AIBU with in laws?

[Flynn2019]

Hi everyone, I am a new poster and looking for some advice before actually sending my self into a dark hole with the guilt of being a terrible person.

I have an 8 month old little boy who has seem his grandparents (in-laws) every week since he was 2 weeks old. When he was born I was breastfeeding, which I found extremely tough in the beginning and it took around 3 weeks for it to be comfortable. When my LB was around 2 weeks old my MIL kept going on about how she hasn't bonded with the baby and how she wanted time with him alone with us not there. At the time I didn't want this. The thought of leaving my little bundle was terrifying and not something I was comfortable with and was such a hassle to pump breastmilk for her to give him while I wasn't there and then for me to pump while he was away, but I felt pressure from my DH to do it as he was encouraging us to go out for dinner etc. When trying to explain to my MIL that her having him with me not there was a hassle because of BF she responded with 'I should pack in breastfeeding', this absolutely infuriated me at the time and still does. This then became a habit and MIL automatically was getting my son every Saturday afternoon. Tbh I am fine with her taking him for a few hours on a Saturday as through time I became ready to leave him.

Caveat: my DH and I r both very fussy people, we know this, and want our son raised a certain way.

Today I went to drop off my son at my in-laws for a few hours while I done a KIT day at work. When I got there I asked MIL to limit my sons time in front of the TV. This was followed by her rolling her eyes, to which I said my husband wanted the same. She then reacted by saying 'I will do what I want'. I was absolutely shocked and responded telling her how anxious that made me feel. She then responded by turning on the waterworks and saying how much this is upsetting her (upsetting her? Shouldn't I b upset at her overriding a request for MY son?) this then escalated into a bit of an argument with her bringing up how we have too many rules and also bringing up comments I have made in the past (which were not malicious but it appears she is using that as an excuse)

I had to leave their house to go to work and followed up with a text message saying I didn't want to upset anyone or argue but we have certain rules that we would like followed (the other rule being that their dog isn't allowed to lick or go near my sons face) I received back a real snarky response and then went to collect my son after work. Then my FIL tried to say how they have raised 2 children and I should trust them to look after my child, pretty much that they r going to ignore the rules that we would like in place.

There have been a few other times they have went against what I have asked but they don't really seem to care. And MIL makes out she is the victim in all of this. To top it off my parents acknowledge and follow the rules without a peep.

AIBU with how I am feeling? I am honestly starting to feel like I am the wrong one and I am being forced to bring up my child in a different way than I had hoped because of pressure from my in laws.

Sorry for such a long story there is so much more to this that I haven't even went into.

Stop leaving your child with them

You don’t like it. Then don’t go. Simple. If they want to see him. They can come to yours

Stop taking him there, she won't change, supervised access only.

She's out of order.

So your DH pressurised you into leaving your baby with them when you weren't ready.. he sounds like a peach. Does he inform his parents about both your style of parenting and expectations or does he leave that for you too? Your not happy so stop leaving your DS with them

I do get it. I felt the same when my lo was younger but as he's got older I've relaxed a bit. If they were looking after your lo for significant periods of time then I'd say different but for a few hours a week, providing you baby is loved and cared for in their care, then no harm will come of some extra TV time although I know it's not your preference. My in-laws let my lo rule the roost at theirs. He eats what he likes, watches as much TV as he likes but now he's 4, he know what he can and can't do at our house and what he can and can't do at his grandparents house. He sees going to them as a treat because he's in charge. I tend not even to ask what he's eaten or watches any more - I just tell myself he's been looked after by people who love him and who I trust and leave it at that. It's hard and in an ideal scenario they'd be more respectful of your wishes but unless they start looking after your lo more, I'd just let it go and enjoy the time to yourself.

Yep knock the visits on the head. Every Saturday? Blimey. Great they want a relationship but if they're gonna be bellends about it then they can jog on.
I never stayed with my grandparents without my parents there except for very special occasions. What is this new thing where grandparents want alone time with a new baby?

She’s had her time bonding with her own kids. This child is yours, don’t let anybody (even DH)railroad you into something you’re not comfortable with.

If your DH agrees on same rules he should be the one speaking to his parents - why isn’t he?

YANBU. You should just ask them politely to respect your wishes as it's your child you choose to raise them how you want doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If she wants quality time with your DC then why is she complaining when you're asking her not to put him in front of a screen, she should be spending time interacting with them.

All MIL get funny about breastfeed from my experience, i'm currently pregnant with my first and MiL has said it's not fair for me to breastfeed as she won't be able to feed the baby when she's first born. Strange, i think it's because they want to do it all again like the did with their own child.

You do whatever you think is best and if you aren't supported then express this feeling to them and walk away. not worth the hassle for you.

YANBU. For a few hours I probably wouldn't be fussed by the tv, but the attitude of "we'll do what we like regardless of what you ask" would make me not leave him with them.

I hate the argument of "well we've raised kids so you should let us do want we want". Raising kids doesn't mean you did everything right or that everyone else will want their kids raised the same way. My parents raised me, I'm a decent person, but they also regularly smacked me and if they ever smacked my DD I'd be livid, and if they used the excuse of "well we raised you just fine so you should trust that we know what we're doing" it would absolutely not cut it.

Thank you everyone for your responses. When I eventually return to work at the end of January the intention would be for them to look after my soon for 2 and half days of the week. However, after today I am feeling like I might consider nursery as this all seems to be getting too much.

I am so appreciative of them loving my son and wanting to see him but surely it can't all b on their terms? My DH feels caught in the middle. He agrees with what I say but at the same time doesn't want a fall out between his parents and me. I totally understand that just wish he would have my back more

It's completely inappropriate and unfair of your in law's to pressure a breastfeeding mother to leave her baby. Your DH sounds like an utter arsehole for not supporting you.

