" however I think it's the lack of contribution for ideas, money or anything really. Makes it feel like she's only my daughter and he doesn't need to bother? Whereas his children he signs all his presents "love daddy" and they have a few gifts from me. Not sure why but it's how we've always done it.

I think the point I'm trying to make is he hasn't contributed financially or emotionally towards anything for her

OP posts:

RedskyToNight · 20/11/2019 12:23

DP has 3 children ( 2 with EX 1 with OP) he should roughly spend the same on each

That doesn't make sense with children of such differing ages.
How much did DP spend on his older children when they were toddlers?

Pinkblueberry · 20/11/2019 12:24

When you marry a man with kids, you take on those kids too.

I agree, especially in the OP’s case as she says she’s been in their lives since they were 3 and 4, you cannot just separate yourself from that - I think if a man were to do that the comments would be quite different!

category12 · 20/11/2019 12:24

So crib, pushchair, car seat, baby clothes, nappies etc - did/does he contribute to those?

Original poster

bahhumbug5 · 20/11/2019 12:25

I don't want her to be favoured in any account, just treated equally. As PP have said, I have 1 child, he has 3.

OP posts:

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/11/2019 12:25

Way too much spent on all three children. So sad that it comes down to point scoring on how much each spend like it's a competition. It sounds like buying for the sake of buying rather than what is reasonable to spend on children who should be happy with much less spent on them.

PersephoneOP · 20/11/2019 12:25

@bahhumbug5 He is being really neglectful of your daughter, his children should all have an equal amount spent on them at Christmas, especially when you are buying things for your step-kids!

Please check his behaviour before your daughter gets old enough to notice it.

And don't sugar-coat how awful his attitude is when you talk to him about this!

Good luck

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