To speak to the police about my teen DS

[cricketmum84]

II don't know if I should speak to the police about this so would be grateful for any advice or views.

DS came out as trans M2F a few months ago so I will use female pronouns when talking about her. It's not relevant to the story but didn't want to get mixed up. She is also potentially on the ASD spectrum although we are on a waiting list for a diagnosis.

A couple of weeks ago a family friend alerted us to an Instagram page she had set up in secret. It's urban exploring. She has basically been going out to meet friends but has actually been in old burnt out abandoned buildings, railway lines, climbing pylons... we sat down and had a very long chat about how dangerous it was and she agreed she would stop.

Today she refused to go to school (this had been ongoing for 2 years and we are at about 45% attendance. I went to work as I had meetings I couldn't reschedule but removed all internet access from her phone as a consequence for refusing to get up. When we got home she had been using her younger sisters tablet and had left herself logged into this Instagram account. I've read messages organising a meet-up this weekend, she has told all her friends to turn up in black clothes, bring balaclavas and grippy shoes because the location is "very slippy" and asked who can access spray paint.

WIBU to contact the police tomorrow?? If I did are they likely to do anything?? We are in a very precarious position with very poor mental health, refusal to engage with GP or CAMHS, sort of engaging with a Barnados key worker at the moment but she has a habit of attacking me and running away if we try to discuss anything with her.

Police may be able to refer your dd for support so worth contacting on this basis. There was (a few years ago anyway) something called Youth Targeting Support in our local authority which provided support to teenagers at risk of offending. I expect there is similar in other areas. They are also useful in our experience at giving a kick up the backside to agencies like CAMHS to provide support. It is worth a phone call to discuss anyway. Crime prevention is in their remit rather than just dealing with the aftermath & they may be able to send out a community officer to discuss the behaviour with your dd.

No not a single parent.

Part of the problem is that she just will not engage with anyone. We had a CAMHS referral but she refused to attend the appointments.

Yes lots of other problems. The urban exploring is just the icing on the cake to be honest. I am at a complete loss at what to do next.

You need to call the police when attacked. You cannot allow her to keep doing as she wishes, it's just fueling her. Her assaults on you are a big thing that she wishes to do.

Do you have other dc? I'd be very concerned for them if so, she could easily attack them too and certainly will be making their lives stressful.

I really feel for you. I have a teen who refused to engage with CAMHS - it's the most exasperating and worrying thing I've had to deal with.

Agree about reporting the assaults.

If you allow yourself to be treated like that then your child will treat others in the same way. And, that is not doing them any favours at all.

Tell your child "do that again and I'll involve the police - it is a crime" Which they already know. Society will not forgive them like their mammy will.

Plus, escalating it is a way to get more input.

Oh this is tough OP.
I'd contact 101 see if they can ask a community officer to have a chat.
Though this is very dangerous destructive behaviour she may need professional help. Is CAMHS available in your area.
Can you arrange private therapy.

Contact social service check if they can help with anger management too.

I see she won't engage with CAMHS sorry.
Definitely have her arrested the next time there is any aggressive behaviour towards you.
As hard as it is you need to do it.

I've already self referred to social services early help team who have given us a Barnados key worker. It's early days but she is keen to help her deal with her anger and is also trying to arrange a referral to a gender identity counsellor.

Already said she will not engage with CAMHS or the GP. I've arranged and paid for private counselling only for her to refuse to attend 5 minutes before we were due to leave the house.

I also think you need to think seriously not just about your child’s safety. It alsoabout your safety. We know most people, who commit violent crimes are male. Your daughter is a male bodied person identifying as female.

I am going to go against the grain here. The police have limited resources and are not mental health experts or social services. They have very few options once called and I cannot see any of those options achieving your aims of getting your son the psychiatric help he needs. A police officer may have a friendly chat with your child but it’s equally if not more likely they will seek to investigate a crime (criminal damage, illegally buying spray cans as under 16), may look at getting an Anti Social Behaviour Injunction etc. Your son may be arrested, his room searched (is there anything else in there you wouldn’t want police to find), may seize his phone etc and he will blame you. Once arrested he is in the criminal justice system and this will be an added stress for him and you. You need to engage with school and ask for help, contact Bernado’s key worker and seek assistance, try social services, you should contact your local youth offending team (they have the skills and expertise to help and take referrals from family - more chance of this if school back you up). Youth Offending Team help kids stay away from crime and run crime prevention programmes. The kid doesn’t have to have been convicted to get on one just ‘at risk of committing a crime’ or involved in anti social behaviour. Good luck.

Apologies for my awful grammar! Look at www.gov.uk/youth-crime-prevention-programmes

but she is keen to help her deal with her anger and is also trying to arrange a referral to a gender identity counsellor
This is key. I an sure she is extremely frustrated and angry, ASD teens suffer extreme behaviours with hormone changes.
My DD is 11 ASD she is very angry and aggressive with the changes going on.
It is really hard.
Would she like to meet with similar teens going through the change to discuss her feelings.
I stick by getting her arrested, it will be the wakeup call she needs. I was the worse teen a DM could have but I was in pain inside undiagnosed MH issues.
I eventually forgave myself. My DM had to be strong but I was extremely hurtful never violent but a complete cow, my DM was my emotional punch bag.

Exploring/ trespassing isn't a criminal matter it's a civil one. I do it quite alot, been caught a few times and it's nothing anyone really cares about ime

Graff changes that a bit but it's unlikely the police would act on it

Assaults are a criminal matter however, and thre mental health aspects complicate it further but i can't imagine grassing my own family unless it was something fucking dark