Frankly you have a shit DH problem.
Your in laws sound mad, you're the person who grew this tiny human inside you, bore him, and raise him... Your in law's seem to think they're his parents and get a vote?! Wtf?

You need to sort this out with DH. Get in the same page & tackle it within agreed boundaries together.

I wouldn't have put up with being dictated to about my own baby, you've been more than accomodating here.

Your DH needs to grow a spine if he agrees with you but does what makes his parents happy. You need to nip this in the bud now and ensure that the 2.5 days a week childcare is at nursery in case they seek grandparents rights (generally not a thing in the UK unless it's beneficial to continue an existing access pattern).. if the relationship sours further.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Please please please do not let anyone put u off breastfeeding if that is what u want to do. After the tough initial period it was the best thing I done but regret I spent so much time pumping in order for him to go with my in laws when I didn't want it. After 6 months of BF I decided it was time to wean him on to formula and he had his last BF a week and a half ago. While it makes me sad, my son is absolutely fine with this. Having experienced this before I would let my in laws know that there time will come when they can feed them but in the beginning the main thing is the bond between baby, mummy and daddy x

I would stop leaving him there. It's not fussy to not want an 8 month old baby plonked in front of a screen and having a dog in it's face. I would let them come round and see him but not have him alone. They don't need to have him alone to bond.

Looks like you only really have 2 options:

Option 1: continue with the arrangement knowing that they'll do what they like. Accept the (presumably free or discounted) childcare knowing that he's with people who love him and won't let any harm come to him but will probably let him stretch all the rules and spoil him as he grows. Grit your teeth and bear it.

1. Send him to paid childcare, a significant cost at 2.5 days a week where they're slightly more likely to follow your rules but no guarantee.

Personally, I'd continue with the in laws but I think your DH needs to set the scene and tell them that they can't talk to you that way, that this is your child and they need to honour your wishes.

If his behaviour at home starts to change (potentially as a result of a lack of rules/routine) then I'd consider dropping them at that point.

It's not ideal, but there are much worse situations.

Tell your DH a fall out is going to happen so you are going to arrange alternative childcare and he can choose to either support you and fall out with his parents or support his parents and fall out with you.
Either way, get childcare in place ASAP. You are the mother and they are blatantly telling you their opinions matter more than yours. Stick up for your ds now and start putting your boundaries in place because as he gets older, you'll be saying no to things only to find IL's gave it to him anyway and it will make it very hard for you to parent.

You shouldn't leave your child in their care because you can't trust them.

It's as simple as that.

He’s only 8 months old, he won’t be that interested in tv yet so don’t be worried about that.

Try and relax a little, your first is always hard and it’s difficult when you want things done a certain way and some see fit to push you on it.

It may be worth looking into proper childcare, it may save your relationship too.

Why are they insisting on screen time? He’s 8 months old, ffs! I think you’ll be making a rod for your own back by having them look after him. I’d rather pay nursery fees.

Honestly, OP, stop the every bloody Saturday visits (do you want them?) and when does your dh see his ds if his parents look after him every Saturday? You’re the mum, you’re in charge, what you want for your child is what happens. If they don’t agree, don’t leave him with them, easy.

Hi OP. They sound awful 'I havent bonded with the baby and need alone time'...this shows to me they think their needs are most important. A newborn doesnt need to bond with grandparents immediately and it doesnt need bottles or formula purely so grandparents can take turns feeding - a grandchild isn't a toy.

They have said loud and clear and very explicitly 'they will do what they want' - they dont respect you as the parent and decision maker for your child.

You have to decide whether these things are just annoying and different to how you would do them and you will therefore let them get on with it as they see fit, for the benefit of family harmony, saving money on childcare, and a good relationship with your son.

Or if they are more than you can stand or have a detrimental effect on your son you will have to pay for childcare or limit the looking after him to say one afternoon a week. I'd start looking at nurseries to be honest as its always good to have a back up plan. You need to make it clear to your husband this is what's going to happen as well.

If they are going to let him watch a load of tv, eat a load of junk, and be unsupervised with a dog, then to be honest I think 2.5 days a week is a lot. Half a day a week might not hurt (apart from the dog situation which apart from the licking you sound happy with).

There are some benefits to a nursery such as socialisation with other children, building up immune system, always open (eg dont need to take time off if your other childcare has flu) and following early years educational framework and lots of varied activities eg messy play that you dont get at home. A lot of these benefits kick in when babies are toddlers though as under 2 they would probably not get much out of it.

I wouldn't trust them based on behaviour so far, and so wouldn't leave DS with them alone either now or when you go back to work. The downside to that is of course that you will have to pay for childcare if you don't use them. Personally, I would bite the bullet and find a nursery, but I suspect DH won't support you in this.

they are completely out of order. Who cares if they raised their son fine. Your son is not their baby! I'd definitely not be letting them look after the baby at all.

My mum can be like this, 12 years on and nothings changed. She has got slightly better but that's only from me pushing back on her requests and 'advice' constantly, or just plain ignoring them, it's tiring.

Nip it in the bud now, she has no right to demand alone time with him, she can bond just as well with you there, plus what's the point of demanding having him then sticking him Infront of the TV?! Your child your rules, remind yourself of that each time they start been demanding or judgy, you don't have to agree to anything, you don't have to do anything their way.

Don't use them as childcare. At the moment they get to see your son as a favour to them. If they are doing childcare for free it puts you under an obligation to them and makes it even harder to insist on doing it your way.
Make sure its your DH who lays down the rules as well to them otherwise they'll blame it on you and feel free to ignore you. I'd stop leaving him with them so often though as they can't be trusted. Breaking your rules is only fair if its rare.

My Pil never said a word about me breastfeeding so its not all of them.