To speak to the police about my teen DS

[cricketmum84]

II don't know if I should speak to the police about this so would be grateful for any advice or views.

DS came out as trans M2F a few months ago so I will use female pronouns when talking about her. It's not relevant to the story but didn't want to get mixed up. She is also potentially on the ASD spectrum although we are on a waiting list for a diagnosis.

A couple of weeks ago a family friend alerted us to an Instagram page she had set up in secret. It's urban exploring. She has basically been going out to meet friends but has actually been in old burnt out abandoned buildings, railway lines, climbing pylons... we sat down and had a very long chat about how dangerous it was and she agreed she would stop.

Today she refused to go to school (this had been ongoing for 2 years and we are at about 45% attendance. I went to work as I had meetings I couldn't reschedule but removed all internet access from her phone as a consequence for refusing to get up. When we got home she had been using her younger sisters tablet and had left herself logged into this Instagram account. I've read messages organising a meet-up this weekend, she has told all her friends to turn up in black clothes, bring balaclavas and grippy shoes because the location is "very slippy" and asked who can access spray paint.

WIBU to contact the police tomorrow?? If I did are they likely to do anything?? We are in a very precarious position with very poor mental health, refusal to engage with GP or CAMHS, sort of engaging with a Barnados key worker at the moment but she has a habit of attacking me and running away if we try to discuss anything with her.

It’s a tough one. I would give 101 a ring and discuss it with them. As well as the antisocial part, it sounds like a high risk activity.

She sounds very vulnerable and may not fully appreciate the risk being taken.

Do whatever you have to in order to keep her safe in the immediate future, so if that means sending the police after her then so be it. The police however can only prevent an incident for as long as they are with her and obviously you need more help than that. I don't know what else to advise in terms of moving forward, o know how hard it is if they don't do operate

I am not sure what the police can do if a crime hasn’t been committed (yet) they struggle enough with the crimes they have.

I was wondering if the police spoke to her and reiterated how dangerous it was it might have more clout than me. She seems to view me as an absolute joke at the moment with no relevance at all!

I wouldn’t rule out the police being able to do something. When my DS was 14, there was a rumour at school that there was going to be a gang fight at a particular location that night. The school contacted the police, the police contacted parents. It was carnival night, so very busy, but apparently (I kept my son with me so only know from hearsay), the location named for the fight was being patrolled by police (& school staff) all evening. I would try the police but go back to CAMHS also re risk taking etc

How old is s/he?

I cam understand your worry, that kind of stuff is really dangerous if you don't know what you're doing and I can't imagine a teenager does. Not sure if the police would do anything though. I wonder if you could get someone from smother emergency service to have a chat though?

Oh sorry OP o assumed you meant send the police to the meet up, so obviously a crime in progress situation. I think you meant just the police to have a word, In which case I would actually say no to that.

I don’t think the Police have time to be honest. They’re not there to parent your child

Carry out n as you are, continue expressing normal concern to potential dangerous consequences and pick up the aftermath of the consequences as there is no one to get on the middle

Hi some people have actually died either urban exploring or railway jumping so I would google news articles and show her that. It really depends what the risks are great height risk of electrocution etc.

chat withthe community police officer - they may well know the kids involved.

Sounds like you are doing a great job of managing challenging behaviour, by the way.

Get your kid out of as much difficulty as you can whilst letting them see the consequences of their choices

@Clymene she is 15.

@weirdsmell I don't know where the meet up is so i can't tell the police where it is either.

@Numberthang yes there was a local boy who passed away in the last year doing the same thing. He fell from a roof. I have shown her the articles hoping it would highlight the dangers but she just laughs at me and says I'm over protective.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria thank you ❤️

What would happen if you arranged a family night out to coincide with the meet up. Would she refuse to attend?

@cricketmum84
That kid didn’t have overprotective parents to mind his back and now he’s dead.

I did some stupid stuff at 15 and probably thought the same thing... what do parents know about living?
Perhaps an honest conversation is required, she should tell you where she is going and what she is taking with her and that she can call you day or night if there is a problem. Unfortunately sometimes as parents we can only be there to pick up the pieces.

Urban exploring is a huge thing now, but is also very dangerous.

If you can't stop her going, i would call 101 and if possible speak to your local safer neighbourhood's team and PCSO and make them aware.

There was an incident local to me fairly recently when a boy fell from a roof and died.

Trespass is not a criminal offence, it's civil. It only becomes criminal if they cause damage - hence the police might not care, although they may come and have a chat to find out what's going on/child safeguarding concerns.

Unfortunately it's down to you to do the best parenting you can, failing that just make sure your child has grippy shoes! Must admit urban exploring was something I got a huge kick out of myself when I was younger and lots of people do it, it's like urban climbing and caving!

If you don't work on weekends, maybe a surprise mother/daughter weekend away might be a perfect solution all round.

Somewhere miles away, with no Wi-Fi and no access to a bus stop/rail station.

Suggest you need help with the food shop and just keep driving until you've traveled at least 5 hours... perhaps middle of a field, in a cabin?

All that one on one time in the car could be a great opportunity for her to bond/discuss her worries and yours.

Alternatively, tell the police.

she has a habit of attacking me and running away if we try to discuss anything with her.

Do you mean physically attacking you?

I think if she is asking people to bring spray pain then the intention is to cause damage.

I'm going to call 101 today and ask for some advice. Maybe she will listen to them over me?

@Butchyrestingface yes. It's happened a few times now.

I’m afraid I’d be considering calling the police about the physical assaults.

Your ‘daughter’ is a 15 yo biological male. How tall is she and what’s her build? What’s your build?

Definitely call 101 about the urban exploring (although I admit exploring ruinous buildings piques my interest).

We had a young boy die falling through the roof of our old cattle market here a year or so ago (can probably guess where I am now!) I think it’s frightened the local kids a bit but they do think they’re invincible!
FWIW yeah, you can ask the police and the PCSOs will help

I know I totally see what you are saying. I can't do that to her though. She is almost as tall as me, quite slight but strong. I have 2 bulging discs which causes immense pain so zaps my strength quite a bit!

Physically assaulting you? The police would be interested in that.

Are you a single parent? It sounds like urban exploring is the least of your problems.